What do each of these men have in common?
I’m going to start this piece by giving brief descriptions of five different men. All have attained a certain level of notoriety in their own way. But they all have one big thing in common.
- He stands 6-10. He pulled in a salary of more than $21.7 million last year. And he’s a five-time NBA all-star. And he has it.
- He’s a multiple-time New York Times bestselling author. He’s co-created an online empire with better than three million subscribers on YouTube. He’s a devoted husband and dad. And he has it.
- He is a globetrotting news reporter with a national platform. He won awards for his reporting during the conflicts in the Middle East. And he has it.
- He’s arguably the most iconic figure in the history of professional wrestling. He’s a 16-time world champion. He’s the only two-time member of the WWE Hall of Fame. And he has it.
- He’s a published novelist. He’s a graduate of a prestigious life coach training program. He’s a practicing coach as well as an ambassador for the training program. He’s a podcaster. And he has a prominent voice on the Good Men Project. And he has it.
The five men I speak of are Kevin Love of the Cleveland Cavaliers, bestselling author and internet celebrity John Green, ABC News anchor Dan Harris, professional wrestling icon “Nature Boy” Ric Flair, and, well, me.
Be strong. Don’t talk about your feelings. Get through it on your own. So, for 29 years of my life, I followed that playbook. And look, I’m probably not telling you anything new here. These values about men and toughness are so ordinary that they’re everywhere … and invisible at the same time, surrounding us like air or water.
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The thing we all have in common is that we all deal with anxiety and have had public panic attacks.
I include myself in this not because I see myself on the same level as those guys. I honestly don’t.
I include myself in this because you can never know who has it, or where or when it can strike.
I was inspired to write this piece by a piece that Kevin Love penned for the Player’s Tribune. This is the website created by Derek Jeter for prominent athletes to tell their stories.
Love left the Cavs’ game against the Atlanta Hawks on November 5 of rather mysterious circumstances. It turns out that he had a panic attack right after halftime of that game.
Here’s a 29-year-old, elite professional athlete. Basketball players have some of the finest cardiovascular conditioning of anybody on the planet – maybe short of pro fighters.
I say this, because when you have a panic attack, you can think you’re having a heart attack.
My first panic attack
I’ll never forget my first…panic attack that is.
I’m about to share something I’ve never shared with another living soul.
I think it was 2001, maybe a month after 9/11.
I was travelling from Eufaula, Alabama to Columbus, Georgia to cover a high school basketball game. I hadn’t done basketball play by play ever, and I was nervous as hell.
And I was also lost as hell.
The game was at 4, and I looked up and it was 4:30.
Oh God, I’m gonna get fired before I even get my first paycheck.
My mind went into a dangerous place. I got scared, my breathing got really shallow. And I couldn’t stop crying.
But none of that was what was freaking me out.
Everything from my shoulders up was tingling. It was like if you sit with your leg folded under you for too long and you lose feeling in that leg and you can’t walk for a few steps.
It’s like that, but you think there’s something seriously wrong.
I was quite taken by a couple quotes from Love’s piece. The subtext on these quotes are so deep.
“Growing up, you figure out really quickly how a boy is supposed to act. You learn what it takes to “be a man.” It’s like a playbook: Be strong. Don’t talk about your feelings. Get through it on your own. So, for 29 years of my life, I followed that playbook. And look, I’m probably not telling you anything new here. These values about men and toughness are so ordinary that they’re everywhere … and invisible at the same time, surrounding us like air or water.”
The bold text is mine.
A good man takes care of his body and his mind
I’m sure that Kevin Love has taken some criticism for being “weak” or has been called that lovely pejorative that some use in reference to female genitalia for coming out with this story.
Side note: why is that word an insult? You do know where babies come from, right?
One of the most disturbing and peasant-like things I see about men is that we don’t take mental health seriously.
Making mental wellbeing a priority isn’t weak. Taking your mental health seriously is one of the manliest things you can do.
“So, for 29 years, I thought about mental health as someone else’s problem. Sure, I knew on some level that some people benefited from asking for help or opening up. I just never thought it was for me. To me, it was form of weakness that could derail my success in sports or make me seem weird or different.”
Again, bold text is mine.
That last sentence breaks my heart. I don’t give a damn who you are, getting out of your head can help you perform better, no matter your pursuits.
If your wellbeing is out of whack, you can’t perform your best.
In the latest episode of the Be a King Podcast, my guest is sportscaster/motivational speaker Rachel Baribeau. Rachel has spoken to some of the biggest programs in all of college football and basketball on how you can use your stature as a prominent athlete to be a force for change.
To live for a greater purpose than simply your stats and wins and losses.
After speaking with these teams, she always takes time to speak with as many players who come to her as she can. These young men speak to her about some pretty loaded and heavy subjects. And she told me that several coaches have reached out to her because after she spoke with them, their play improves. All because they unburden the things weighing on their hearts and can get out of their heads.
The point in my sharing all this is to say that the toughest and the manliest thing that you can do is to ask for help.
So, for 29 years, I thought about mental health as someone else’s problem. Sure, I knew on some level that some people benefited from asking for help or opening up. I just never thought it was for me. To me, it was form of weakness that could derail my success in sports or make me seem weird or different.
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Suffering in silence leads to trouble. It leads to taking out frustrations in negative ways. Suffering in silence leads to drug and alcohol addiction and abuse. It leads to taking advantage of people sexually. It leads to violence against women, children, and other men.
And it leads to heartbreak for many.
Kevin Love: You, sir, are a king. I acknowledge you for setting an example. I acknowledge you for being a leader and a giant among men.
I acknowledge you for showing the world that the manliest thing you can do is ask for help.
Thank you, Kevin. Everybody is indeed going through something.
Photo by Rebcenter Moscow