Kat Secaida on how it takes courage to let your worlds crash into each other.
by Katherine Secaida
Kat’s two worlds are alike, both filled with pain. POPS and family are different.
I feel like my family doesn’t understand where I am coming from, but they know one thing: I am hurting. But they tell me I shouldn’t be crying about anything because I have a mother who isn’t an addict. No matter how stressful her life, her answer is always, “drugs are not the answer.”
On the other hand, POPS is the place where it is fine to cry and listen to people’s advice and not feel crazy and where it’s okay to talk about the past and what still haunts you.
These two worlds may crash into each other, but I’m scared of the damage it will cause if they do. Am I ready to see my mother cry? No, I don’t want her to. My dad has hardly been in my life for over 15 years. My older sister, Maria, was into the drug/popping pills phase when she was my age. I feel like all my life there’s been some type of drug memory. Maria was hurt and looked for drugs but grew away from it and has her life together. I look up to her. And then there’s me who is always aggressive, hurt, and who saw drugs as an escape but that hurt my mind.
My POPS world helps me get through my past. At first it was hard to write about my life, but I learned not to feel ashamed of my past and to just embrace it. POPS is my second home. The vibe is always open, and it’s okay to cry and show emotion because we always have a shoulder to cry on. I don’t think I would have had the courage it write if it wasn’t for attending POPS and listening to peoples’ stories. I relate to a lot of the teens who attend.
My family is my other world, but it’s hard to talk about certain things with my mother. I can’t talk to my sister at times because she’s either at work or with her friends. My life can change, and it is changing, but there’s always something in the way. That’s when I get mad. My father was never there for 15 years—I went from visiting him in jail to visiting him in the hospital, and that had a big impact on my life. Now that I think about it, I sometimes feel “what the hell? What’s next on your list?”
My two worlds will crash into each other someday, and I hope my family does not turn their backs on me because I do need help, and I am getting it. I don’t want to see anyone being hurt anymore because I am a new person with changes and a new mindset.
Photo by Daniel Wütschert