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Many dads grow up without their fathers and have no personal, first-hand experience or actual concept of fathering. A large number of them become fathers in their teens and struggle for years with the demands of rearing children, and often this includes rearing themselves in the process.
When we factor in a possible lack of education and/or a well-paying job he may be forced to work two (2) jobs which can and often does exacerbate the situation. He may be too exhausted to give his children the attention that they need and deserve. Many times, because of the demands of the job, family, etc. many fathers may begin to self-medicate by using and often abusing both legal and illegal substances.
Unfortunately, there are not many mentoring groups for men and /or fathers. Many fathers do not have the opportunity and/or courage to stand up in a group of men and share their fears and uncertainties of their responsibilities.
Re-evaluating Fathers
Numerous fathers are confronted, approached, cornered, etc. by their adult children. These approaches if you will are more often than not very emotional and painfully difficult to address. I think it is safe to say that in the large majority of the cases the conversation will go something like this:
“Was it something I did that caused you to treat me like you did? You were always too busy or too tired to do anything with me or to spend any time with me. I did not feel the love; I know you were probably doing the best you could, but I felt and still feel that something is wrong between us.”
A re-evaluating father will take this conversation to heart and re-shape his relationship with his children. A father who truly does want to change his way of interacting with his children realizes that fathering is not mired in machismo and does not question his manhood. He will embrace the fact that it is imperative to be honest with himself and that looking to others for fathering support can and often is a powerful bridge builder to strengthening his relationship with his children.
Characteristics of a Re-evaluating Father
Accept the fact that it is not about you. Fathering is all about the guidance, leadership, support, love, teaching, modeling and preparing children for as stress-free of a life as humanly possible. Fathers—and mother, for that matter—must be willing to adjust their lifestyles. What normally goes unspoken is the fact that many times, it is not so much of what you are doing, but what you are not doing, and what lifestyle changes you are willing to make in order to give your children what they so richly deserve and that is a loving, caring, supportive, role-model affectionately known as a father.
Making adjustments is inherently necessary to meet the demands and needs of your children. Educator Lisa Delpit has a book entitled Other People’s Children. Have your children become Other People’s Children? As difficult as this may be sometimes we have to refuse that job promotion, alter our TV viewing habits, discontinue our nights out with the “boys” etc.…
Re-evaluating fathers recognize that difficult circumstances aren’t an excuse to bow out on their responsibilities. Re-evaluating fathers explore and find ways to be effective, understanding clearly that they will face adversity and discouragement.
Re-evaluating fathers refuse to have a pity party; It may appear that you are the only one making sacrifices (it’s not about you) and that no one appreciates your efforts. Please keep in mind that a re-evaluating father is in touch with himself and realizes that his actions, attitudes, and commitment is being modeled and mirrored.
The Payoff
Re-evaluating fathers understand that they are preparing their children for a brighter future. Tunnel vision is not an option they are not caught up in self-aggrandizement, nor are they egotistical in their understanding of where this whole process is going and has very little to do with where it started.
A re-evaluating father is an impactful father. He embraces each teaching moment as an opportunity to prepare his children for that brighter future. If and when one or all of the children act inappropriately at school, family gatherings, in the neighborhood, etc. One desired end result is to maintain discipline and order to the situation. Much thought should be given to your selected choice of discipline (ahead of time). Just like many adults, our children’s psyche can be easily bruised.
Re-evaluating fathers maintain their view of the prize. It is crucial to be able to honestly say these words “I did all I could to teach them and bring them up right.” Too often we throw this statement around to impress others without really listening to what we are confessing to, but there is one or several individuals that will either confirm or deny this assertion. Yes, you are right, your children.
History has a propensity to repeat itself. Which legacy and what history are you creating?
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