I’ve tried to tell myself I’m going to sit still in love or contentment and wait out an egregious circumstance deemed a “rough patch” as it kills me. As it betrays everything I believe in and stand for. And when I tell myself I’m going to try and sit tight or be OK with things that aren’t OK, something inside of me says, “Absolutely not!” It picks me up and pushes me forward.
Knowing I’ve had enough storms, it resolves to give me shelter.
I revere this part of me that wants and believes it deserves good things. That it warrants healthy relationships and consistent proper treatment. This part that’s willing to be alone in the name of self-respect. Uncertain in the name of fulfillment and purpose. This part of me that protects the little girl who once sat in a window all day, waiting for a father who never came. It keeps her from waiting too long or for someone and something not worth the wait at all.
This part of me stands up and says “no” when I might want to say “yes.”
It dialed the buttons on my phone and told a boyfriend who’d made me feel a way I’d never felt before that I was breaking up with him. It told him this with a lump in my throat and a heart’s desire only to be held. After discovering that he’d been working behind the scenes to repair the romance he’d ruined with his ex, it told him this despite promises of changed behavior.
This part of me sets boundaries.
It ended a friendship with someone who only seemed to take an interest in me when they needed a favor. It refuses to be drained by toxicity or continue futile attempts to solve issues with people who aren’t interested in solutions. It will take a breather from anyone, even my mother, if necessary for the preservation of my peace.
The part of me that believes it deserves good things has the audacity to chase dreams and pursue passions. It uprooted me from a steady job in a city I’d outgrown and followed my bliss across the country. It reminds me that worthiness isn’t measured in perfection. That I am enough. That my feelings are valid even when inconvenient. It has saved me from settling and self-betrayal disguised as compromise.
You have this part inside of you, too.
It just battles with and is often overshadowed by the part of you that provokes fear. Fear that it’s too late to be who you might’ve been. Or you’re too old to find love again. It’s the fear of potential disappointment or failure. Fear that the things we allow ourselves to believe we deserve won’t come to pass.
I’ve lost many bouts with fear. It’s caused me to sabotage opportunities. To leave people before I could be left. It compelled my clinging to smart choices that sucked the joy out of my soul.
But this part of us that believes we deserve good things doesn’t waver, even when we might be afraid. And I’ve seen lives transformed by surrendering to its promise.
This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.
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