Remember those pigeon-holed relationship quizzes in Cosmopolitan magazine? Or better yet, the stereotype-based questionnaires on BuzzFeed like, “What city do you belong in based on what’s in your fridge?” Anyone who eats tofu or tempeh obviously belongs in Austin or Portland, right?
It’s all so cliché and predictable.
Those same quizzes will convince you that you fall under one of three attachments styles in relationships: secure, anxious, or avoidant. I dated under the impression that I was an avoidant type of lover—fiercely independent, someone who needs hours of alone time, someone who comes across hot-and-cold.
You see, an avoidant lover wants attention one minute, and the next they ask to be driven home to recharge in solitude—or so the magazines say. This creates problems in a relationship when an avoidant person’s partner feels iced out.
Now the reader of these magazines thinks, “Oh no! I have a serious relationship problem the work through. Do I need therapy? Should I seek relationship counseling? How can I fix my attachment style?”
But what if I told you there’s no problem at all
Somewhere down the line, the “it’s not you, it’s me” mentality convinced us that we’re a wobbly table dying to be fixed. Women are taught from a young age that relationship = success and divorce = failure.
Prince Charming finds Cinderella’s slipper. Snow White awakens from a deep sleep with true love’s kiss. Ariel gives up her voice to walk on land with Eric—are we supposed to believe that women would rather be silent than be single?
I know, I know. All this coming from a married woman. What do I know about singlehood? While I may not be single, I stump friends and family when I tell them I don’t see children in my future. On paper, I have everything I need to start a family: a husband, a stable income, and a house, so why the hesitation?
To that, I say, what if my life path has something else in store for me besides children? Not necessarily something “better” but something different. Having children is not “better” than having a career or vice versa. Life paths are not measurable.
Your life can play out in a million different ways
Say you really love pilates. You practice five days a week, create your own workout plans, and share that passion on social media. Who’s to say you won’t become a pilates teacher one day? Who’s to say Obé Fitness or Peloton won’t reach out to you to join their team?
That sounds like a spectacular life, sans the traditional husband and kids. Or maybe the committed partner is in the picture, but your work as a pilates trainer takes you to Los Angeles or New York every other weekend—no time to “settle down” and have children.
So what? So freaking what that I don’t have a baby attached to my boob? I’m a freaking pilates instructor. You’re a mom. I’m a pilates instructor. Again, one is no better than the other. Maybe you’re destined for something other than marriage or motherhood.
The expectation that all women will eventually come to the same conclusion (guess I’ll have a baby now) is ridiculous, unrealistic, outdated, and frankly demoralizing. As if we have nothing else going on in life.
Fighting an uphill battle each and every day
So while I may not be single, I am constantly facing questions and expectations from my family about having children. My boomer mom has a hard time understanding that I see something different in my future, and you know what, I don’t even know what that is yet.
How exciting! Okay, that sounded sarcastic but I’m actually dead serious. How thrilling is it that life remains a mystery? An unsolved puzzle? A series of shifts, adaptations, evolutions?
No spoilers, please
I don’t want this to come across as negative but I see motherhood as a spoiler alert. It’s like sitting down for a movie to have the ending spoiled for you. Excuse me, I wanted to find out for myself how it ends. I enjoy the guessing game. Don’t tell me what will happen in the next five years.
What’s the point in living life if you know how it all plays out? You could become a mom (never say never), you could become a pilates teacher, you could fly to space in a rocketship with Jeff Bezos, you could invent a time machine, you could find the cure for cancer.
Only 0.00000000000000001% of your potential life paths lead to traditional marriage and babies. Don’t rain on my “what if” parade with your expectations. Nobody knows how your life will play out, not even you. And that’s the most beautiful part of living.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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