When I was 8 years old, I could be happy drawing my favorite Superheroes, or happy playing with my cousins at the family party. I knew my happiness would soon come to an end. I would do something or not, that made Dad so angry at me. I’d end up crying. My happiness evaporated. I was so very scared. What I expected. That was my life. I normalized that. My life sucks. That was normal.
When Actor Matt Damon promoted his movie, The Odyssey, he spoke with Bri Morales from Are You Okay? Bri asked, “What is something that we should normalize?”
Matt said, “Kindness. I’m serious. Not niceness. Genuinely understanding that we’re all in this together, and we’re a lot less divided than we think.”
As the scared little boy, I normalized “My life sucks.” Matt Damon normalizes “Kindness.” We really can normalize anything. Be wise in what you normalize. Use your powers for good, not evil. Like Matt, I learned to normalize kindness. When we can normalize something it disappears, because it’s normal, because it’s what is. We can normalize kindness, so that it’s no longer “a thing”. Normal is kindness. That’s normal.
On Thanksgiving Day in the theater, I watched The Edge of Seventeen (2017) starring Hailee Steinfeld as smarter than thou 17-year-old Nadine. After vomiting over the toilet suffering from her hangover, Nadine cried, “I just had the worst thought. I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life with myself.” I was Nadine up there on the movie screen. I hated on myself. I was really good at that, too. I had to change or this could go very badly for me. I was the only one who could do something about it.
No, I couldn’t just start loving myself from zero, from who I was. Still, I could start hating on myself less. I could be kinder to me. I took my baby steps. I practiced kindness over, and over, and over again. Practice makes the unnatural, natural. Just train.
I’ve trained in Aikido for over 35 years. The purpose of Aikido is to release my fear. In Aikido, I wait out the attack, then enter the attack. I take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time. I get under the attack, in the danger. That’s the safest place to be. I hold my position. Make my timing. Open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. My fear of Dad when I was a little boy.
Under the attack, in the danger, I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s only me against me. I’m my greatest enemy, my greatest opponent. I overcome myself, no one else. I’m quiet inside. I’m kind inside. I normalize kindness for myself.
In Aikido, I train not to kill. I train not to harm anyone. I train to have compassion. The late Kobayashi Sensei said, “When someone attacks you, they are asking for your help.” They are asking for kindness that they’re missing. It’s not all about me. It’s about them. I heal the space between us. That is Aikido. That is the training.
I can let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker can continue their attack or take the fall. I can give kindness. The attacker can accept kindness. Kindness is a choice. We both choose. We can choose kindness. We can normalizes kindness. Kindness becomes normal.
I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I train to be kind to me. I train to be kind to others. I normalize kindness. When we normalize kindness, it disappears, because everyone gives and accepts kindness. Kindness is normal.
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Photo by Denisa Rama on Unsplash
