Jed Diamond, PhD examines what is making men so sick, and how we can live longer and better.
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I never realized how lonely life could be until I got divorced. My wife got custody of the kids and I didn’t realize how much I would miss seeing them every day until I became the “non-custodial parent.” She also got custody of the house and I moved into my cousin’s garage, which was all I could afford. I soon realized that most of our friends were actually her friends. The friends I had before we got married had mostly drifted away and I hadn’t made new ones. My wife had become the social secretary and I counted on her to plan the parties and keep us connected with our family, friends, and neighbors.
Without even recognizing it, I began to slip into depression. I became more irritable and angry. I worked harder and longer hours and got more done, but I couldn’t shake the belief that was a failure at marriage, a failure as a man, and a failure at life. Suicide seemed like a real option, though I knew I couldn’t do that to my children. What saved me was the men’s group I had joined a year before my wife and I split up. Throughout most of my life I got along better with women than with men and when I got married and had children, I didn’t think I really needed a lot of friends. I was too busy with work and family.
I was one of the lucky ones. I learned to reach out to others. I’ve been in the men’s group now for 35 years and I’ve been married to Carlin for 34 years and I feel more healthy and alive than any time in my life. But for too many men, disconnection can be deadly. In his book Dying to Be Men, Will Courtenay says, “For all 15 leading causes of death, except Alzheimer’s disease, including heart disease, cancer, stroke, accidents, diabetes, kidney disease, liver disease, suicide, and homicide; men and boys have higher age-adjusted death rates than women and girls.”
Perhaps the greatest indicator of men’s disconnection and despair is suicide. Men commit suicide at rates 2 to 18 times higher than women, and the rates increase dramatically as men age:
- Between the ages of 55 and 64 men take their own lives at 3 times the rate of women.
- Between the ages of 65 and 74 men take their own lives at 6 times the rate of women.
- Between the ages of 75 and 84 men take their own lives at 7 times the rate of women.
- And for men aged 85 and older they take their own lives at 18 times the rate of women.
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Men Often Under Estimate the Importance of Friendships
Thomas Joiner, PhD, is a recognized expert on men’s health. He’s an adviser to Men’s Health magazine and author of Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Men’s Success. Joiner has been doing research on men’s health for many years and his interest began early. Like me, Joiner had a father who attempted to take his own life. My father was “unsuccessful” and survived. Joiner’s father took his own life at the age of 56. Joiner shares his deeply personal story in his book:
I recall standing in my parents’ bedroom as a five-year-old boy, as my dad was getting ready to go to work one day. My dad ran a successful business with—and was very good friends with—a famous athlete. He was focused on wealth and status; and had already achieved them, but really the only person you could call a best friend in his life was his business partner, and even that, in retrospect, was a shallow friendship.
I suddenly got very worried for my dad—and us—and asked “Dad, what would happen if you and him weren’t friends anymore?”
His dad dismissed his concern with a laugh. “Twenty years later, when they weren’t friends or business partners anymore, my dad killed himself,” says Joiner. “This is not a story about how I was a prescient five-year-old. Rather, it is an ‘out of the mouths of babes’ tale about a child who had just started kindergarten, dreaded the first day, and couldn’t wait to go back the second day because of all the friends magically convened there, and could see what a thirty-five-year-old man could not: that my dad’s growing friendlessness was a problem, if not at the moment, then eventually.”
But like most hard-driving, successful, men Joiner’s father thought friendships were not critically important. “Why should he worry, he had enough money, seemingly endless professional prospects, a beautiful young wife, and two healthy children? The five-year-old’s retort of ‘yeah but no friends’ can be answered ‘I don’t need friends. I have you and your sister and your mom and I have money and a bright future.”
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Loneliness is the Hidden Killer of Men
In their book Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection researchers John Cacioppo and William Patrick say that “social isolation is on a par with high blood pressure, obesity, lack of exercise, or smoking as a risk factor for illness and early death.” Most of us are aware that air pollution, obesity, and heavy drinking aren’t good for us. But few of us think of loneliness as a risk factor for early death. But Capioppo’s research shows the relative risk of various factors:
- Air pollution increases our risk of early death by 5%.
- Obesity increases our risk of early death by 20%.
- Excessive drinking increases our risk of death by 30%.
- Loneliness increases our risk of death by a whopping 45%.
Joiner notes that with age, men gradually lose contact with friends and family. “And here’s the important part,” he tells us, “they don’t replenish them.” Instead of maintaining our friendships and developing new ones when old friends slip away, we look for Band-Aid solutions to cover our loneliness. Some of us become more workaholic; others escape into alcohol or drugs. Some have extra-marital affairs. These pseudo-solutions only serve to increase our loneliness.
