Keep an Eye Out for These ‘Yellow Flags’ in a Potential Partner

Four years ago I was at a work event. Little did I know at that moment, that my life was about to change.

There was a new employee that had just started at our company that was networking and meeting everyone when I arrived at the event. When he had made his rounds and started talking to me, I wasn’t impressed. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way to the point where I even remember saying something about my dislike of him to my best friend when I got home later that evening.

After our initial interaction, there were several behaviors of his that I chalked up as “yellow flags,” and I wrote him off. As time went on I started warming up to him, we began hanging out as friends, and as I got to know him… I realized that my first impression had been entirely incorrect.

Normally I can read people to a certain extent, but I had never been so wrong. In fact, this person ended up being the partner that I am with to this day and we have an amazing life that we have built together.

Our relationship is a constant reminder that at times we can judge someone too quickly and that a “yellow flag” isn’t a reason to cut someone out immediately, it’s simply something to take notice of.

That being said, there were numerous times in my past that I took a chance on someone and the yellow flags quickly descended in red flags and these are the behaviors that I would keep an eye on.

They struggle to hold on to relationships long-term

I have an amazing friend that confided in me shortly after we first met about how she doesn’t have many friends that she’s been able to keep long-term.

After seeing a therapist for the last few months she has identified that she struggles with extreme codependency and will end up clinging to the people in her life to the point of driving them away.

The primary reason that she sought therapy in the first place was that her husband had become extremely exhausted due to her extreme codependency on him and the stress it was causing in their relationship.

Although my friend’s codependency became a yellow flag for his husband, that has changed due to her willingness to take accountability and begin working through her trauma.

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They struggle to take accountability for their actions and become defensive if called out

When my partner and I first started dating he couldn’t give me any constructive feedback because I would instantly shut down to the point where I was basically stonewalling him.

It wasn’t until years later that I discovered that defensiveness can be a result of trauma, and for me, it stemmed from childhood programming where I had never learned how to handle conflict in a healthy way.

Defensiveness can destroy your relationship because if you aren’t willing to accept feedback without shutting down completely, there will be no open communication.

Luckily it is something I have been able to work through because otherwise, my partner would have most likely stopped confiding in me and we would have drifted apart.

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They struggle to form their own opinions/interests

Have you ever dated someone that instantly started liking what you liked and didn’t seem to have any preference of their own?

This extends far beyond the “what do you want for dinner” question that is often joked about being impossible to answer.

When I was growing up my mother had a friend who would take on the opinions and interests in whoever she is dating instead of forming them for herself. If her boyfriend wanted to watch sports every weekend they would be watching sports every weekend. If he leaned towards a specific political party she would change her previous stance to support that political party.

If someone doesn’t mind being in a relationship with a person who doesn’t even really know who they are, it’s likely because they want to manipulate them.

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They still hold on to anger that stems from their previous relationships

Right before meeting my long-term partner, I met a man that was extremely persistent in taking me on a date. After a few weeks, I gave in and agreed that we could go out to dinner.

We ended up having a great time and then he started pushing for a relationship. At first, I was open to the possibility but expressed my desire to keep things moving at a slow pace.

As we continued to spend time together I began to realize that he held on to a lot of anger for his long-time ex-girlfriend. In fact, he talked about her in such a way that my friends even noticed and continually brought it to my attention.

I ended up cutting things off because it was very obvious that he had not taken the time to heal and process his previous relationship.

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You don’t have to write someone off if they display a couple of yellow flags… but you should pay attention

My intent with pointing out these behaviors is to showcase examples that should make you pause and take notice, not to immediately cut someone out of your life.

Not all first impressions are going to be correct and that some behaviors can be corrected if the person that needs to do the self-reflection is willing to look within.

All of us have displayed a yellow flag at one time or another. It is when they keep adding up that it may be necessary to acknowledge that the person displaying the warning signs may not be ready for a long-term relationship until they do some work on themselves.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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