If you have ever used a dating app (is there anyone who hasn’t?), you know how shitty they are. They’re a decaying and vicious window-shopping experience, except that you’re shopping for girlfriends, lovers and one-night stands. Lovely.
But the biggest problem is that it gets worse overtime. When you start using them, it’s fun. So many new faces, so many cute people, and so many potential matches — let the fun begin! It’s as if you’re about to enter wonderland, and the only thing stopping you from a constant, endless mind-body-soul orgasm is how little time you’ve got.
But it doesn’t take long for the fun to get boring. And then, depressing. We know dating apps are designed to keep us swiping, not to help us find the love (or the fuck) of our lives. The longer we stay on them, the deeper we enter into the rabbit hole, and the more trapped we get in a world of swiping, first dates and casual love affairs with people who mean nothing to us.
My Experience With Dating Apps
About 2 years ago, my then-girlfriend broke up with me. After a few weeks of crying myself to sleep everyday, I did what everyone does to try and get over their ex’s, I installed Tinder.
I am not going to lie: it was a hard break-up, and it took me a year to get over it. Worse, it left scars on how I see relationships and human connection. I became a cynic that believes every relationship is doomed from the get-go. And this is the base on which I built every connection from then on.
And guess what… I was right. Every connection I established since then was doomed from the get-go. Except that there was nothing wrong with anyone but me.
My Friend’s Experience With Dating Apps
I have a guy friend who likes men. If you don’t know what gay dating apps are like, let me tell you: it’s the wild west. Most people there want sex, and they want it now.
But my friend is not like that. He’s in his 30s and has only had two relationships. He’s a serious guy, in life and in love, and was looking for a true, deep connection. You would expect him to be defeated before he even started.
A week after he installed Tinder on his phone, he deleted the app. But for the most unexpected reason: he met someone with whom he got serious with.
He was surprised and told me he considered himself lucky. “It’s the law of attraction. You get what you’re looking for, my friend”, I replied.
How It Works in Practical Terms — And How You Can Stack the Odds in Your Favour
The truth is that our beliefs dictate our actions in every area of our lives, and dating apps are no exception. What you bring to the table is what you have to play with, so the problem is not the rules or the other players, the problem is your attitude. And my attitude and my friend’s couldn’t be any more different.
Swiping right
- He only swiped right on profiles he really liked.
- I swiped right mindlessly, on anyone with a pretty face, often without reading bios.
How many people at once?
- He only talks to one person at a time.
- I breadcrumbed all the way.
When does it get serious?
- As soon as he got the conversation going with that guy, he stopped swiping. And as soon as he met him in person, he uninstalled Tinder.
- I don’t even get serious after kissing. I’ve had days of kissing one person in the morning and another in the evening. While still swiping during the day.
Expectations
- He wanted to meet someone meaningful and believed he could do it.
- I always expected I wouldn’t like people, and I treated the whole thing like a game.
Results
- He met someone special on a dating app after a week.
- I have over 200 matches, been on 40 dates, and I was only ever truly excited about maybe 5 of those women. I am still single and disappointed on everyone I meet.
Before You Leave
Remember my ex, the one who broke my heart, and my trust in relationships? She was the person I loved the most in my life and guess where we met… Tinder.
Dating apps are not perfect, but they are also not as evil as we tend to believe. They simply provide a platform for us to reveal ourselves and for other people to reveal themselves to us. So maybe what needs fixing is not the app, it’s us.
In love, as in life, we get what we hope for. The problem is that we are broken, lack self-esteem, and undermine ourselves based on the belief that we deserve no good.
Maybe it’s time to change that. We are worth it, we deserve the best. We will be get best. We just need to believe.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock.com