Most of us men want to feel strong, and recoil from any sense of ‘weakness’. But some of us seem to confuse strength with ‘power’ – which is actually a kind of cowardice because it’s often about getting compliance from someone more vulnerable by threatening them. ‘Empowerment’, on the other hand, is about helping other people feel stronger – and to me that’s the greatest kind of strength. It’s the opposite of how a bully behaves, and while they may have power for a while, they’ll never be respected in the way that everyday ‘heroes’ are.
Some men are naturally physically stronger than other men; and some women are physically stronger than some men. But like with a penis, it’s not the size of our biceps which matters, but what we choose to do with them. In fact, physical strength is the easiest kind to develop – it just takes repetition of whatever actions challenges your muscles the most. Emotional strength is harder to grow, but much more important in terms of having a happy and fulfilling life – one in which you are managing your emotions rather than letting them control you. I think that’s similar to learning to drive; if we don’t know how the brakes and steering work, we’re bound to end up hurting other people and ourselves.
No man wants to be weak, of course – but what exactly do we mean by it? Some of us have been socialised to believe that having a mental health problem, for example, is a ‘weakness’ and something to be ashamed of. So, we carry on pretending we’re OK, not getting the help we need even when behind the mask everything is getting worse. And we never know how many other men are feeling the same because they’re all hiding it as well. Fortunately, things are changing for the better in this regard as more high-profile male role models are admitting to the emotional problem that they’ve faced.
Emotional strength means being brave enough to be completely honest with yourself, and everyone else, about how you feel, what you want, and what you need. Brave, because there is always the risk that others will reject you. But that just tells you you’re better off without them in your life. Real self-honesty means that you will be at ease with yourself, and not dependant on anyone else’s approval, which is a wonderfully free way to live. But it takes practice, just like building physical strength. Start by sitting down with your partner or best friend, and sharing what is really going on for you right now (and inviting them to do the same)
I personally value ‘success’ as much as emotional strength – not in the sense of accumulating money and status, but of doing work that feels meaningful and improves the world in some way. If you’re clear about what you want to achieve with your life,, and the trade-offs you’re prepared, and not prepared, to make to get there, you can choose to do what is right for you – whatever anyone else might say about it. There’s nothing ‘stronger’ or more worthy of respect, than that.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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