I can see the sweet naivety of our wistful Disney dreams cowering at those three words.
But it needs to be said.
How many years have been spent with someone we love, but aren’t compatible with, clinging desperately to the hope that it will work out?
That the love will carry us through…
What about the unhealthy relationships we’ve stayed in because of the hope that our love will eradicate those patterns and bring us to harmony?
Don’t get me wrong.
Love is POWERFUL.
Love can create miracles.
AND — when it comes to relationships, love isn’t enough.
A brief example:
You might have friends that you love, right? Would you want to be in an intimate relationship with them? Probably not. Why? Because you’re not in an intimate relationship with them already, and you’ve not pursued that. Something has stopped you.
Maybe it’s your orientation, or maybe it is that they are a great friend but not someone you see as a great partner for you… whatever the reason, the love doesn’t equal partnership.
That’s always true.
Love doesn’t equal compatibility.
Love doesn’t mean that you’re both ready.
Love doesn’t mean your communication styles allow you to handle difficult experiences together (and that they will ever match).
Love doesn’t mean that either of you will change and grow in the direction you need to to make it work.
Love doesn’t mean you’re on the same path in life.
Love doesn’t mean you value the same things in life to share your life with someone intimately.
Love doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them.
And — most of all, love doesn’t mean you can override those things.
You might be able to develop communication skills, and enhance polarity and attraction to make it work. Please don’t think I’m here to violently burst those Disney dreams of yours. I actually am a love-optimist (though it might not sound like it).
But something else I have learned about love in my 30 years of believing that it could conquer all…
…is the truth that it cannot conquer all.
And THAT IS OKAY.
Relationships are so much more than love. They are about respect. Care. Mindfulness. Humility. Selflessness. Sharing time. Problem-solving. Shared values.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to walk away from people we love. Or have them walk away from us.
It doesn’t make sense to our hearts to not stay where the love is.
But that doesn’t mean we should ignore it.
Because we can find ourselves in situations where we are suffering in love. Where we are sacrificing our values, safety, boundaries, and truth… for love.
And when we find ourselves curled into a fetal position at midday on the floor with puffy, dry eyes that can’t cry anymore, we might finally realize.
Sometimes the best relationship we can have with people we love is not romantically intimate because that is what is best for our mental and physical health.
I believe in love. I believe in giving love a chance. And I also believe in trusting our rationale, as well. In listening to the signals from our nervous system. In taking stock of relationships and noticing how they make us feel, beyond the love… and making decisions from there.
For anyone reading this that has learned this lesson the hard way — I feel you. I spent years trying to make it work for love. I disregarded my needs and values, thinking that love was enough.
It wasn’t. And that still makes me sad, sometimes.
But acknowledging that and allowing my head to work WITH MY HEART, not against it… is what led me to the difficult release of my strong attachment to the potential.
And made me present enough to let it go and let something else in that was MORE healthy for me.
That had the love, as well as the safety. The support. The shared values. The care. The nervous system soothing (that’s a big one!)
Sometimes all it takes is for us to remind ourselves, “Love isn’t enough” so that we can finally experience the kind of love and relationship that IS enough for us.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com