Is Balance Even Possible in Your Marriage?

True happiness comes from integration… of work, family, self, community.

~Padmasree Warrior

I was talking to a friend yesterday (see the video below) about what he sees as the biggest challenge in his marriage. It wasn’t money. It wasn’t the amount or quality of their intimacy. It was finding balance.

Balance between what he needs as a person, his commitment to his marriage, and his responsibility to his three young children.

Can you relate?

Balance, as a noun, has two meanings:

an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.

a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.

Both matter in your life and marriage.

You need to hold on to who you are as an individual. “Sacrificing” yourself for your marriage or children sounds honorable. It just isn’t possible for the long haul. Your internal self will push back against what it believes is a threat to your survival. Resentment will set in and create unnecessary difficulties.

Being your best self is what you want to strive for. Making time for nurturing yourself is what allows you to do this. It also means saying “no” to your wife and children sometimes so you can be who they need you to be when you say “yes”.

You take your responsibilities to your children seriously. As you should. But it can be easy to let this aspect of your life take over. Separating what they need from what they want can be very difficult in our child-focused society. However, if you want better balance in your life, not giving them everything they want is necessary.

Your wants and needs and those of your children are noisy. You feel the internal pull to be who you are. You feel the disappointment of your children when you don’t choose them.

The wants and needs of your marriage? Of your wife? Well, something has to give when there’s only 24 hours in a day. And she’s an adult. She understands. Until she doesn’t.

Your marriage is what can and should support you as an individual. It definitely is what provides the safety and security your children need. And it’s usually what gets sacrificed.

Balance isn’t about allotting equal time to each area of your life. It’s about allotting enough time to each for them all to be healthy. That will look different depending on your individual needs and the stage of life you’re in.

Balance is what you need to stay upright and steady. You can’t make forward progress without it.

Is your life out of balance? If so, what do you need to do to create more harmony?

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Previously Published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished on Medium.

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