Setting Boundaries Still Makes Me Feel Uncomfortable

Boundaries are marketed as the feel-good thing of the year and the solution to everything: set boundaries and your life will drastically improve overnight.

The sentiment is both true and untrue.

It’s this weird dichotomy because, in your rational mind, you know you’re doing the right thing and for that reason, things feel good. You are limiting unwanted access to and prioritizing yourself.

You’re doing things because you want to and not because you feel obligated to. Yet emotionally, you feel guilty because saying a polite “no thank you” can feel like such an audacious act in a culture where everyone expects you to break your back for them (often for very little to no reward, might I add).

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When in doubt of whether we’re on the right track or not, we’re encouraged to look to our guts. After all, your gut will never fail you! In reality, when your stomach is just filled with nerves, anxiety and dread, in these instances, your gut can absolutely fail you.

Confrontations, boundaries and difficult conversations are some of the few instances in which we can’t just look to good feelings to tell us whether we’re on the right path or not.

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When you’ve cut off a toxic ex or friend but see a funny meme that makes you think of and miss them, it is extremely tempting to unblock their number, pretend like everything’s dandy and just have a giggle. But you stop yourself because you and I both know you’ll probably regret it sooner rather than later.

That’s the easiest way to explain setting boundaries.

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When I first learned about this magical way to reclaim agency, I thought I’d only have to put on my big girl pants one time for the one time, confront people and that would be it.

Foolish and naive? Perhaps.

But when you need to do something really uncomfortable, you’ll tell yourself almost anything to get through the present moment.

The first time I tried to set a hard boundary with a family member, we passed through the different stages you often encounter: first denial and resistance, then the contemplative silence, followed by the guilt-inducing ‘woe is me’ act and then finally, a gentle conceding and a willingness to change.

I was dumbfounded (to say the least) at having to address the same issue we had just discussed a mere few days later. The confrontation wasn’t any easier. It was, in some ways, harder the second time around. The demureness and willingness to change on their end had evaporated and stubbornness had replaced it.

The accompanying dread and knots in my stomach returned at the thought of having yet another difficult conversation. I wracked my brain thinking of how to be tactful, compassionate, yet firm in my delivery.

I was halfway over the shit and honestly debated whether things were even worth addressing or if it’d just be easier to grin and bear. On more than one occasion, I gave in because I was tired of talking and utilizing so much energy.

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Despite being warned that changing behavior patterns between two people is rarely fixed with one conversation, it still spun me that I would have to keep having to overcome the nervousness and discomfort. Things are rarely a one-and-done situation and unfortunately, repetition does not necessarily make things easier.

The alternative to setting boundaries with people is simply letting shit slide and seething under the surface. At least anger and resentment are easier to tackle than guilt. After all, a good bitch and maybe an aggressive exercise session will get all — or most — of the annoyance out of your body.

Guilt, on the other hand? I am yet to find some foolproof ways to get over that sensation.

It gnaws at you. It makes you question yourself. It makes you wonder whether you really are that selfish, uptight person people keep telling you that you are.

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In the moment, saying no, whether doing so outright or offering alternatives, feels terrible. Unless you can disconnect from your emotions or that of others, it never really feels easy. It just begins to feel more right.

The good thing with emotions is that in time, your rational brain starts to take over. Instead of caving to avoid the temporary discomfort, you’ll slowly get better at reminding yourself of all the reasons why you should grow a backbone.

Seeking assurance from others will help, but nothing carries as much weight as internal reassurance. You will eventually be the one that keeps replaying your pep talk and repeatedly telling yourself that you’re doing the right thing.

Do a mirror rap like Issa if you need to.

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Ultimately, if you’re looking for external signs of whether you’re doing the “right thing,” they may not necessarily be out there. Momentary feelings may not be a good indicator of whether you’re on the right track or not.

Sometimes, what it takes are a few hours or days of feeling shitty, plenty of journaling where you rationalize your actions and try to convince yourself that you’re doing what’s best for you in the long run. Eventually, peace follows. Or at least the knots leave your stomach; same thing.

I’m relatively new on this journey, so I don’t really know whether these feelings get easier to grapple with in time.

What I will say, though, is that the consequences of saying no or adjusting what you can give are not as dire as you fear.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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