—
Once upon a time, I thought, on a scale of 1 to 10, I was an 8. On a very good day (like the day of my wedding) I was a perfect 10 and on a bad day (like when I’m hungover) a 4. Never lower.
But then I started noticing the Brazilian models at my gym. I hated them (but had a bit of a girl crush) because they were literally 12 out of 10 while lifting weights and sweaty.
That’s when I had an epiphany: I’m giving myself an 8 out of 10 because I’m rating myself on the Ariadna scale. On my wedding day I was a 10 out of 10 on the Ariadna scale and when I’m hungover on the couch eating pad thai in my pajamas I’m a 4 out of 10 on the Ariadna scale.
However, I will never be a real 10 out of 10. To be a real 10 I’d have to be as beautiful as the most beautiful women on the planet. Between those Brazilian models at the top and Quasimodo at the bottom realistically speaking I’m a 5 out of 10.
Don’t worry, my ego is still intact. I’ll still think of myself as an 8 out of 10 because I will continue rating myself on the Ariadna scale and so will my friends and family. In fact, anyone who knows (and likes) me will always rate me on the Ariadna scale.
And that’s my point: People who haven’t had the chance to know and like you yet, and have looked at a photo of you without any context of who you are (e.g. how you’ve developed over the years, what makes you special and unique, what difficulties you’ve overcome) will not rate you on your own personal scale. Instead, they will rate you using a different scale where Brazilian models are at the top and Quasimodo is at the bottom.
Mind you, you and I cannot complain because we’re guilty of the exact same things. We will judge harshly when we view photos of people whose personalities and histories we know nothing about.
This is the inherent unfairness of online dating.
In the Age of Swiping, we are too quick to pass judgement on a person’s ability to satisfy our romantic desires. We base our decision after a moment looking at their photos and maybe a cursory glance at their written bio. We draw our conclusion almost 100% based on their looks, which means the super-hot get the great majority of your right swipes while everyone else gets slim pickings.
And, of course, if you are quickly judging people based on looks then you know they are doing the exact same thing to you. We all need to slow down and give ourselves a chance.
Here are my tips on how to tackle the inherent unfairness of online dating: When you see a photo of someone remind yourself you’re not seeing the whole picture; Take a moment to rate each person’s looks and then add 2 points to compensate for the fact people get better looking once you’ve had a chance to get to know them.
Expect that people will not consider you to be as good looking (or young looking!) as you think you are. This is because they haven’t seen the whole picture yet; Swipe right on unconventionally good looking people. This may sound counterintuitive but think back to the first time you met your past Significant Others. Chances are they weren’t always love at first sight. In fact, in many cases, you may have found them to not fit your ideal of attractiveness and it was with time that you saw their beauty and fell in love.
The idea is if you can be a less knee-jerky to people’s photos you will find yourself with a larger pool of promising.
xo MD
—
This post was originally published on MaitreDate.com and is republished here with permission.
—
—
Photo credit: Getty Images
Oh come on. What; you want sympathy? No woman complain about no type of unfairness in dating until you’ve experienced it as a man. God this article makes me sick.
The old way of dating, to wit, when you actually met people IRL first, wasn’t broken and didn’t need to be “fixed”. Otherwise the species would never have survived this long. OTOH, I have to wonder how much more time it’s got