Safety Tips for the Common Man

With fall here, and summer taken its final bow, and the school year indoctrinating our children with all of the illusions and half-truths they will need to survive life, it is time to review some important practices that will help us all live longer and healthier.

1. If you smoke, quit. There are many studies suggesting smoking is addictive, dangerous, expensive, and socially unacceptable. As our climate changes and extreme temperatures become normal, do you really want to stand outside of your comfortable office building in the blinding sun dripping sweat, melting into a puddle, and quite possibly become the victim of spontaneous combustion, just to “smoke a butt?” No, of course you don’t. And in just a few short months, you will need to dress in a manner appropriate for someone who is attempting to “get the medicine through to the eskimos,” just to “light up.”

And here is the bad bit, often you don’t have any choice of who you smoke with. It might be that annoying guy from Research and Development, the guy who is always going on and on about how his parents won’t let him have a Burmese python as long as he is living in their basement, and once they “kick the ol’ bucket and the house is mine I will have whatever damn pet I want.” Man, sometimes it seems like all that guy does is smoke. Every time you go out to have a smoke, there he is talking about how sick he is of eating meatloaf, or pot roast, or baked chicken. So, quitting is a good idea.

2. Cool nighttime temperatures can cause a lot of condensation to form on the windows of your car. If you leave early for work, often you won’t be able to see out of the windshield on the front of the car, it will be so thick. Having seen enough movies involving the supernatural you know that is the perfect opportunity for an ambush. Climbing happily in your car, whistling a cheery little song, and anticipating a smoke free, joyous day on the job, you flip on the wipers, and sitting on the hood of your car is a gargoyle, or vampire, or chupacabra, or something sinister, with evil intentions, who smashes his fist, or paw, or appendage through the glass and drags your screaming, helpless body off into the morning darkness to a place that exists only for the suffering of innocent, kind people, like you, and you will never be seen again, and your car will be a mess.

The most effective countermeasure is to drive a few blocks before turning on the wipers. It is not the best idea to drive without being able to see, but it is much better than the alternative, having your disembodied soul wandering aimlessly, voicelessly throughout eternity. Seeing your wife marry someone so much more successful, and watching him win over your children with equal parts of paternal wisdom, impeccable humor, and fantastic, expensive gifts. Money grubbing, little brats, anyway.

Stay safe, keep your eyes open, and tune in tomorrow, when we discuss airline safety, the myth behind the lie.

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This post was previously published on Life Explained and is republished here with permission from the author.

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