Hurt people, hurt people.
Nope. Not that simple. Hurt people choose to harm others.
They use traumatizing behavior to make someone else suffer to cause bonding over misery.
Toxicity is a choice.
You don’t need to stay single until you have fixed yourself. That’s perfectionism. You can learn while in a relationship — here is a different view on the matter.
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#1. Struggling with a low point in life.
Of course, you should be careful who you let into your life when you are doing well. But you don’t have to limit yourself by never dating down.
Dating down becomes a problem if you are non-progressive. For example, you would pay for a partner’s tuition fee; but you would never upgrade your skills. Relationships are learning opportunities for humans. It is the practical exercise of all the theories read.
Not everyone will be alone and enjoy it. Because of attachment styles, some people only thrive in relationships. If you or someone isn’t hurting you, be with them. You can stay this way without marriage or defining the union — do this until you figure it out.
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#2. Sex mastery
Sex mastery only happens between two people. Self-pleasure creates preferences that penetrative sex cannot meet. Men grip themselves too tight; women give themselves clit focus.
Who ends up in a relationship together? Two committed, loyal people who cannot please each other. The players who hop from partner to partner. Plus, couples together forever are the only ones with realistic sex skills.
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#3. Shifting shame
A mental self-beat down affects how you interact with others. After a while, negative emotions can become the only thing that gets you going. You hurt someone you love to feel a need to change or improve your behavior.
Apologies become the only reason to be better. You don’t need to be perfect or better. Look beyond yourself. Respect people. Have empathy and show compassion for another person’s point of view. These changes hardily happen when people are single. Imagine how much harder it will be after years of singledom, only considering your needs.
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#4. Unconditional love
The only relationship that will be unconditional is the one between the pet and the owner. Or a parent and child. Adults love within conditions. If this were not the case, everyone would be in a relationship because there would be no bias, only love.
Conditional love is also internal. If you cannot like yourself, it is hard to see why anyone would want to spend time with you. You don’t need to be perfect to be deserving. Start with self-acceptance. This kindness will seek into your judgment of others. It will become easier for your relationships to blossom into more.
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#5. Misrepresentation and lies
Humans get bored. Why do we expect otherwise from relationships?
Love will still be boring, hard work, and tiring when you are with the right person.
I am sorry novels, friends, and shows lied to us. There is no perfect bliss. Not working on anything in life is to take it for granted. Relationships are much like pet care — it is an involved process.
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#6. Sex is more.
TikTok has a sex category now. Sex experts and educators are going wild with NSFW teachings. Earlier posts focused on techniques to achieve orgasms. But the meaning of sex is opening up.
It is a love expression. It is a way to closeness, understanding, and bonding. We have grown up thinking men want one thing. And people in relationships have so much sex.
But we should see it as more — add value to the concept. Stop perfecting your technique and deepen the meaning you assign to sex.
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#7. Judgment
Humans evolve. But growth remains incomplete because we use past definitions to define ourselves.
In a perfect world, you would stay the same. Instead, you become better or worse. If you label behaviors and move on with your growth, you can accept yourself and someone else.
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Thoughts
The above isn’t easy to apply.
But it opens your mind and makes change seem more doable. And if we can improve, men and women will be better for each other.
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Thank you for reading this post.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: 王 术山 on Unsplash