Video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor.
I see the better and approve it, but I follow the worse. — Ovid
How do you get out of a toxic relationship? Well, if we were smart, we’d ask some people who have already done it. If you do this, you’ll tend to find at least one common theme that stands out pretty clearly. They finally realized that the person in question was doing them more harm than good. There’s something odd about that, though. Many people who are still in ongoing toxic or abusive relationships will tell you they already know that it’s bad for them. They nevertheless feel as if they can’t leave. So we have a paradox. What’s going on?
Well, again, if you ask some people who have been through this, but found the courage to leave, “What do you mean?”, they often give similar answers. They will say things like “I knew intellectually that it was doing me harm but it took me a while to really accept the truth at an emotional level!” or “I knew in my head but then something happened that made me realize how bad things had become!” You could say they’re “in denial” but there’s another way of looking at it, which I think may often be more helpful.
Our unwillingness to end a toxic relationship can be seen as a particular example of a much more general, and very common, problem. Why do we continue doing things that we know are not in our best interests? As Ovid said, though I see the better path, and approve of it, I end up following the worse. Why? The short answer is: salience.
We tend to respond emotionally to information that is more salient and vivid, or jumps out at us. We all know that somewhere in the world, right now, a child is starving. That knowledge doesn’t us hit us as hard, though, as actually seeing it on television — having it right before our eyes. People who have bad habits or addictions sometimes manage to change their behavior by making the negative consequences of their actions more salient. Individuals in toxic relationships likewise, often free themselves, eventually, by doing the same thing.
How do you go from “knowing intellectually” that you need to change to an “emotional realization”, one that actually changes how you feel, and motivates you to take action? In my experience, there are three basic steps that can help you a lot in this regard.
- Filling in gaps in your knowledge, by making it more detailed and comprehensive
- Reminding yourself frequently of your reasons for change, until they become extremely familiar
- Visualizing the more serious consequences of your current situation, so that they evoke a stronger emotional reaction
Let’s look briefly at each of these strategies in turn.
1. Filling in the gaps
So we said that most people have an “intellectual” knowledge of the problem but, on closer inspection, in many cases, that turns out not to be true. In cognitive therapy sessions, early on, we’ll often ask clients what the most likely consequences would be if they continued in their existing pattern of behavior. You can ask what the likely consequences will be if you continue in your current relationship. Typically, individuals who struggle to change are more focused on the short-term consequences. Try specifically asking yourself what the consequences will be for you longer-term if you stay in the relationship.
We typically weigh-up the pros and cons, or benefits and costs, of a course of action. For simplicity, though, if you’re doing self-help rather than psychotherapy, you may find it easier simply to list the negative consequences or harm that comes from your current course of action. Sometimes this is called an “annoyance review”. For example, a smoker might make a list of their five main reasons for wanting to quit cigarettes: the cost, the health risks, the example set to their children, and so on. The trick is to push yourself beyond your current understanding by pressing yourself at least a little and repeatedly asking “And is there anything else?”
Some people are good at this and come up with lots of reasons for leaving their partner, if the relationship is no good. Other people come up with a few, but then draw a blank. That’s a sign that there’s a gap, and filling these gaps can change our motivation, and our actions. So, again, push yourself a little further than normal. Structured questions can help. For instance, what harm, long-term, does the current relationship do in different areas of life.
- What impact would it likely have on your physical and mental health?
- How does it affect your other relationships — including friends and family?
- Would it be likely to harm your career, work life, or education, in any way?
- What about your other interests, such as spirituality or hobbies — how are they being affected?
- How will it impact your self-esteem and self-confidence, in the long-run, and where will that leave you in life?
By looking at the consequences of staying in a toxic relationship from different perspectives, you can often flesh out your motives for change, and that makes them stronger and more compelling.
Of course, there will usually also be perceived benefits to the relationship. Often it feels like these are what keep you in a bad relationship, even though you know all the harm it is doing to you. I’m trying to keep my advice here simple. If you were working with a counselor or a therapist it would be easier to spend more time working through all the angles. However, if you find it’s too unbalanced to only consider the disadvantages of the relationship or you feel it would be important to consider the advantages in order to address them, then you should certainly do so.
The most common pros that keep people locked into an unhealthy relationship are short-term. They tend to be forms of avoidance. Probably the biggest ones that you’ll hear is that the individual doesn’t want to hurt their partner or they’re scared that they’ll be alone, if they confront them or decide to leave. So staying in the relationship has the perceived advantage of avoiding that discomfort. You should ask yourself whether these and other perceived benefits are real, though. How do they compare to the long-term consequences of staying? Do short-term benefits such as avoiding confrontation really outweigh long-term benefits like freeing yourself from all the problems we explored above, and being able to move on in your life?
2. Reminding yourself of your reasons
Now we’re getting more into the question of recall and salience. Even if you can list all of the reasons why you should leave, and have filled all the gaps in your knowledge, you may still forget them sometimes. We need to have beliefs ready-to-hand in order to benefit from them. You can’t do that easily with a long-winded argument. So what’s the solution? We abbreviate your reasons, and construct simple reminders.
Someone who wants to lose weight might write down their three main reasons for doing exercise on a cue card, which they carry around in their pocket. Putting your reasons down on paper, or anywhere you can see them regularly, is a good idea. You may also make it a part of your routine to read them aloud, or whisper them to yourself, each day. You may also benefit from doing this whenever you feel that you need a reminder, or to motivate yourself to make a tough decision, or do something you’ve been avoiding. Write down your 3–5 main reasons for wanting to end a relationship, for example, and read it to yourself every day.
You don’t need to go into detail, because you’ve already done that. Just write down a few short phrases or keywords such as: “violence”, “self-esteem”, “children”, or whatever works for you. Of course, you might not want someone else to read this, so you can also just draw symbols, write initials, or use a secret code word. It doesn’t matter, as long as you can remember what it means.
3. Visualizing the Consequences
This is my favorite technique, as we’re now getting further away from verbal cognition and into the more experiential realm of mental imagery. This is where you make your motives come alive, giving them more vividness and salience in your mind’s eye. Picture the long-term disadvantages of staying in the relationship, drawing on the questions that you answered earlier. If you don’t change, where will you find yourself ten or twenty years from now? Imagine how it will affect your physical and mental health. Picture the effect on your self-confidence and self-esteem, and the wider impact on your relationships, and other areas of life.
You can make mental imagery more powerful and evocative by relaxing, removing distractions, and spending more time on the exercise. You can also make it more powerful by trying to bring in your other senses, such as imagining sounds and sensations, or even smells. Of course, do not do this if you find it too emotionally overwhelming or disturbing. If you are prone to panic attacks or suffer from other mental health problems, visualizing painful situations needs to be approached carefully, and is often best done under the supervision of a therapist.
The more often you do this the more effect it will have on your emotions and behavior. For instance, it could be part of your daily routine to read your cue-card three times, under your breath, as a reminder, then close your eyes and picture the consequences of staying in the relationship for a few minutes.
Now, you would be right to say that some people may find this too negative. Again, I’m presenting a simplified approach. If you have the time, or you are working with a therapist or counselor, you might want to visualize two contrasting futures. Start with the long-term consequences of staying in the unhealthy relationship, as described above. However, if you feel ready to do so, you may want to follow this by picturing the long-term consequences of leaving, or taking some other form of constructive action. How different would your life be five or ten years from now, if you found the courage to change things? Again, take time to explore the wider impact across different aspects of your life. How would moving on benefit your self-confidence and self-esteem? How would it enhance your mood and your physical and mental health? How would it affect your other relationships? And what positive impact would it have on your work or studies?
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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