Making a Safe Space for Men to Grow Up

I’ve been with two men who were sexually abused as children, and three who suffered from neglect. And truth be told, I’ve only been with four men in my life. Is this just my pattern with men? Or is this pervasive and we are just not talking about it?

As a middle-aged woman, I am tired. I am tired of a lot of things and I’ve been tired for a long time. I am especially tired of men’s lack of emotional maturity, over-confidence in their own skills, and lack of integral honesty. But in the same breath, I wonder about the world that has allowed for this and has even supported this. Because this was the world I grew up in as well.

While we, women, bellyache and complain about not being able to find capable partners, men remain unconscious sufferers. They don’t know why women don’t want them. They don’t know why they can’t keep a good woman.

They don’t know that they are the core of the problem. Because they have always been the norm…and everything else has always been named as the problem. Call it what you will. There are perceived threats to men…like feminism, that they just don’t understand.

And that ‘not understanding” was not necessarily of their choosing. They might have been mommy’s little prince. They might have been the brother who picked up the pieces while mom chased another high. They might have been the silent brother who was abused by his older sisters and their friends.

Their suffering has been silent because they have never been given permission to speak about these, most important, pains.

We, women, can talk about our pain now. Our sexual abuses, our abusive exes, our mother and father wounds, and body image issues are on the table. Yay for us! I am so grateful for all of the women who sacrificed their good names, their reputations, and their time and energy to made that a possibility. I have three daughters and there are things I will never have to endure, second-hand, because of this.

But the men…what about them? The lack of words has held them back.

And the lack of their voices, holds US back. Because they can never become the men we want without them.

We want men who do their work, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. We want men who we don’t have to ask to grow the fuck up. We want men.

But men are raccoons, I am convinced. If there is something sparkly across the road, they will find a way to cross to see what it is. It is easier than doing the work right in front of their faces…the less sparkly thing. I HATE being the less sparkly thing, just sayin’.

I am not going to say #allmen are like this. But, we have a world that allows for it.

They engage in fantasy football and video games. They easily justify their late nights at work, their affairs with their coworkers, and lack of engagement at home. The world we live in doesn’t hold them accountable.

So, how are we supposed to be able to do that as a single, solitary woman? How are WE supposed to hold them accountable?

I am not blaming men, here. We all suffer this plague together.

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The first step to solving a problem is this: Acknowledging the REAL problem. And the real problem is not men’s immaturity. That is a consequence of living in a fucked up world. But their immaturity is the thing that breaks up partnerships and marriages, forces women to raise children as single parents, and degrades our society even further if that’s even possible.

We must address the core problem. But how do we do that?

I believe we must start with patience. We must start with our own self-healing. We must convince our egos that the pain caused by their immaturity is not about us. We must learn to detach ourselves from it. Only then, can we address it without desperation and the accompanying emotions.

But, before all that, we must determine if it’s even worth it for us. Is it worth having a partner, doing all this work?

This is a conversation I have with my daughters regularly. When they hang out with their “normal” guy friends, they know what to expect. But when they meet a boy/man who shows emotional maturity, we dig in and have a closer look.

They are at the same stage of life I am, in some regards. No, they don’t have decades of clean-up of a messy divorce. But, they are trying to determine if relationships with men are worth it, just like I am. So, it’s an interesting conversation.

Do they wish I would just stay single for the rest of my life, like my bigger family does? Yes. However, as the oldest daughter in a large family, I am meant to be in a partnership. Relationships are the most important thing in the world to me. I love them, hard as they are sometimes.

Back to men. Once we decide it’s worth the work, we can proceed.

And patience is the main character trait we must embody if we are going to proceed. Because using caution and all of our observational skills are going to be required. And that’s okay. Because we want a partner.

We want someone to feel safe enough to talk to us about what hurts them. We want the give and take of a real relationship, not just a “you do you” kind of cohabitation. We want to be present for them and support them while they lick old wounds and get the help they need. Because when they are healthy, all of society becomes more healthy.

One man at a time. That’s all it takes.

So, women, I have a feeling that if we want good men, it’s going to be up to us. It’s going to be determined by our ability to do our own work and be patient while they do theirs.

We must continue to forgive our own shortcomings and see our fuller relationship as the prize to be won.

No, there are no guarantees. Even if you decide to do your work, women, men might not do theirs. They might like their sparkly things more than the prize of a real and honest relationship. And that sucks. I know.

When we enter a relationship with anyone, no matter if it’s a new job, having a child, or a partnership, there is a great deal of risk involved. We cannot really know what is around the corner. We can prepare and hope for the best. But, in the end, our patience and deep-seated love are required, for ourselves and the others involved.

If we want the love of a man who is deeply stable and emotionally mature, we are going to have to pay the price. Their moms and dads didn’t teach them. Churches certainly didn’t, either. School let them get away with everything. And workplaces likely treated them like God. Because they are men.

But if we want something different, we are the society that needs to hold them accountable. We are the ones who must start the ball rolling.

Or it never will.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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