A few months ago I wrote a story about how I came across a child in the street that I had to help. I wrote the story because it was a very intense moment and I felt the need to reflect on my actions.
The scenario made me realize that we live in a complex and difficult world.
People want to believe that when you see a child in danger you should rush over and take that child into your arms. I wish we lived in a world where that was possible. However, the sad reality is that, in most cases, you shouldn’t pick up a child even with the intent of helping him/her.
My initial reaction, of course, was to scoop up the child in my arms. However, I stopped myself, asked the child questions, and eventually led him home.
My background as an educator made me reluctant to reach out to the child even to help him. Instead I pushed aside my emotional response and used reason to decide what to do.
The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that was the right action. However, I was surprised that some people described that response as “cold,” others said it was “selfish,” and still others thought I was “overthinking.”
Some of the people who left responses were so enraged by my reflections on the scenario that they resorted to attacking me personally. Sometimes these attacks involved making inaccurate assumptions about me or creating absurd extrapolations about my motivations.
I don’t feel there is a justification for that kind of response, and I’m not inclined to continue to engage with the kind of person who would use such tactics. I welcome a thoughtful, insightful discussion. That doesn’t include insults.
I wrote the article to work through my complex feelings on the matter. It’s a vulnerable article. I don’t claim to have the answers, and I don’t feel I should be attacked for admitting that.
In a way, I think the hostility of some of the people who responded goes a long way towards proving my point. The issue of a child in danger is a very charged scenario. When you are in such a scenario, you have to be very careful how you proceed.
Some people, as can be seen in the comments, will do everything they can to find fault with your behavior. They’ll make insane accusations against you. This is the reality of the dangerous world we all inhabit. You have to be constantly mindful of this reality and take steps to protect yourself.
Not every situation is easy and not every problem has a clear solution. I’m still not completely convinced that my position is correct, but I’m willing to talk about it in a rational manner. More importantly, I’m willing to engage in a viewpoint that is not my instinctive reaction.
Sure, we all like to see ourselves as heroes. We like to think, “Oh, there’s a child in danger, I must rescue him!” But if you go charging into a situation you don’t understand, as likely as not, you’re prone to make things worse.
My article describes an unknown scenario. I saw a child standing on a street corner on a frigid day and I took action. I think it’s unfair to be too harsh on any of my decisions because I made my choices without the benefit of knowing how the story would play out.
When people click on the article, read it, and go to the comment section, they do so with benefits that I didn’t have. They are evaluating my actions with the advantage of hindsight. Often, they make unreasonable assumptions or don’t seem to fully grasp the true nature of the scenario.
Some people suggested it was “selfish” of me to not scoop the child up into my arms. But it’s important to consider that advice from the context of the parent of the lost child.
What if it was a warm day and the parents were nearby but perhaps out of sight of the “good Samaritan.” If you rushed up and grabbed that child, you are now guilty of assault.
This is irrefutable and needs to be emphasized.
Putting myself in the position of a parent, if some random person came up and grabbed my child, even with the justification that they thought my child was in danger and they were trying to help, I would respond based on the assumption that my child was being attacked.
Above all things, you are responsible for not making an emergency situation worse.
This is why it’s important to try to avoid your emotional reaction and maintain a level head. You can’t just resort to your instinctive response and trust that it’s the best course of action. You have to take a moment and think the scenario through.
A good person does not just rush up and grab a child that they see in the street. Instead, they have to take a moment and try to figure out what’s going on. When in doubt, call the police for advice.
When this event happened and I told my wife, the very first thing she said was, “I hope you didn’t pick up the child.” She’s an educator and that was the most critical element in her opinion.
It’s wrong for people who have not had the opportunity to work with at-risk children to look in on a situation they know nothing about and assume the people trying their best are behaving like “terrible, selfish human beings.”
As a parent, I am glad that people who work with my children are conditioned not to put their hands on my kids under any circumstances. These rules are in place for the protection of the children.
It’s all too easy for a predator to pick up a child and try to justify himself by saying, “I was just trying to help.”
The thing that still haunts me from that article and that scenario is the realization of just how many dangers there are in the world confronting our children. All parents love their kids. All parents try to be mindful. But parents are human and there can be mistakes.
We can’t judge too harshly.
I think it’s important to never be too certain that your way, and only your way, is the correct answer. We should all maintain an awareness that we cannot be absolutely certain that anything we do is undeniably the best thing.
When anyone believes that he or she is absolutely right and they will not concede or account for the possibility of flaws in their position, it only leads to hardship and incorrect action.
You reflect on incidents in your life in order to determine ways you could do better in the future. But even if you know exactly what to do in a given scenario, it does not mean that course of action could universally be applied to all other scenarios.
There are no absolutes. Every scenario is unique.
The most important aspect of my article is the willingness to reflect on a situation and understand it might have been handled better. That’s why I wrote it.
The reason we have rules that make people second guess whether they are doing the right thing is because, unfortunately, there are a lot of people dedicated to doing the wrong thing.
To be a parent is to constantly be uncertain. There have been times when I thought I was right only to discover later on that I made a mistake. There’s nothing to be gained from disparaging the character of a person who pauses to reflect on the inherent faults of the world and what could be done to make the world a better place.
Going into “hero mode” does not mean you should abandon rational thought and act instinctively. Nor does it mean you should criticize the actions of people who take a moment to think things through. I believe that you more often put yourself in a position to help people in danger by taking the time to think and act rationally.
We aren’t super heroes. We’re fallible human beings. We shouldn’t take action unless we have done our due diligence to determine our actions won’t make a situation worse.
The world is not always a nice place. I’m not trying to justifying the things that are wrong with the world, but I do recognize they exist. We must discuss these problems in a way that gives people the best possible chance to navigate them. Even when the news isn’t what you want to hear, you don’t make anything better by shooting the messenger.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock