“Something tells me I could fall in love with you”
This verse by NYC-based band BAILEN is wailing in the background as I write, using the power of music to transport me back to moments rich with raw emotion.
One of those raw emotions is either more elusive than ever or perhaps has always been elusive in its’ ineffable beauty: romantic love.
How do our expectations of love leave us disconnected from the reality of love? Let’s explore the idea of our fantasies of love and how we can begin to break some of our norms around romantic relationships.
We All Have An Idea of What Love “ Should” Be
I grew up with the mindset that we date to get married. Lucky enough to have my first serious relationship set high standards for what love should be like, I spent my college years expecting every boy I met to be “the one”. The last one hadn’t been anything special, but this one could be.
Our expectations of what love should look like is also colored by the kind of relationships we see growing up, and how we’re loved. The hard reality that other people-maybe people you really like-have wildly different ideas of what a caring relationship looks like hits as we begin to get older.
The danger of the ordinary love story is no joke. I’ve had friends and family friends getting married for years now who had met through a chance encounter or in the most ordinary manner.
Why couldn’t I meet my next great love in English class freshman year? I idealized so many boys through the lens of something that started out ordinary blossoming into a great love.
I wanted something that would last, too- surrounded by tv shows and movies that portrayed “perfect” relationships growing up, shown multiple examples of loving relationships in my own household throughout childhood, I knew I wanted to find a partner of my own.
I would come to learn it wasn’t that easy.
Should We Be Adjusting Our Expectations?
The short answer is, no. Notably, generations of women before me made sacrifices I would never make today to marry the partners they were happily married to for many long years.
As I forge out on my own today, determined to live life on my terms, my standards are quite high, in part due to the way I was raised and in part due to the way I’ve experienced men treat me.
Are my standards so high that it will be next to impossible to find someone to meet them? What does that say about us as a society?
Additionally, when we try to fit other people into our box of what we think love should be, it usually backfires.
I’ve had exes that told me they wanted something long-term because they felt put on the spot when I asked what they were seeking out of dating, only to learn months later they lied and never wanted a commitment at all. I’ve had exes who thought they did want something long-term, and didn’t realize how much of a commitment it was in the first place.
In the light of what’s come from asking people what they want out of dating, the phrase “let’s just see where it goes” can have an added value.
That brings us to a new set of issues-do people know what they want at all-and is this something that matters to you? How far are you willing to see “where it goes?”
Love Always Outruns Us If We’re Chasing
I view a loving relationship as having enough in your life and finding someone to share your abundance with. The more I’ve tried to chase down my idea of what a loving relationship is or should be, the farther away it seems to be.
This is unsurprising; most people I date are in their 20s and most of us are very hyper focused on the life we want to have. Simply put, we’re at a selfish age.
We take what we want, and when we’re ready to leave, we do. My age group isn’t great about considering how other people feel when it comes to romantic interaction.
Add Hinge, Tinder and other dating apps into the mix and finding a like-minded person to enjoy life with begins to seem like a pointless endeavor; why bother putting your energy into potential partners when it likely won’t pay off and you could be focusing on your own pursuits?
I grew up believing that every romantic interaction should have an end goal. A few years ago a friend of mine said, “I just like meeting new people,” when we were discussing dating and our love lives.
At the time, I couldn’t get my head around the idea that there was a world in which people dated knowing it could end or not knowing what the ending was “supposed” to be.
How did they live with the suspense?
When Did Dating Become Only A Means To An End?
I’m 23 now and as people frequently remind me, still young. I have plenty of time ahead of me. I’ve begun to see the value of companionship. I like to meet new people without an attachment to how it may end, simply appreciating the time I spend with someone.
It’s not like we ask an acquaintance, “so what are you looking to get out of this?” when we go out for coffee, hoping they’ll say they’re looking for their next best friend. Where did the practice of identifying people as a potential forever(wow! that is a long time!) or tossing them aside arise from?
Marriage and committed, strong relationships have a lot of value. I don’t desire a committed relationship for fun.
Companionship without an idea of how someone fits into your future plans has a lot of value, too-especially for people who like to do their own thing but are invested in getting to know other human beings.
Love obviously can’t be rushed, and looks different for everyone(something you have to learn for yourself). Humans need companionship-why shouldn’t we have it, without having the big “so what are we” talk?
In a recent and very big change of heart, I’ve become at peace with the idea that I may have the privilege of knowing someone, sharing parts of myself with them, and parting ways with them.
Maybe in the process of seeking companionship instead of pushing for constant commitment, I’ll find a lasting partner-likely when I least expect it.
Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts:
I’ve found that the expectations I was raised with for what romantic love should be(and what I ultimately want it to look like) don’t always hold up in a world where most 20 and 30 somethings are on the look out for themselves more than anyone, dating apps abound to discourage us from trying, and a lot of people find the idea of commitment daunting.
Here’s why I think it can be positive to take comfort in someone’s company, even if there may not be the promise of anything concrete in the future:
- we all have different expectations of what love looks like
- it can be very rewarding to use dating as a way to meet new people
- there is no point in trying to rush love or force commitment-it should come naturally
- Companionship and commitment have a lot of value, but you can have one without the other, and contrary to what many of us were raised to believe, companionship without commitment can be rewarding in the same way commitment can come without companionship. A relationship is what you make it.
- We are all on our own paths when it comes to romantic love, and we should honor where we’re at.
- Never stop asking questions about love-or anything! Societal norms are constantly changing, and our ideas about what can sustain us are changing with those norms.
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: iStock
