Maybe It’s Time Single Parents Rethink How To Approach Dating

“You should wait a year” is the dating advice single parents often hear in regards to introducing children to significant others. In theory, the relationship is “solid” by a year; therefore, introducing children is acceptable. I agreed with this for a while, but my opinion has changed.

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way, despite the length and depth of involvement in a relationship, nothing is stopping a person from vanishing from a life they’ve started. In my case, leaving a heartbroken little boy and me encumbered with guilt for allowing such a person into our world. That experience led me to ask myself and others, “How well do we really know anyone, and how do we know if we can trust them with our children?”

The idea of a year as a benchmark of a healthy relationship, worthy of introducing our children into, is not very sound, in my opinion. Perhaps a background check and diligent vetting to find out if someone is a sociopath would be a better use of time (not to mention it would probably save a lot of time), and then decide if they should meet your children or not. Whether that time frame is six months or a year, I think it is best not to do anything under the pretense that the relationship will last forever. A better plan would be to approach any introductions or interactions involving children in a way that embraces the possibility it could end for any number of reasons, some of which are tragic, but many others are choices.

The idea of a couple staying together forever, especially today, is becoming far-fetched and unsustainable. After observing the discomfort in many relationships today, I often think about what I want for my son, that is, for him to grow up confident whether he is single or not. I don’t want him to find himself lost and struggling if and when a romantic relationship ends. I want him to understand not all relationships are meant to last. I desire for him to recognize red flags, know when it’s time to walk away from something unhealthy, and do it honestly, with integrity and respect.

How can I do this? By establishing to him it’s okay if relationships end, and there may be strong emotions attached to these endings, but life will go on. More people will enter our life, and maybe one of those people could end up being a partner for life.

What would I be modeling for him if I went back to dating without being realistic about people today? The reality is, you can be with someone for years and not know who they are. You can be married even to a person and find out they have a double life. I’ve seen people spend decades with someone and have children with them, only to find out they were not at all who they said they were. Single parents should be working on consciously dating instead of seeking out a relationship to circumvent being alone. Maybe it’s our job to help prepare our children for healthy dating and realistic relationship goals (or endings).

I’m showing my son it’s okay to be without a partner or a relationship by not rushing into another one. I’m setting an example that being single doesn’t mean being alone. It means being confident and comfortable with yourself, or at least brave enough to get comfortable with yourself. Being comfortably single illustrates you do not seek validation through an external partner. It demonstrates that the world doesn’t end after a breakup. There is no need to place so much importance on one person; unless that person is yourself.

A parent walking confidently with a smile is an essential example for children to see, more important than seeing the façade of a “loving, happy couple.” Unfortunately, loving, happy couples don’t last as long as they used to. Because of that, we need to show our children the importance of maintaining our own identity and self because our identity and self will always be around for us, whereas romantic partners will come and go. I hope my son will absorb the significance and beauty of being his own person whether he is in a relationship or not. The relationship with yourself is the most important one you will have. Isn’t that the word on the street these days? I have to agree.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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