Teaching gratitude, not “thank you”.
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Every so often, just when I think I’m doing an okay job with this parenting thing, something or someone comes along and shines a light on it all in a brand new way. A light that makes me stop and think.
And realize I have a long way to go.
Such was the case the other night when I had a chance to hear award-winning author, Annie Burnside speak about her book, Soul to Soul Parenting: A Guide to Raising a Spiritually Conscious Family.
Annie’s one inspiring person. She’s as connected to her inner self as anyone I’ve ever met. She’s also real. Believable. She had me hooked when (in front her two teenage daughters—representing 2/3 of the Burnside brood) she shared the realities that take place on a regular basis inside their family home.
“Ask any of my neighbors!” she laughed. “We have real, normal, regular, ordinary conflicts. Daily.”
But it was when she later, after sharing something else, that she really had me hooked. “I don’t want to teach my kids to say ‘thank you’ to someone just because it’s polite and kind. I want them to say it because they feel gratitude. From a place deep inside. A place they are very aware of.”
Her comment has been dancing around in my head ever since. It’s caused me to gaze out the window. It’s made me lose myself in thought at the kitchen sink. It’s been the root of some long stares at the ceiling. And it’s forced me look at my kids—as well as myself—and ponder.
Am I raising children who feel? Am I giving my children the comfort and safety of connecting to those unexplainable emotions that stir from that place deep inside? A place that is uniquely theirs?
And here’s what I’ve been realizing to be my real hopes for my kids:
- I want them to be people who look out over the Grand Canyon, the prairies of Kansas, or the white caps off of the coast of Maine and feel the deepness of awe. True awe.
- I want them to be lost in time, someday, as they hold their own children in their arms, and be amazed by how miraculous their baby’s fingerprints are.
- I want them to see into the eyes of someone unexpected. A store clerk. A cab driver. A barber. And I want them to feel the true sense of connection with another human being.
- I want them to have the regular need to pause and watch the fantastically amazing world of something that catches their eye. A bird. A droplet of water on the window. A spider web. An airplane.
- I want them to hear a song and feel as though the words were written for them. And them alone.
- I want them to feel the warmth of comfort as they savor the taste of a meal prepared from the hands and heart of a loving cook.
- I want them to feel alive. The energetic richness of alive where every muscle, every flinch, every pulse in their body becomes a gift. Even in their darkest moments.
- I want them to feel validated. A validation that gives them an absolute conviction that every day has purpose. That every minute they are given can be a minute of good. And I want them to feel the joy in validating others.
- I want them to feel purposeful.
- I want them to feel responsible. Accountable. I want them to feel as though they are a mirror for others.
- I want them to feel the love of their dad. No matter where they are in the journey of life.
- And yep, while I’d like them occasionally to feel the need to clean their room, help with yard work, and maintain peace with their siblings, I want them to feel the gratefulness that Annie spoke of.
For the life they have the privilege of living.
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—Photo ajari/Flickr / Creative commons license
Wonderfully and simply stated, Jim. I talk quite often about owning your own happiness, but you also owe you and your family the sense of wonderment this universe has to offer, and to just BE in that moment. This is “print out and post on my fridge” worthy. Bravo.
Love this piece. It’s exactly how I feel about my students, too. I want them to feel awe, and then go out and make a difference somewhere. A real difference. Thanks for writing this. You must be an awesome parent.
Shared this on the Charged Life Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Charged-Life/230600533653460?ref=ts A wonderful message thanks for posting!
Wow. This really does make you stop and think, doesn’t it?
I have felt similarly about the overuse of the words, ‘I love you’ being that I see it thrown around so carelessly now, but I never stopped to think about something simple like ‘thank you’ or ‘that’s beautiful’.
Suddenly, I wonder if my kids’ life has enough spice…
wow.
Beautiful post and it gave me a lot to think about as well. I’m a stickler on manners and etiquette with my children, I want them to be “good” but not at the expense of it all becoming robotic and mundane. Great piece!
This is an excellent, thought-provoking post. Thanks for making me think on a Monday morning. 🙂 Seriously, I’m going to share this on my blog, My Life With Pie. This is an important lesson for all of us parents to remember when we’re teaching our kids – are we teaching them words, steps in a process, etc.? Or are we teaching them the meaning of the words and the reasons behind the steps? Anyone can teach their kids to repeat words or phrases, but helping them to truly understand the point, to FEEL it, is where the real value is.… Read more »
Courtney – you thanked me for helping you think on a Monday morning….and I’d like to thank you for sharing your thoughts on a Monday! Your note was wonderful and appreciated!
Jim – i am with you 100%. Awe is something that I have hoped to inspire in my now-gorwn children. As I read your article, I remembered one night, maybe 15 years ago, when one of the commet’s was passing closely to earth. My mother came over – at about midnight – and she and I and my two sons lay on a blanket in our front yard watching the night sky in hopes of seeing the commet. I think we saw it, though I don’t remember. But I do remember being thrilled that my sons were as excited about… Read more »
Roger -your story reminds me of the time my oldest son swore he saw Rudolf dancing through the December skies many years ago. I’ll take memories like that any day!
Wonderful post, I can definitely understand the difference. Especially in today’s disposable generation.
Thanks for reading and sharing Lindsay. No more disposable!
I believe in teaching your kids gratitude and we actually did that by moving our 3 sons to Belize, Central America at the age of 16, 13 and 10. We lived there for a year and getting away from Orange County, California with peer pressures was the best thing we ever did for our family.
What an incredible story! I’m sure that’s going to have a lifetime of impact with the boys. Really neat.
I thank the Lord for people like You and Annie. I love the way you write. I can almost FEEL every single emotion inside of you! If I can feel the emotion when you write…. I can just picture the emotion your children feel when they are in your presence!!!!!! Bless You xx
Debra – thanks for such nice words. Annie is pretty amazing – and totally genuine! Thanks for reading!
This is an incredible post. I want all these things for my wee children too! That’s what I’m staying at home for – to invest good things in every moment of their lives. However, I have been so exhausted of late keeping up with them that gratitude is lost somewhere. Thank you so much for this beautiful reminder!
You sound like an amazing mom! Trust me, all the tired nights, weery moments pay off. HUGE! You’re giving some lucky kids the most amazing gift ever!
that is really beasutiful. How do we do it?
Hey Jennifer – I guess we start doing it by letting ourselves experience the awe ourselves!
Honestly, reading this was like a breath of fresh air! I want that for my children too! I’m going to bed tonight with a sense of bliss.
Thanks Sarah! It’s a big great world out there for our kids, isnt’ it? Part of the fun of being a parent is just watching them discover it all, isn’t it!? THanks for the note!
Hi! Thanks for the great note. I think all of our kids are a work in progress…but every once in a while we get reinforcements that we’re doing things right, don’t ya think! Have a great day and thanks for the note!
This was so beautifully written. I felt you spoke of all the hopes of all parents out there for their children. I’ve always strived to teach my kids gratitude and not just to say ‘thank you’ for the sake of saying it. It’s still a work in progress and I do hope one day they will learn to say it from a place deep inside. It was really heartwarming reading this. Thank you. I’ve shared this on FB and have gotten wonderful responses from friends.