Real Men Don’t Cry

What bullshit.

“Real men don’t cry” is one of the most damaging lies out there — an insidious attack on men and masculinity itself. To call Gus Walz “weird” (as Ann Coulter did) or “a puffy beta male” (as Mike Crispi did) for showing emotion perpetuates destructive stereotypes that are contributing to the destruction of a generation of boys and men … and has real consequences for us all.

Let’s be clear:
→ Real men do cry.
→ Real men do feel deeply.
→ Real men are not defined by outdated, destructive notions of stoicism and silence.

And the consequences of this “Real men don’t cry” mindset? They’re staggering:

Men make up 80% of suicides.
Men are the primary victims and perpetrators of murder, with almost 80% of murder victims being men, and men committing about 90% of all murders.
Men die younger — statistically, about 5 years sooner than women.
Men have fewer friends, the number of men reporting that they have no close friends has quintupled. In 1990, only 3% of men said they had no close friends; by 2021, that number had risen to 15%.
Men have worse health outcomes — men are more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and respiratory illnesses at younger ages.
Men make up the vast majority of workers performing our dangerous jobs: over 90% of workplace fatalities involve men, largely because they are more likely to be employed in high-risk occupations like construction, mining, logging, and firefighting.

I could go on.

The problem isn’t men; it’s a divided society dead set on boxing men into an upside-down and backward version of masculinity.

On one side, there’s a loud contingent pushing fear of “the other” and harmful stereotypes of stoic, unyielding men who must suppress vulnerability and emotional depth. Real men don’t cry is one example from this side.

On the other, there’s another loud group calling anything masculine “toxic” and labeling everything related to men as “The Patriarchy.” This side celebrates the desecration of the masculine.

The result is that men feel attacked by all sides.

Even former President Barack Obama took a jab at masculinity during his DNC speech when he referenced Trump’s obsession with crowd size — a thinly veiled innuendo about penis size. Imagine the outrage if someone made a similar comment about a woman’s breast size. There would be widespread pandemonium. Come on, man, you can do better.

I regularly have private, hushed conversations with other men — men who have been initiated, men who have done the work to become men — and there is growing concern for our fellows and our sons. We are concerned that the loudest voices have hijacked the narrative. We are concerned about the growing isolation, desolation, and silencing of men in society.

If this doesn’t concern you, it should.

Society is creating a generation of boy who increasingly feel alienated and under siege from a society that fails to address their needs, are at risk of being radicalized into dangerous ideologies, ultimately becoming “dangerous boys in adult male bodies.”

This serves those who seek to dehumanize and divide us further. This serves the interests of the military-industrial complex, the prison-industrial complex, and the healthcare and pharmaceutical industrial complexes that profit from our pain.

But it doesn’t serve humanity.

Men —> you face a decision.

You can choose love or you can choose fear. Fear is the road of hate and anger, and boy-oh-boy does it feel good. Anger makes us feel powerful, like we can dominate anything (women, business, “them,” Nature), but it leaves us, our families, communities, and our world… well, just look around. 93% of prisoners are men, 70% of the homeless population are men. This is the road that tells us real men don’t cry. That real men don’t have emotions. That real men don’t ask for help.

Love, on the other hand, is the more difficult path. It requires vulnerability. It means allowing the boy inside of us — the tyrant, the coward, the bully, the hero — the one who wants what he wants and wants it now — to die so the man can be born. It is a return to the old ways. It is finding other men who will show us how to be men. It is initiation. It requires courage.

So which path do you choose?

…

My name is Leif Meneke. I am for men. I am for women. I am for all humans and humanity. I have supported and led men’s work and men’s groups since 2007 and I practice the Lakota way of life, which teaches us how to be more human.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***