The first thing I did to kick off the New Year was register with a dating site, hoping to meet someone to share my life – or at least some interesting times. It’s been a mixed experience so far. The worst that’s happened has been spending time with people who have very different values and tastes. On the plus side, I’ve enjoyed some fascinating conversations with all kinds of women, even when we weren’t what I’d call ‘couple material’.
One eye-opening experience has been finding out from women how other men present themselves in their dating profiles. It feels like a window on to some of the big hopes, fears, and needs of the masculine soul. Apparently, one common feature is a selfie taken with something they feel proud of, that’s usually relatively well-endowed in terms of size. I’m not talking about d*ck p*cs, although some men would probably like to show theirs off if they could! These displays are more like symbols of status or accomplishment – a large fish they’ve caught; a new car they have bought; big biceps they’ve grown; that sort of thing. Aspects of their life that they obviously hope will garner them the respect, appreciation, and affection which, let’s face it, most of us would like more of.
It reminded me that one of the main ways for men to feel our lives have value is in getting recognition for what we do, and what we own. We seem to be lacking in core confidence that we’re essentially worthwhile and enough, as a man and as a potential partner. We need some score sheet of accomplishment – often to do with size – to feel sure we’re deserving of a woman’s, or anyone else’s, attention. In the old days it might have been the weight of the mammoth we dragged back to our cave; or the sabre-tooth tiger we killed? In any case, it seems sad that we often feel we’ve something to prove, and not more comfortable just being ourselves. What’s also tragic is that the women telling me about this couldn’t care less about a potential partner’s achievements or possessions; they were much more interested in finding out whether he was a kind, funny, caring, kind of individual who would take an interest in them
Something I’ve realised from these dating conversations that women don’t realise how insecure many of us are about our innate value, and needing reassurance behind the posturing and showing off (which can backfire badly if it comes over as potentially threatening or, at best, insensitive). When I shared my insider perspective on all this, women told me they could begin to understand the strange ways men can behave sometimes, although it didn’t mean they liked it any better.
Based on this female feedback, my strong advice to all men – and to myself! – in creating dating site profiles is: don’t be afraid to show your true self, including your vulnerabilities and doubts. It’s natural and human to feel these things when meeting someone new; and the main thing she’s trying to find out about you is how hu-man are you? Smart men know that there are all kinds of subtleties involved in nudging a potential partner into being interested in them and welcoming their advances. It’s not about ‘making an impression’ – and if you try to do that, it’s likely to end up being the wrong kind.
So relax, be honest and be yourself; that’s the kind of man that most women are hoping to meet, so it’s a real win-win. Happy dating!
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash