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So here’s the bad news for men: We are all diseased.
Sorry. I realize that sounds not so great. But hear me out.
Our disease is sexism. If you want a rough idea of what it’s like, it’s most comparable to oral herpes—which again, sounds bad. I get it.
But the similarities between the two are pretty staggering: most people are infected with both sexism and oral herpes and think that they’re not; both diseases are highly contagious; and both arrive in unexpected flare-ups that we dismiss as anomalies. After all, there’s no way we could ever have that. We’re upstanding people whose sexual interactions have all been very above-board.
Unfortunately, both diseases were largely unavoidable for us growing up. Sexism was in our TV, adult conversations we overheard, and all over our everyday life. Everywhere we looked, women (in media and reality) were constantly off to the side cheerleading in some form, while men were constantly in positions of decision-making, and everyone from Marcia Clark to Britney Spears to every actress ever was primarily valued on the basis of sex appeal.
All of this was so commonplace, and so widely accepted, that it was impossible for you to not internalize it as normal. So regardless of how you consciously feel now, this world raised you. It molded you. It taught you how things were, and how you fit into that. Some part of that is inevitably still within you.
When I say that if you’re a man who grew up on Planet Earth, that you’re almost definitely sexist, try not to take it as an attack on your character. I’m not saying you’re a predator or a monster. I’m just saying that you’ve been infected with an annoying disease that we basically all have.
I’m no exception. Middle School Me thought the scene from American Pie where Shannon Elizabeth was secretly filmed getting changed was a piece of relatable comedic genius, and not a horrendous violation. And most of the world told me I was right.
While I don’t feel that way any more, the kid that watched that scene with a giggly boner still is the same bag of organs and bones that I am. He’s still a part of me, and the world that told him he was right is still very much out there.
The disease lives on. We’re all a little fucked up.
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Despite my outwardly progressive values, I still have flare-ups. I’m not that far removed from times where a woman would turn me down for sex, and I would sulk away like a teenager, thinking, “This is bullshit.” I still sometimes don’t listen to women like I would a man. I’ve even caught myself treating women differently based on their appearance.
So I’m not Harvey Weinstein, or Donald Trump, or your creepy Uncle Rick after five straight drinks and 85 straight Tindr rejections. Most importantly, I’m better than I was several years ago. But I am still infected. None of my sexism is ever to extreme, or conscious degrees, but it’s there, and it makes a difference. It still looks gross, and it still requires treatment.
If we want to stop sexism, I think it starts with men like me. It starts with men who have thoughts like, “I’ve never grabbed a boob I wasn’t allowed to, so I am therefore a superhero.” It starts with the men who want to be better, and want an equal world, but maybe sometimes suck at making it happen. It starts with treating our own diseases.
The good news is there is one important difference between herpes and sexism: sexism can be cured—if we hold our infection to the fire to do it. Here are the best ways to do that that I’ve found so far, on my journey to defeat my inner 13-year-old.
1. Stop Ignoring Your Cold Sores
A flare-up of sexism can come in many forms. It might look like you talking to a female coworkers chest, or man-splaining the Patriots pass rush to your nana, or that when a woman succeeds as part of your group, acting like, “Men do things. It must have been me and my handsome, brainy penis that did this.” That’s the disease.
It’s tempting when things like this happen to think, “That wasn’t reflective of who I am. It’s just a mistake I made.”
Or in other words, “That’s not herpes. That’s just a cold sore.”
But a cold sore is herpes, and your actions are who you are. Nearly all behaviors are part of a pattern, whether we decide to acknowledge it, or not. You are still infected.
So when you get a flare-up, stop dismissing it. Commit to noticing it, accepting its presence, and then addressing it. It may not be your fault that you’re infected, but you are obligated to do something about it, because come on. Nobody wants to look at that.
2. Overcompensate Until It’s a Habit
We combat sexism in the same way that we combat racism, homophobia, or any other awful baggage we’re still carrying from our childhood.
The solution is to constantly consciously overcompensate until we’ve formed a habit. This is the most important thing I’ve learned in this process, and it works.
In other words, we must work extra hard to listen to women, to over-consider what they’re saying, to aggressively give them due credit for successes. We must actively look to let women have the floor at times, which means keeping a very important question in mind: “When should I shut the fuck up a little?” We must make conscious efforts to not ogle women, instead of just saying, “I hate how women are objectified. If I say I’m against that, I must be a great guy,” before we forget how we feel, and mentally undress some poor lady on the subway.
We must force ourselves into the right actions over and over. If we’re able to do this until these become habits, then eventually these actions will become normal, and will reflect who we are inside, and out.
These have to be conscious decisions that we make as we’re living. The only way to truly see women as our equal is to walk into our interactions assuming that we don’t, and to fight the uphill battle with our inner assholes over and over until we win the war.
3. Realize This is Contagious, and Act Accordingly
We also need to realize that this disease is contagious, so that we not only stop ourselves from spreading it, but we stop others too.
This means calling others out when you see sexism occurring, and it means stepping in and taking action where you can. So essentially, it means applying massive amounts of awkward conversations to the infection.
I know it’s easier said than done. Telling somebody, “you should really be applying something on that sore on your mouth,” is super uncomfortable.
But this is what it takes to make an impact. So use what you’ve learned, prepare for the plunge into dead silences and blank stares, and offer a confused bro your bottle of Abreva.
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We’ll never be perfect. Addressing our sexism will always be an uphill, ongoing battle. Flare-ups will still occur long into our battle, and when they do, our temptation will be to ignore it, or dismiss it.
But we have a chance to end a disease in these next couple of generations, and that’s worth pursuing. And it starts with the men who want a better world right now looking into the mirror, and saying, “This looks gross. I need to fix this.”
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Will, first of all drop the arrogance in thinking that you speak for the majority of men. Secondly, that self-hatred is going to erode your mental health if you do not confront it. Just because you are male does not mean you are automatically sexist or defective, look at when you internalized that, who told you that and confront it. You feel you have a disease and made a value judgement that it’s gross. Would you tell a child that the Measles they have is gross? How about a soldier coming back from overseas who got Malaria? The language you… Read more »
Men are NOT innately defective, and I’m not saying that. We’ve been nearly universally conditioned to be defective, and that is the key difference. It’s not about self-hatred. It’s not about being born broken. It’s about seeing what society has done to us, and trying to fix it. We’ve been conditioned to feel entitled to women’s bodies, to value women on the basis of their looks, and told us to assert ourselves without clearly telling us when to stop. These are all harmful, and absolutely unnecessary to spur on procreation. Maybe they were necessary millenia ago, but they aren’t now.… Read more »
You are projecting your own thoughts and actions onto other men. Just because you are this way does not mean other men are. Do you feel entitled to a woman’s body? I certainly don’t and never have. Maybe I’m an outlier but I’ve not seen your accusations to be true in other men in my life. If both men and women have been conditioned to what we find attractive it’s due to evolution. Men have always found youth attractive for fertility reasons and women find tall muscular men attractive for security reasons. Women also find men with resources and who… Read more »