The advice you typically read is very simple. Here are the top ten reg flags in a relationship. If you see one, run.
But honestly, should we always run? Is it possible we are cutting people off way too soon?
Some people may show us truly bad signs. I will give you an example. A friend of mine was going on a first date with a guy. She called him the day of to confirm the date.
The two had said they would meet at a sushi restaurant at 6:30. But she called that afternoon to say she had to stop by a work event on her way to dinner. So she asked if they could meet at 7 instead. And he lost it. Yelled at her. Told her to get her shit together. Told her he shouldn’t have to remind her of her commitments.
Of course she was upset. Apologetic. And she tried to smooth things over. He was having none of it.
She cancelled the date and blocked his number.
I would say if a guy is yelling at you about anything before you even meet in person, yeah, go ahead and run. That is extreme. And it doesn’t sound like any fun. Sounds abusive. No thanks.
Sometimes the red flags are very clear.
But can seeing low level ‘red flags’ become an excuse to distance ourselves from true connection? Can it can become a way of avoiding the hard conversations we really need to have to bring our relationship to the next level?
But so many of the red flags we read about are vague. Or they are low level offenses. Bad relationship behavior. Undesirable habits. But not necessarily egregious offenses.
So what might be a low level offense?
Example 1: Someone who puts you on a pedestal
So you are going out with a guy and he is into you. Like really into you. He does whatever you want to do. He worships you. Compliments you. It’s all too much. It’s a red flag. For a few reasons.
One, there is nothing to do with a pedestal other than to fall off. It’s bound to end badly. Or even worse, he will keep you up there forever. There will be no balance in the relationship. No push-pull. Without that, there is no heat. Good relationships tip like scales, back and forth.
This situation is untenable, but is it fixable? Maybe. Have a conversation. Explain how you feel and what you need. See where that gets you and how things change.
Example 2: Someone who lacks trust
Take the example of a partner who seems to exhibit some bad behavior on the subject of trust. People who have experienced bad prior relationships may feel insecure in their next relationship. By no means is this an excuse for dragging the past into a current relationship. But it is understandable. Maybe.
Have the talk. Put your cards on the table. And really try to hear and understand each other. Lacking trust can be a warning sign of an overly controlling person. It is the beginning of many bad relationships. But it could be something minor that could be talked through.
Example 3: Someone who doesn’t let you truly be yourself
At the beginning of a relationship, we are often putting our best foot forward. We get dressed up, we are a little more careful, a little more polite. As we get to know each other, we should be able to relax. To act silly. To share our flaws.
When you feel criticized for letting the mask of perfection slip, it is undoubtedly a red flag.
So communicate. Say you don’t feel like you can completely be yourself. Say you feel criticized. Say you feel judged. It could be correctable. Someone who loves you will want you to be the truest version of yourself.
Many relationship experts give the advice that we need to show up fully healed and ready for a relationship. But who shows up to any relationship fully formed, fully healed and fully ready? Is that even realistic?
I heard Esther Perel on a podcast recently. She dismissed the idea of people taking long periods of time to heal and ‘find ourselves’. She said we heal within relationships.
How we relate to one another is how we get better at it. We learn by doing. We learn by making mistakes and correcting. We learn by trying. So now I feel like I am caught in a vicious cycle.
Red flags are warning signs. But they should not be the sole determining factor in ending a relationship. To have successful relationships, we need great communication.
There will be that moment of crisis. That moment where you address the thing that might end it all. You feel scared of letting go. You know this conversation might mean the end if your concern is dismissed and disregarded.
But it could be the turning point in the relationship of a lifetime. Nothing feels better than experiencing connection where you feel truly heard and understood when you show up as the truest version of yourself. Every person wants to experience that feeling.
Give yourself the chance.
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Previously Published on medium
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