Modern dating is an emotional minefield for everyone, yes, even a psychologist. As any adult who has found themselves single sometime over the past 12–15 years, I have turned to the solace of dating apps and websites to find a partner. Sometimes in a healthy and considered manner — with a well-articulated sense of what I want and the flexibility to realise that I will never find exactly that — and sometimes with some panic (“I am too old and will never meet anyone now”, “all the good men are taken”), worry (“what if no one wants to be with me”), loneliness, or as a response to my own boredom (Saturday night swiping anyone?), or worries about being adequate and lovable (“if enough people match with me, I must be OK”).
Navigating the perils of online dating is also something that comes up very frequently in my private practice, with both my male and female clients. Everyone seems to be confused by the process of navigating online dating, and most people are made deeply distressed by the rejection and range of behaviours we will ALL, inevitably, face.
Dating online is wonderful because it exposes us to thousands more people than we would have had the chance to meet through our normal circles, but it is also awful, because it exposes us to rejection by thousands more people than we would usually have been rejected by.
In the past, we would likely have only ever met a small handful of possible dating partners and would have been rejected by a few of them, usually with some form of personal explanation and accountability. In modern dating, we will experience micro-rejections by hundreds of people in a week (each left swipe may be experienced as a rejection) and by innumerable others who may never text after matching, may drop the conversation, may not respond to a message, may never plan a date, may stand you up on a date, may disappear after a date, may disappear after sex — and so on.
Our brains are not wired to experience and process that volume of constant and consistent rejection, and will naturally and defensively retreat into a range of lies and protective behaviours to maintain our self-esteem.
While these patterns may protect us from being hurt, they also prevent us from fully showing up with authenticity, openness and vulnerability in our search for love. And if we don’t show up, we will never find what we might be looking for. Here are some of the most common defensive behaviours and beliefs that might be holding you back in your search for love.
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“How do I know which chocolate flavour is perfect for me?”
Read: If s/he isn’t perfect, then s/he isn’t for me. You’re probably shaking your head and thinking that this is not you — because you have reasonable expectations. Perhaps — but how often have you immediately ruled someone out because you didn’t like what they were wearing, because they were too quiet or too talkative (people do odd things when nervous), because they have different hobbies to yours or because MAYBE there is someone better around the corner?
I will always remember a date I went on. Toward the end of the evening, the man I was with said that if partners were like chocolate — he had had vanilla nougat for many years (he had recently ended a very long-term relationship) — and he wasn’t sure how he might know what other flavours are out there or what the perfect flavour for him might be. I wasn’t sure what answer to give him, but I was pretty bloody certain that if he was looking wistfully at all the other chocolates in the box, he wouldn’t be satisfied with the chilli-chocolate-hazelnut I was offering (yes, that flavour does sound gross I know) and that it wouldn’t be in my best interests to stick around while he ate his way through an entire chocolate box to work out what he wanted (plus, I can sit on my own couch and eat my own damn Koko Black truffles in peace). Also — like most people would — I took offence to being compared to an object that can be consumed and discarded.
Remember that people are not chocolate, that people have multiple facets (no one is just one flavour) and that even the best thing will have flaws, yes?
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“I didn’t feel a click”.
No immediate chemistry, no go. Another common one. Chemistry lies to us all the bloody time. Sometimes we feel that zing instantly, but often — we don’t. Think Rachel and Ross (ok, I am seriously dating myself here).The point is, chemistry is a difficult one to define and we need to have some sexual attraction to a partner but this attraction CAN OFTEN GROW. Sexual attraction can’t change, but sexual attraction can be educated. Sometimes when we say sexual attraction, we really mean “a pattern I recognise” (and this can be a bad thing). Ideally, chemistry is based both on physical appearance and on the more intangible things we learn about a person as we get to know them — their kindness, sense of humour, the way their eyes sparkle in a certain light, how they look at their dog.
The thing is, you have to stick around for a while to work out whether you have chemistry beyond just the basics of “this person is hot, I want to fuck them”.
Sometimes people fall in love on a first date, but the more realistic approach is to feel some form of curiousity, connection or enjoyment and to allow time for things to develop, instead of immediately shutting things down if you don’t fall in love the first time you see them. Think about your closest friends. Did you know you would be BFFs the first time you met them? Probably not. Why is dating any different?
