My Marriage Is on the Rocks

I welcome responses to my writing.

All writers do. We live for them.

It’s the fun part of writing. I like to see how others respond to what I write, even if I receive a response that tells me my marriage is on the rocks like I got to my article “What Opening a Laundry Soapbox Taught Me About Marriage:”

An old friend of mine was recounting his failed marriage. He mentioned he knew it was over when he couldn’t take out the garbage right.

You’re getting close.

Personally, I choose to let my spouse take out the trash, hang clothes on the line, make the bed, arrange the refrigerator, etc. any way he pleases. Often I know I would do it differently. But it really doesn’t matter. The groceries are in the fridge, and I didn’t have to do it. I appreciate that.

Next time you don’t do something ‘right’, maybe don’t do it again. I don’t mean opening the detergent box correctly. I mean, do not do the wash. You got in trouble for how you did it. Then don’t.

Will it show her how much you do, your way?

Maybe.

Will she ask for your help?

Maybe.

Be sure to explain, you may do it your way, not her way.

You can see I had fun with the response. I thought about what the person said. I didn’t take it as obtrusive. I think it was genuine and heartfelt, even if the person knows only a sliver of my relationship with my wife from an article.

I think when people write a response like this it says they were triggered by your article, it struck a chord and the writing spoke to them about something in their life but they project the issue back onto the author.

Time will tell if the responder is correct or was presumptuous. This is what I would say to her opinion that we’re getting close to a failed marriage.

Imperfect Marriage

My wife and I have been married since 1999. A lot of couples we knew who got married around the same time are no longer together and we’ve wondered what has kept us together all these years and it isn’t because we’re perfect and have done everything right.

It’s actually quite the opposite.

We realized we went through many years of frustration due to contrasting parenting styles and personality differences and surviving chaos. Our dating years were dreamy. We went on picnics and gazed into each others eyes for hours and we bought the lie that marriage would be an extension of this.

Somehow I think we all buy the movie stereotype that marriage is supposed to be the same way as dating. Romance, kisses, love, hugs, with glitter and confetti and rainbows floating above our heads.

The truth is, marriage isn’t a fairy tale. It’s bringing two imperfect people together for a partnership. We’ve been conditioned to believe that marriage is about a prince and princess living happily ever after, but that’s a fairy tale.

The reality is, as a spouse you have to embrace your imperfect spouse and marriage by letting go of your unrealistic expectations. As I learned in recovery, expectations are premeditated resentments. Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean enabling unhealthy or toxic behavior in your relationship. It means accepting neither you or your spouse or your marriage will be perfect. Letting go of this expectation is the first step in a good marriage.

Yes, my wife and I have difficult moments in our marriage, but we’ve learned to go through these stormy times together and not be surprised when our imperfections create a conflict on our marriage. We work it out through talking it over and our marriage grows strong as a result.

That’s why rather than heading towards a failed marriage — which in all honesty is a pretty good description of our marriage in the past at times — I think my wife and I have gained wisdom to teach other couples to embrace their imperfect spouses and to not give up on their spouse or marriage.

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Previously Published on medium

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