There have been a lot of changes in my life since the pandemic. And the two most significant ones are the ending of my marriage and moving from earning a decent salary to becoming a freelance creative. And these changes mean two things.
One, I’m looking to start dating.
Two, I’m earning a lot less money than I used to.
But the problem is that I hadn’t realised just how much I’ve believed dating as a man relied on how much money you are able to spend.
Am I too poor to date?
The privilege of disposable income
In the “Before Times”, I’d reached a point where I was earning enough that going out was never a big issue.
I was earning good money. Not “Rich” money, by any stretch of the imagination. But definitely “Comfortable” money, by which I mean I never worried about paying my bills every month with enough left over to enjoy myself. Enough to not have to worry about having a few drinks. Enough that going out for dinner wasn’t a concern. Enough that I could happily buy tickets for a couple of shows each month.
And consequently, I never worried about being able to afford to go out on dates. Drinks, dinner and a show were always on the table. Not every night, maybe. And perhaps a big Date Night was a once or twice a month thing at most. But I never faced the worry that I could not afford to go out with someone when the opportunity arose.
But now I’m a full-time freelance creative, with the reduced and irregular income this entails. And with that, I can no longer spend money without thinking.
And, as much as I try, I find it hard to believe this doesn’t take me out of the dating pool. Surely, no one is going to want to date a man who has to count the pennies before he can agree to go out somewhere with them or who will only buy them one drink because he can’t afford any more than that.
Is it possible to date with no money as a man?
Dating and the Patriarchy
Before now, I’ve never really thought about how much money plays a part in my feeling desirable.
Yes, I’m aware that this sentence positively drips with privilege. But I don’t deny I’ve lived a relatively privileged life. But while the Patriarchal system gives to some of us without our asking, the moment you step outside that system, it’s more than ready to punish us.
I’ve never demanded to be the “breadwinner” in my relationships while my partners stayed at home. But that’s not how the Patriarchy gets you. It’s far more subtle than that. I would never have wanted to be in a relationship where I paid for everything.
Deep down, being the one who paid for things made me feel good.
Our desirability as a romantic and sexual partner can be incredibly subjective. But money isn’t. Money, and the things it can get, is a measurable fact. And so, even if we can’t see what someone sees in us in regarded to appearance or personality, our bank balance is something tangible. We have the provable means to provide.
Looking back, I can see that even when it annoyed me that I had to pay more than my partner for some reason, being able to do so made me feel good. It reinforced this internalised masculine ideal. It made me “Feel Like A Man”.
But hey, these are my problems, right? If I feel so insecure about myself as a person that I believe no one will want to date me without my being able to pay for it, that’s my issue to deal with.
But the problem is, it’s not just me who has this problem. And it’s not just other men, either.
The thing about the Patriarchy is that it is, ironically, a gender-neutral employer.
Ladies, you’re as guilty as anyone for reinforcing the idea that men should be “the provider” as anyone else.
Don’t believe me? Sign up for any dating app. I promise you that in hardly any time at all, you’ll see something along the lines of “Looking for a gentleman who’ll treat me like a lady” or some other phrase that essentially translates to “I expect a man to take me out and spoil me”. And that’s not even touching on the various ways apps invite you to “jump the queue” by paying to get more views on your profile. Essentially, proving your worth by spending money.
And it’s often not even that subtle. In preparation for this article, I did some online research that took me to question and answer sights like Quora and Reddit. And boy, are there people in the world — of all genders — who are incredibly judgemental about grown men without money.
The prejudices that was don’t even see
Before anyone gets angry at me, I’m not claiming women are gold-diggers who refuse to date men who can’t afford to pay for everything.
Ultimately, I’m far happier now I’m freelance and earning less money. I’d also rather be single my whole life than with someone who was only with me because of income. And, most importantly, I know full well that any woman I would want to date wouldn’t care less about me earning less money than them. Or no money at all.
No. The problem is how much this prejudice had been effecting me — and holding me back from throwing myself into the dating world — without my even realising it.
We live in a Capitalist society. That’s not something we can avoid. And so we’ve been raised, even if we don’t realise it, to equate wealth with worth. And combine that with the Patriarchy, and it’s easy to see why so many man come to equate their worth with their wealth (or lack of).
This is my problem to figure out. But I wanted to share it, because I’m fairly confident there are a lot of men out there who have the same, unseen biases holding them back. And a lot of women unconsciously reenforcing those beliefs.
Yes, money is important. I’m not out here saying that we should all stop caring about it full stop. (I am, that would be great, but it’s not a realistic possibility in the world we live in). What I am saying is that it’s healthy for us all to take a step back and consciously look at how much we’re confusing “wealth” and “worth” in our lives, and addressing the problems this creates.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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