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“Just seeing what’s out there.”
OR — having no expectations or standards. If I had a dollar for every time I saw this on a Tinder profile, I would be able to subscribe to Tinder Platinum. If you enter the dating world with no sense of what you want at all, or if you just want to see who (not what — who — people are not THINGS) is out there, then you are unlikely to be connecting with people with intent or putting in the work you need to find something meaningful. You are likely to have a pretty average experience and will probably walk away feeling like the people out there were not worth your time, until the next time you are lonely, bored or sexually frustrated. Cue cycle repeat, and you will probably find that you become more disillusioned and have a more vapid experience each time, mediated at least partially through your own lack of engagement with the process.
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“It just petered out.”
Things will always peter out when you don’t put in the effort. Would you turn up to a job, tell them that you aren’t sure if it is your dream job, so very sorry — but that you are going to have an extra-long lunch break and come in late every day while you work it out?
If there is one evil I could pick with online dating, it is the minimal effort that people put in. A lot of this comes down to the context and structures around the dating world and technology — the sheer range of people available to meet, the number of dates you might go on, knowing that another match is always around the corner, the ease of sending a text message versus telephoning someone and the comfort of seeing someone for 30 minutes for coffee, instead of committing to a full dinner.
I am not advocating a return to the good ol’ days, where we would likely have only dated two people, gone to church dances and dinners with both of them, run the gauntlet of their parents on the first date, and married one of them — but I am suggesting that we put in at least as much effort with a date, as we do with a good (but not best) friend. We want to be interested and hopeful about the connection, to ask them questions about themselves, to communicate semi-regularly on a consistent basis (no, “WYD” at 2 am does not count), to provide thoughtful responses to questions and ask meaningful questions beyond the “how was was your day?”, take into account their preferences, to give them a reasonable chunk of our time and interest, to turn up when we say we will and to treat them with kindness. Just because someone is a face on a screen or a phone number thus far, does not make them disposable.
There is of course a time to let a connection go, and that time is after you have given it a red-hot go, spent time with someone or talked to them, and realised that fundamental incompatibilities mean that a relationship isn’t possible.
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“I’ll know what I’m looking for when I find it”.
Otherwise known as, not taking the time to define what you want. Would you approach a job hunt like this? Is your love life any less important than work?
There is a difference between “I want a man aged 44.35 years, 6-feet-tall (what is with that arbitrary height thing anyway), who works in health or publishing, has brown hair with 15% grey allowable, brews his own kombucha and kefir, smashes his avocados like I smash the patriarchy, wears flannel non-ironically, and shares the same top 10 Spotify artists as I do”, and “I want a man, ideally alive”.
If you don’t have a sense of your preferences (not a checklist though), that likely means that you are approaching dating somewhat defensively, with a lack of investment and interest — perhaps as a way of protecting yourself from the idea that you might not find what you would like.
If you invest nothing — even thought — then you don’t have to feel bad when there are no returns.
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“I want a relationship, but want to come around and fuck?”
Wanting one thing, but doing another. Pretty simple, yes? I would wager that most adults who date have been in this scenario, driven by longing, lust or loneliness. There is nothing wrong with pursuing lust ( — sex is a totally valid psychological and physiological need FYI) but remember that it is generally advisable for your behaviour to mostly be congruent with your long-term goals. If you want a solid relationship but end up sleeping with every vaguely attractive but incompatible person who slides your way, you will likely have limited energy, time and headspace needed to pursue people who may mean something, and who you may have longer-term compatibility with. This isn’t about the sex at all, but is about your emotional capacity, your time and the opportunity costs that all interactions carry. It might also be about pacing, because introducing sex very early might turn a promising connection into a friends-with-benefits situation, because of the structure of the dates and arrangement (to put it simply, if you are busy fucking, you probably aren’t dating or talking), or the disconnect between the emotional and physical intimacies you share.
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Changing these behaviours may not guarantee that you will find the love of your life but it will guarantee that you will likely find more pleasure in the connections you do form — and that you will greatly grow your capacity for self-awareness, intimacy and closeness. That can only be a good thing.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Fadi Xd on Unsplash