I cheated on my boyfriend in college.
It was an ugly breakup and I was ashamed of what I’d done. I lost friends. I lost respect, too.
And then, years after I cheated, I wrote about my experience on Medium:
And it was not the cathartic experience I was hoping for.
I wasn’t ready for the endlessly negative comments I received. And not just negative, but hateful. It hurt. It really hurt.
But of all those comments, there is one that sticks with me:
Ouch.
This man is suggesting that I abstain from marriage… forever… because I kissed a guy who was not my boyfriend… in college?
While this may be extreme, it did get me thinking.
Do people really believe that cheating is a habit? Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” really true?
It implies that people can’t change. It suggests that cheating is a personality trait. I’ve done the research and found that we should stop using this phrase.
And while serial cheaters do exist, there are signs that a cheater is not a habitual cheater.
I’m walking myself through these five steps. Let’s see if I’m a serial cheater or not.
1. A person is truly remorseful and regrets their actions.
If you’re one of the people who commented on my piece, you may think that I did not take ownership of my actions. You may think that I was trying to make myself a victim.
But you’re wrong.
How do I know that I’m sorry?
I know I’m sorry because I faced the consequences. I know I’m sorry because I made my apologies. I know I’m sorry because I know I made a mistake.
And how do I know if I regret my actions?
I know because I took a break from dating. I took several years off from my love life. I didn’t like what I saw in myself. So, I did what I needed to in order to fix myself before I put myself in another relationship.
After seeing my ex crying over the pain I caused, crying so hard I could barely understand him, I felt the sharp feeling of regret. I still feel it.
2. A person cuts off contact with the lover.
This one doesn’t exactly apply to me, because it wasn’t an affair, and I did not continue with my relationship after the cheating.
But I will say that I cut off communication with that person.
It’s not because I was trying to preserve my relationship with my ex. I cut off communication because I needed a fresh start. I cut off communication because he reminded me of the horrible decision I made.
And — for the record — when we cheated together, not one of our friends batted an eye at him. I was the one in the relationship, so it’s natural that I would get the blame.
I just never understood why he continued to get invites to parties, even though he was an equal participant.
3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion toward you.
I carried this into my relationship now. I stopped chasing drama. I stopped looking for toxic scenarios.
And now, I can see the difference. I can see what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship. I can see what it looks like to be a good partner with a good partner by my side.
I appreciate my ex-boyfriend.
I appreciate the way that he showed up for me. I look back warmly on our time together. I imagine he would not say the same.
Cheating opened my eyes to what was going on deeper under the surface. I wasn’t doing well. I was throwing myself into relationships that I had no business being in.
4. You wind up having deep, honest conversations with each other about your relationship.
I remember the way that he looked at me when I showed up at his house the next day.
He had already been crying. We knew it was over. But we had to do it in person. I owed him that.
“Why?” he asked me. And my heart broke. “Why did you do this?”
I didn’t have a good enough answer for him.
But I tried. I told him that there was no excuse. I told him that I hated myself for doing it. I told him that I had thought I was ready for us, but I was wrong. I told him I had to fix myself.
It was a hard conversation, and I tried to be as open as I could with him. But I was lost. That was clear.
There’s no excuse or explanation that could give him the consolation he needed. All I could do was offer my honesty and my presence.
5. The cheater wants to go to therapy with you or alone.
After that night, I found a therapist. I went every week for a year. I still go to therapy on an as-needed basis.
What I learned about myself on that couch and in those four walls was revolutionary.
I learned that I had buried a lot of pain from a toxic relationship. I learned the habits I needed to unlearn. I learned the patterns that needed to be broken.
Self-evolution is incredibly important to me. Because I saw how far I could get away from myself, I know how crucial it is to continuously check in with myself.
I never want to let myself go again.
So… am I once a cheater, always a cheater?
You may say yes. You may be lying in wait for my next article saying that I did it again. But I’d like to think you’re wrong.
I don’t believe I’ll cheat again.
But I can’t know that for sure. No one can answer that question with absolute certainty, whether you’ve cheated before or not.
But I know myself more now than I did at 22.
I’m more confident in myself. I know to get out if something isn’t right. I know not to stay with someone I don’t love. I can see the signs of when I’m falling apart.
People change. People grow. Let’s not write people off forever for a mistake they made in one or more than one moment in time.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash