Subjective Is the Only Objective in Intimate Relationships

We all want to be right in our relationships. Often, it is important for us to “win” arguments. Sometimes, this stems from what Terry Real calls Psychological Patriarchy, where we separate the masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves and position the masculine over the feminine. Such a division leads to a scarcity mentality in relationships and encourages competition and a hierarchical, right-and-wrong interaction. This leads to a relational culture where only one partner can be “right,” with only one “objective” truth to the relationship.

But unless you are the police, a lawyer, or a judge, who cares if it is right or wrong? Who cares about the small details? It doesn’t really matter. In intimate relationships, the objective truth is not relevant. It is the subjective experience that matters. Why?

Because in every relationship, there are two people (subjects) who experience the world and the relational dynamic differently. And in a differentiated relationship, we aim for a “two-narrative” interdependent relationship, where both voices are heard. A mature relationship becomes a synergetic third that is bigger than the two subjective experiences.

This is especially relevant when discussing the past: What happened? Who said what? Who promised what? Who did what?

In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), there is a famous presupposition: “The map is not the territory.” We don’t so much react to reality as to our subjective map of reality with its distortions, abstractions, and manipulations. As a consequence, there is no single “real objective” memory.

When both of you are arguing about what really happened, you’re heading down a dead end. Each partner can look at the same event and have a completely different interpretation and experience. Thus the most relevant answer to the question “What exactly happened?” is “Who cares?”

How do you shift from a “one objective” relationship to a “two subjective” relationship?

What is most important is being heard, seen, felt, and respected by the other. That is what builds intimate relationships, not a battle for the truth.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Who cares whether it was on Tuesday or Wednesday? Who cares? What is this really about?

1. Reflect and choose to believe that the subjective (experience, feelings, emotion) is what really matters in relationships.

Details give a bearing, but what really matters are values, needs, feelings, vision, relationships, life, love, creativity, and play. Remember that.

2. Playfully go one down.

When you find yourself fighting uselessly with your partner about who is right, swallow your ego and share from a vulnerable place (which is called one down in psychotherapy): “You know what? I understand how you saw it, but from my personal experience, this is how I saw it.” Instead of arguing over your partner’s perception of reality (which will never work), focus instead on how you experienced it. Usually, this will help both of you to move on and focus on what really matters.

3. Agree to disagree.

In most cases, there is no need to decide on one “official” objective narrative. So agree to disagree regarding the details, as long as you dare to dive deeper into the emotional crucible of the relationship.

4. What is the emotional bid here?

Emotional bids are the emotional themes underneath the concrete, factual conversation. Try to shift the conversation to the emotional layer of this dispute.

5. What’s the archetypal level?

There are three levels to every narrative: the logistical, the emotional, and the archetypal (learn more about the different layers of a story here). What is this argument really about? Food? Date night? What does food mean to you? What does being fed mean to you? Maybe it’s about being seen? Or about the power dynamics in your relationship.

Try to listen, express, and relate to the deeper dimensions of the dispute. Just by staying close and discussing those deeper layers of the argument, even without reaching a consensus or decision, you will bring more intimacy and closeness to your dyad.

Remember that the past can be stored and imagined in many different ways. So choose to focus more on the feeling, values, and dreams of each partner and let go of the little details as well as the need to be right.

After all, life is what happens while you are busy arguing about details. Subjective is the only real objective in intimate relationships.

References

Knight, S. (2002). NLP at work: the difference that makes the difference in business. London, UK: Nicholas Brealey.

Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the intimacy Gap between Men and Women. New York, NY: Scribner.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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