Question: Recently, a dear male friend of mine went through a horrible breakup. We have been best friends for years so of course I have been there for him. What wasn’t expecting is that I am starting to have feelings for him. It may be sympathy as I am seeing him be extremely vulnerable but I am definitely sure my boyfriend won’t appreciate it. I need to back away before I do something I regret but don’t want to leave him high and dry.
Answer: It seems totally normal and natural that you would be there for a friend, especially when they are going through something challenging like a horrible break up. I think that’s beautiful and supportive and kind. Yet , it seems you’re surprised that after all these years as friends, now you’re starting to have feelings for him, yes?
This totally makes sense to me, given the depth of connection and intimacy and vulnerability you are sharing together.
One misunderstanding we often make in life, is that the source of our happiness, fulfillment, safety or self-worth comes from a person, or a job, or a bank account, yes? We think it comes from outside of us. Yet that’s an illusion. External achievements, people or circumstances are catalysts to make us experience things like joy, love, peace or pain that’s already inside us.
I’m sensing what is happening is that your friend, who’s male, is seeing you his female friends as the source of his healing, the source of his happiness, the source of his approval. Given the polarity of masculine and feminine energy, it’s getting clouded and sexual chemistry is beginning.
I could be totally wrong, and it’s possible that you ought not to be with your boyfriend and to become lovers with your best friend!
However at such a vulnerable time of healing, I wouldn’t 100% trust that your feelings are deep, grounded and free of hormones, yes? 🙂 if indeed you’re meant to complete with your boyfriend and begin dating your best friend I would recommend that you wait until you and your male friend are each in a solid, grounded, healed, healthy independent state first before you consider exploring in that direction.
What I think will clear things up for you right away is to take yourself out of the role of mentor, healer, therapist and pull back slightly encouraging him to work with a coach like me or someone that he chooses to be there for him throughout this vulnerable time. This way he no longer sees you as the source of his self-worth and strength, and actually recognizes that it’s coming from inside him, something that no one or no circumstance can ever take away. Then you can be clean with your energy being his friend and give your romantic energy of attention and affection to your boyfriend! This should even things out while not leaving your friend high and dry, yet honoring your romantic relationship.
One way to check if that resonates with your values and your heart is to turn the tables… if your boyfriend was choosing to be with a female friend as you are with your male friend, how would you feel? What choice would feel honoring to you that he could make? Sometimes it’s easier to see things outside of us then within us.
And as I said, after your male friend has healed fully with a coach like me for example, and you are back spending intimate time and focused energy on your boyfriend… I trust it will become obvious if your sacred contract with your boyfriend is over, or not!
What this comes down to is about having a conscious relationship with your Self, so that you can make the most conscious choices as a friend and as a girlfriend, yes? This is EXACTLY why I created a totally complementary workshop for my community to help people just like you navigate these intense situations and STAY conscious.
You can sign up now at no charge at www.AllanaPratt.com/soul-shaking
I also encourage you to introduce your male friend to my work, and ask him to go to www.GetHerToSayYes.com and download my complementary training, How to be a noble bad ass. Then he will know if I am and aligned fit to apply for a complementary strategy session with me so that I can see if I am 100% confident I can help him and if so, invite him to work with me. www.AllanaPratt.com/connect And if someone is reading this article yet the situation is opposite for you, my complementary women’s training is called Vulnerability is the new Sexy found at www.AllanaPratt.com.
Bottom line, thank you for not only being a great friend, but a great girlfriend and for being so conscious in your actions for the highest good of all.
You rock! XO XO Allana