Couples often avoid conflict both because they are uncomfortable with it and because they are not confident about their relationship repair skills and worry that repeated conflict will create more distance in the relationship. However, conflict is not generally what tears couples apart. Conflict is inevitable in any intimate relationship. The only way to avoid conflict is to avoid intimacy. How often a couple fight is not what makes or breaks a relationship, it’s how couples resolve conflict that is most important in a relationship.
When we are hurt in a relationship, there are five things we need to feel better.
First, and foremost, we need the person who has hurt us to understand our hurt feelings. Having him just repeat the story back to us doesn’t do the trick. We need him to let us know that he understands how we feel, and how his behavior has affected us. “I get that what I said to you was very hurtful and really made you question how much I care about you, and how sensitive I am to how you feel.”
After knowing that he understands how we feel, the next thing we need to know is that he cares about how we feel. This is best communicated by telling the person you’ve hurt something about how you feel about hurting her, something about your own empathic emotional response to her hurt. “It makes me feel awful when I hear how my words affected you. I hate the thought that you can’t count on knowing how I feel about you.”
Ideally, the person who hurt you would have done some reflection about what was going on with them that they behaved in such a hurtful way, then tell you something about where they were coming from, why it seemed OK to behave the way they did, what their intent was. “I think I was insensitive to you because I’ve been upset with you about something else for a while now and haven’t found a way to talk to you about it.” If you can gain some understanding for he was coming from, it helps to makes the next step more believable.
The last step is letting the person you hurt know what steps you are willing to take to avoid hurting them in this way again. This step is more believable if you’ve already let her know that you have some insight into what was going on for you. Without that, it is unlikely that you will be able to avoid repeating the same hurtful pattern. “I think if I commit to a time when we regularly check in with each other about how we are doing together as a couple, it would be easier for me to keep current with you and not hold onto resentments.
While these five steps seem relatively simple, that does not necessarily make them easy. They’ll work well when you and your partner are trying to work through fairly straight-forward issues. On the other hand, any area in which you or your partner are particularly sensitive or feel more vulnerable will be trickier. If you keep trying these steps and repeatedly end up in the same painful place, I hope you will consider getting someone to help you navigate the more challenging waters.
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