It took some time, but Matt Hearnden finally realized he was getting in the way of his own happiness.
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I didn’t go to the gym. I ate crap food every day. I wrote, but nowhere as much as I expect myself to write, and I only wrote when I really felt like it.
I didn’t look after myself. I didn’t prioritize myself. I took backwards steps instead of forward ones.
What I’m saying is that I spent almost the whole of last week putting someone else above me. Maybe even on a pedestal.
I couldn’t concentrate because I was waiting for her to reply to me. I couldn’t concentrate on writing, the thing I love, the thing I do for money, all because I’d decided she was more important to me than me.
Did I really make that mistake again? Of putting someone else above me? Of compromising myself for someone else?
Yes. I did. I don’t like that I did but if I ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen then I’ll keep making it until it really fucking hurts.
So.
Why was I doing this?
I don’t like that question. “Why” questions don’t always give the best answers.
I prefer this question:
“What was I getting out of this?”
Maybe that seems like a strange question. What could I possibly get out of doing something I apparently didn’t even want to do? Well … let’s see.
What was I getting out of putting her above me? Well, if I did that, then maybe I could get her to like me.
What was I getting out of her liking me? Well, that would make me feel good.
What would I get out of feeling good? Well, then I’d be happy, wouldn’t I?
Ah.
Hmm.
Do you see the problem?
Ultimately, I was putting her above me because I wanted to be happy.
But, of course, I wasn’t happy. I was the opposite. I was unhappy, and in pain, and wanting things to be different.
I didn’t really want to put her above me. What I really wanted was to be happy.
Realising that made my next move obvious: I had to go back to putting myself first.
Putting her above me put me at her mercy. If she didn’t reply, I’d feel unhappy. If she didn’t reply how I wanted her to reply, I’d be unhappy. If she did anything at all that I didn’t want her to, I’d be unhappy.
That’s a painful way to live. And it’s a selfish way to live. How dare I base my happiness on what someone else does or doesn’t do? How dare I shift the responsibility for my happiness to someone else?
It was time to stop thinking about what I thought I wanted, and time to start thinking about what I actually wanted.
I didn’t want to please her.
I wanted to be happy.
Title: What’s the benefit of doing that thing you want to stop doing?
I didn’t go to the gym. I ate crap food every day. I wrote, but nowhere as much as I expect myself to write, and I only wrote when I really felt like it.
I didn’t look after myself. I didn’t prioritize myself. I took backwards steps instead of forward ones.
What I’m saying is that I spent almost the whole of last week putting someone else above me. Maybe even on a pedestal.
I couldn’t concentrate because I’d be waiting for her to reply to me. I couldn’t concentrate on writing, the thing I love, the thing I do for money, all because I’d decided she was more important to me than me.
Did I really make that mistake again? Of putting someone else above me? Of compromising myself for someone else?
Yes. I did. I don’t like that I did but if I ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen then I’ll keep making it until it really fucking hurts.
So.
Why was I doing this?
I don’t like that question. “Why” questions don’t always give the best answers.
I prefer this question:
“What was I getting out of this?”
Maybe that seems like a strange question. What could I possibly get out of doing something I apparently didn’t even want to do? Well… let’s see.
What was I getting out of putting her above me? Well, if I did that, then maybe I could get her to like me.
What was I getting out of her liking me? Well, that would make me feel good.
What would I get out of feeling good? Well, then I’d be happy, wouldn’t I?
Ah.
Hmm.
Do you see the problem?
Ultimately, I was putting her above me because I wanted to be happy.
But, of course, I wasn’t happy. I was the opposite. I was unhappy, and in pain, and wanting things to be different.
I didn’t really want to put her above me. What I really wanted was to be happy.
Realizing that made my next move obvious: I had to go back to putting myself first.
Putting her above me put me at her mercy. If she didn’t reply, I’d feel unhappy. If she didn’t reply how I wanted her to reply, I’d be unhappy. If she did anything at all that I didn’t want her to, I’d be unhappy.
That’s a painful way to live. And it’s a selfish way to live. How dare I base my happiness on what someone else does or doesn’t do? How dare I shift the responsibility for my happiness to someone else?
It was time to stop thinking about what I thought I wanted, and time to start thinking about what I actually wanted.
I didn’t want to please her.
I wanted to be happy.
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Photo: GettyImages