In a time of pandemic, our country needs a bold leader. We need a father not a racist uncle who makes everybody uncomfortable. We need a person who is willing to put on a face mask.
I wear a face mask. In fact, I look good in a face mask. People are always telling me, “Tim, you should wear a face mask more often, maybe all the time.”
I’ve invested some serious capital in face masks, that’s how serious I am about ending the pandemic. Everybody should embrace face masks. I have plans to make wearing a face mask more acceptable.
First, as your next President, I plan to have national competitions for most creative face masks. There will be several categories, homemade, best use of a scarf/bandana, sports-related, musical and others to be announced later. Everybody will take a selfie and send it to people who have lost their jobs due to the pandemic; they will find gainful employment judging their fellow Americans and their artistic abilities.
The winner of each category will get one blank signed executive order. They can fill in the text. How’s that for participatory democracy?
To generate more interest in wearing face masks I will have actors wear them in movies and on television shows. There’s an exciting branding opportunity, the face masks of the stars. Wear the same face mask Tom Cruise wore in Mission Impossible 18: The Man Whose Getting A Little Older. We can make a mint off of this.
Of course, ending the pandemic will be nice, too.
I plan on making the face mask the new printed leggings or ripped jeans. People will be wearing them just because they look so socially acceptable.
There is a hand sanitizer plank in my campaign platform as well. I have a plan to make sharing the hand sanitizer a new way of greeting. When you meet someone and you each extend your had in friendship instead of a firm grip and a generous exchange of germs you will just place a small amount of hand sanitizer in each other’s palms. No more macho posturing trying to see who can squeeze the hardest, no more wondering about “how long is too long?”
After a quick spritz, each person will retrieve their hand, rub the sanitizer in completely and a friendship is formed. All while helping each other kill germs. It kind of brings a tear to my eye.
I’ve almost eliminated the next pandemic before it even starts and I haven’t even been elected yet. This might not be such a bad idea after all.
When it comes time to pull that lever, or punch that ticket, or fill in that little dot, or do whatever it is you have to do to cast your vote you might want to consider who has already taken care of the next problem while the current regime is still trying to figure out what to do about the current one.