Maybe there’s some order to this parenting chaos after all.
I see a logical sequence listed in the above picture referencing the game of Scrabble. I used to play with my mom all the time growing up. I knew that quite often, I was in for fight — a battle of wits, and I almost always came half prepared. My time to surrender usually occurred slightly after she would say, “…can I use foreign words this time?” Did I give up? No! thanks for asking. Of course, given Newton’s laws of averages, I did win sometimes, and the victory felt earned… maybe there is a correlation here to better parenting? Maybe not.
It may seem prosaic, misconceived or underhand, to simply leave it at this conclusion, so vague, but perhaps that’s the point — to overthink would be too complex of a resolution. What better way to illustrate this would be to construct a scenario, and test my hypothesis.
I see parenting as a continuous education. We absorb accumulated knowledge that is stored, categorized, and ever adaptable to the constant changes that occur to us, and around us. This supplies us with an infinite well-spring of options to tap into in which we can respond when conflict arises. When a situation presents itself — a downfall, a misstep, a miscalculation (even ever-so-slight), it can askew our balance. This causes a rippling effect that radiates outward, envelops and effects present, and future decisions.
Conversely, as in good times, accomplishments (generally speaking)… WINS, in our life can foster a propensity to looking at life more than half full — rare and beautiful in the moment. This applies to every aspect of our life, but none more applicable than when it comes to Parenting (with a capital “P” because it takes bold emphasis with an intentional response to pull it off).
THE BATTLE OF WILLS
Scenario 1: Daughter wants pizza, no… Demands Pizza! Perhaps it is her TONE that sets us off, after all, it is commonly assumed that hunger is fairly universal, and the role of the parent is to provide the necessities — (food, clothing, shelter), so her request does not seem that unreasonable. BUT let’s set the pleasantries aside for a moment, shall we?
One more time with feeling now … She is DEMANDING pizza. Now that sets off a slightly different response, doesn’t it? In this moment, what is happening? The TONE of the request is now overriding the request itself. In this moment, your brain may be shifted a bit and you may be thinking — Sure, you can have pizza, if I decide you should, and you need to talk to me in a tone that is respectful! — But what comes out is, “Don’t talk me like that!” The bonds of respect from child to parent have been ever-so-slightly tethered, and a sense of momentary panic sets in. Panic is a strong word, because even though we know we are supposed to have control, and most of the time, feel in control, suddenly our sense of control is challenged. This results in a heightened level of anxiety.
What follows is something akin to a whole lot of “I said(s)” and Don’t you talk to me like that(s)” on my wife’s end and a lot of “Gimme(s)!” and repeating of the word pizza (at increasing volume levels) on my daughter’s end. Me, as a what-do I-know father (what do I know?) make the valiant attempt to step in to resolve the conflict, but the battle is already raging. So, I do what any exemplary father would do, I stand on the sidelines, grab some popcorn, and see what happens. A spectator, of sorts, looking to see who comes out victorious. After all, on the occasion when I do try to step in, I am met with unanimous choruses of “Stay out of this!” So, it’s easier for me to take the path of least resistance and watch the show. Often times, after an extended back and forth, my wife will choose to just simply ignore and allow my daughter to continue her ranting request on her own… a Flight in the Fight. Now, the argument has become one-sided without her participation.
In my mind, the following questions arise — Is my wife’s choice to give up control, by not taking part, showing control? Is this not just her taking the path of least resistance? After all, she didn’t cause the conflict to begin with… you can’t actually argue with yourself, can you?
The question of the day is what our next move is vs what it should be. The knight in the picture above represents the wild spirit (that we love) and the sheer audacity (that we love) of our children. We would never want to admit this out loud, but the very fact that our children would stand up to us (as tall as they can)- shows us their sense of independence. Are we mad at them for standing up and being defiant toward us? Yes! But, only for the moment.. The moment subsides, and we HOPE they have learned a lesson, but secretly we admire their bravery. A sense of independence has been instilled for the moment. The WIN goes to the parent for this one.
Scenario 2: Parent: “Time to go to bed” — Child: No! Again, in this moment, our response, one of a tender… loving… or sweet reply… are NOT our first response. The parent feels challenged (the queen in the picture above) stands TALL and the response is quick, curt, and final — “It’s time for bed because I said it’s time for bed!” Negotiation is over. The child’s next move determines her “fate”. But we still have the opportunity to love them through our response. If we follow the path of least resistance, and allow her to stand her ground by talking back to us… are we being controlling? No, we are giving her space to vent, even though we are upset.. This process of taking control vs temporarily giving up control is what provides a balance. Conflict is inevitable. The battle of wills will continue… but sometimes, giving up is winning.
I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO…
Now, let’s scroll up to top of the page, and focus on the message of the tiles. Perhaps they provide a roadmap of sorts to the call and response we could adopt to help us in navigating the course to Better Parenting.
Pause… Breathe… It’s better to take a moment before reacting out of anger. — Giving ourselves, as parents, a time to calm down, before responding. This is modeling the importance of SELF-control to our children, while staying in control.
Ponder… Choose… Let’s consider our options for how we are going to respond. Our attitude sets the tone for the delivery of our message, allowing clearer heads to prevail and make better choices for our response.
Do… Now is the time for action. When my daughter wants something she tells us over and over and over again. She becomes fixated on what she wants NOW. When you tell a child no, their mind thinks in absolutes in relation to time. “I will take away your tablet if you keep yelling at me.” In their mind, this could potentially be forever. The gravity of this concept is too much for them to process. If they were able to stop for a minute, just one minute, and think logically, they would stop yelling, right then and there. But if you’ve been a parent for more than 5 minutes, you know that they do not stop and think logically, because you are (rightfully) challenging their perception of what they want. This causes them to get louder and their request becomes more demonstrative, and everything escalates…
Here’s a better approach. Children need to understand that you as a parent are in charge. You set the rules of the household. They also need to know that they are loved and protected. Instead of repeating the consequences of their action, or going off about how they are not respecting you… Try this…
Say, “I love you too much to…” I love you too much to allow you to keep yelling at me like this. I love you too much to have you wake everyone in the house. I love you too much for allowing you to keep acting the way you are acting. Let’s start from the beginning and see what we can do to help each other. Are you with me? Can we do this for our children?
…To win sometimes, and the victory felt earned
What is the end goal? To have peace. Love and Joy are always there in the back of our mind, and the impetus of reaching this goal is always a powerful driver in how we choose to parent, But, with that said, there MUST be a sense of civility in the house. Something that resembles order that overrides the unpredictable nature of chaos and keeps a watchful eye on protecting peace and respect for ourselves and others. It’s time to open our minds to new ways of doing things… It’s ok to to question the choices that we make; To remain in control and try to seek out the root cause to recurring conflict. It may be a good time to admit, that we are not always right…Maybe, we can learn in time, to take time, after all, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
—
Previously published on medium
*******************************
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
*************************
Photo credit: by Brett Jordan on Unsplash