Most of us realize that it’s never too late to change our diet or increase our exercise levels. Likewise, it’s never too late for us to admit we’re lonely, reach out to others, improve our relationships, and make new friends. It may be the best health advice we’ll ever receive. The alternative isn’t pleasant. A postmortem report on a suicide decedent, a man in his sixties, read, “He did not have friends…He did not feel comfortable with other men…he did not trust doctors and would not seek help even though he was aware that he needed help.”
As the Eagles song Desperado reminds us:
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses
You’ve been out ridin’ fences
for so long now
Ohh you’re a hard one
I know that you’ve got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you
Can hurt you somehow…
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
(let sombody love you)
You better let somebody love you…ohhh..
before it’s too..oooo.. late.Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
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Photo: Flickr/Oleh Slobodeniuk
I think maybe you missed one. Male disposability. I know it’s the way I’ve lived my life. You serve a purpose, in my case it was ‘Provide and Protect’ as far back as I can remember( I’m the oldest with 2 sisters). Don’t get me wrong, it’s actually quite liberating knowing that other than your purpose, you really don’t matter. The problem is that the kids are grown, out on their own, and if I died tomorrow, the wife should be left, if not on easy street, quite comfortable. So, the $68,000 question is, why am I here? What’s my… Read more »
Good comments all. Male disposability is a real issue. We all have to find a purpose and guides our lives and gives meaning to why we’re hear. Part of that is through our connection with others, not so we can
get our identity from them, but because part of our identity IS our relationship to others.
Thanks for your continuing comments all.
Such a wise and important essay, Jed. I’d like to comment on social media, because I feel it has great potential to either alleviate loneliness or reinforce it. A man with hundreds of Facebook friends may delude himself into thinking that he has lots of friends, but the most important benefits of genuine friendships are absent: in–person companionship, intimacy, and fun among them. On the other hand, social media can be a great tool for locating potential friends (I have made friends with lots of people whom I first met online). The trick is to not use social media as… Read more »
Jed, thank you for a very powerful and insightful article.
Lovely article, I wrote something along the same lines for GMP, and quoted the psychiatrist Steve Biddulph saying that the biggest killer for men ‘was the L-word: loneliness’. But the replies to me show another concern – some are still defining themselves by getting remarried after divorce, defining themselves through others, even if those are very loved wives and children. There is only one person who will truly make you happy: you. If you bring that person to a relationship you’re solid. If you’re looking for ‘the other half’ then you’re only bringing half a man to the table. Be… Read more »
Very interesting article Jed. While I certainly wouldn’t disagree on the benefits we can draw from friendship, one thing at least just as important is finding to time to focus on oneself. On our creative skills or the dreams we might have put on the back-burner due to career and family. There’s nothing better to build our sense of self-worth and learn not to become overly dependent on others.
This article definitely hit a chord from top to bottom. There is so much here that is indicative of my life over the last few years. My loneliness became quite apparent after my wife left. I neglected relationships. I buried myself in work. I somehow became uncomfortable with male relationships. This has bothered me, but I have taken few steps to remedy it. This article is definitely a call-to-action for me.
David, So glad you recognized the “call to action.” We need to all continue to reach out. My men’s group has been meeting for 35 years. I’m in a second men’s group that is focused in our local community with guys that are committed to their own health and well being and also to helping our community. We help ourselves as we help and support others.
Great read. Hopefully men will realize we are not alone. Having been divorced, alone and certainly lonely, I first had to commit to my child, become a good father and understand what it means to be a real man, a person others can count on. It was a daily commitment to become a better person. This article reminds me of the man I was and what could have happened to me. Today I am remarried and really committed to my wife and our three children but not a day goes by that I do not remember why I have to… Read more »
I too grew up with a father who had no friends and struggled to be openly close with others; I count myself lucky that I have a twin brother and knew that it was natural and possible to be completely close with boys and men; even so I had to fight for that closeness as my parents and school tried to separate us as early as 4 years old saying it was time we learned to stand alone; why are we all so afraid of closeness between boys and men; we need each other and life is full of fun… Read more »
Clive,
I agree, there’s a lost of fear in our society about boys and men connecting emotionally. The best thing I ever did was to get in a men’s group. We’ve continued to deepen our relationships over the years and have now been meeting regularly for 35 years. We intend to keep going our whole lives.
Ricardo, Good for you for recognizing that you needed to pay attention to the important relationships in your life. Children can help us recapture the love we thought we had lost. When we give to others, we give to ourselves.