Stop Expecting Everyone Else To Think Like You

Deep down in my heart, I truly believe the world is a wonderful place. My view of the world has always been through rose-colored glasses. I try to focus on the positive qualities of people and expect they’d see the same in me. And why not, in my eyes I’m not difficult to please, nor am I unreasonably demanding, I think. A small token of affection would easily blast me to the moon.

I don’t get it. Why is it so difficult for people to be nice? What are the universal qualities of a kind, decent human being? Now if I ask that question, each of us would likely come up with a long list of character traits we deemed worthy. But wait, could it be that those traits are what we expect to see in others? Do not forget that perception differs among people. So who’s right?

I used to create a mental image of others in my head and expect them to live up to it. When they fail, I’d naturally become disappointed. My expectations set an attachment towards a specific outcome and if the result is not what I’ve expected, I can end up spending days in the disconsolate environs of a great gloomy forest. What went wrong?

Humans are irrational beings. Cognitive biases affect our judgments. While each of us has our views and opinions, unrealistically we expect others to agree with us. And herein lies the problem.

I’m the protagonist in my story, which means my perceptions of everything comes from only one perspective — my own. For a long time, I had wanted to meet that one person who can fulfill all my conditions. They called him Prince Charming. In my mind, the whole idea seemed fair. It took me a while to realize that no one can successfully look through the same lens as mine. My viewpoint is not necessarily that of others. The things I feel important are not the same things that another feels important. Looking to another person to fulfill my life and to make me happy on my terms is an endless chase that will eventually lead to a slow, painful death. Life almost never match up to the fairytale I created in my mind.

Handle your own issues

Too often I cling to people who don’t want to stay because it’s hard for me to let them go. I tend to grasp on tightly to the expectations I set of myself, of others, and of our circumstances. In my heart I knew, but under the spell of the ego, my mind held on tightly. Shaping expectations and narratives around other people is damaging because it keeps us from seeing and experiencing the reality of our connection. Forcing the situation only made me more miserable. Giving others the freedom to change means loosening my grip enough to move fluidly through the thoughts, judgements, and expectations of life. I can then focus on those who choose to stay, those who have my best interest at heart.

It’s inevitable that some days I’ll need to fight my battles alone and it requires every bit of strength to step forward and to continue on. Many times I ended up broken and defeated. Regardless of who or what was the cause, healing my wound is definitely my responsibility. Any unrealistic expectations at this point are often unsustainable, and I should not expect others to address it. It’s so easy to take the juvenile step of becoming the blame gamer for my misery. Creating a future I desire is almost always in my hands.

I’ve encountered major difficulties in life and to some extent, I’ve allowed it. A problem is only a problem when it is viewed from that angle. I made the mistake of immediately expecting those around me to come to my rescue. I mean, why not? If they care for me, they should bail me out, right? By doing that, I unconsciously gave my power away and became a victim to my circumstances because I agreed I was not capable of handling my own issues.

While anyone can suggest potential solutions, the moment I take action, it becomes my decision. It’s not okay to blame others when their suggestions did not solve my problems. I’ve allowed them to tell me what to do instead of learning to follow my inner compass. What I should have done was to review the options and own my situation.

Unbeknownst to me, my negative emotions were the result of my expectations of how others should behave. I should have evaluated what I wanted and why I wanted it. The desire and the passion must come from within. Nobody else can effectively do that for me.

Stop relying on others

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned was when I attempted to do something good to earn people’s gratitude. I’d expect them to acknowledge my deed so I’ll feel good about myself. By doing that, I’m dangerously setting myself up for disappointment.

I’ve seen similar conditions in my interaction with others. Why do we do something for others in the hope that they would return a favor? If it reciprocates, fine and well, but if it doesn’t, we shouldn’t feel upset because we willingly offered ourselves to help. Wouldn’t we rather do it because it’s right and that we feel good about it? Regardless of whether someone returns the favor, it should be a gift, an act of benevolence and not a debt.

Having expectations of how others should respond was causing me unnecessary pain and misery. No one has walked in my shoes, or lived a day of my life. My unique experiences formed my view, and it’s completely different from everyone else. Some may relate while others may not get what I’m trying to convey. Some may even offend me in the process.

Silly old me. I did not realize I spent days sulking, expecting someone to apologize or take notice of me. I wasted a lot of time and energy in expectation. At one point, I have to smack myself upside the head to remind me to get over it and not wait for an apology I may never get.

Sure it can be painful as hell to know that others don’t live up to what I’d expect of them. I’ll admit at times I’ve asked a lot and it’s reassuring to have those I know I can rely on for support, love, and guidance. But continuously relying on others to save me is a sure-fire way to live in constant, repetitive misery. People do not remain the same and I shouldn’t expect them to.

Expectation is a dead-end game

Confident people believe in themselves. They do not require validation or approval from others. We should stop taking for granted that others are like us on the inside. Stop expecting and assuming that what’s going on in their head is exactly like what’s going on in ours because that’s just not true. That assumption will only hurt our self-esteem when what we’re thinking doesn’t happen.

I shouldn’t expect anyone to be anything. Expectations are often unrealistic and it undermines my happiness. I have zero control over how someone thinks, feels, or reacts, and I refuse to get knocked sideways when people’s actions don’t measure up to mine.

An expectation is a dead-end game while acceptance opens up to fresh possibilities. Life won’t always be fair and we shouldn’t expect it to be so. When I loosen my grip, I noticed that the world is still in one piece and life still turned out okay. We are all better off just accepting each other as is.

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Previously Published on medium

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