Intimacy Is About Connection, Sex Is About…..Well, Sex

“Intimacy is emotional nudity.” – Gregory J. P. Ginchereau

Last week on My Ask Me Anything session, the subject was sex. One of the two biggest issues many couples deal with.

Everyone on the call was frustrated about their sex lives. They all just want to physically please their wives, not just themselves. But each shared how she would shut them down anytime they tried to talk about it.

A couple of things really stood out for me.

First, they were all confused about what had caused her to change so much. Early in all of their relationships, sex and intimacy were easy and frequent. But now, it seemed like a never-ending battle to get any kind of physical interaction.

This confusion makes sense if you don’t understand that the early days of a relationship are similar to being high.

When you’re in the throes of early love, sex is spontaneous and hot. It is also driven by hormones and neurotransmitters.

There are no worries about pleasure or performance because you’re both caught up in attraction and arousal.

But, as the high fades, real world worries raise their ugly heads and poor cold water on the easy sex.

You go from ripping each other’s clothes off to concerns about desire and performance. Past issues with sex that either of you have had enter the picture.

You’ve entered the stage of Validation Sex. It’s at this stage that libido differences, confidence challenges, and relationship issues start to impact your sex life.

If you don’t manage this stage well, the seeds for a sexless marriage can take root.

This brings me to the second thing that I noticed during the session.

As driven as the men were to improve the physical intimacy in their marriage for both people, they didn’t know how to successfully engage their wives in talking about it.

They made suggestions about how to spice things up instead of addressing the real issue at this stage—emotional safety and connection.

If you’ve done the same, it isn’t your fault. It’s a case of not knowing what’s driving the lack of intimacy.

But, if you focus on sex instead of intimacy, you often will end up with neither.