Not to drag a perfectly innocent and wonderfully conceptualized film through the mud, but I’m about to relate it to a bit of personal sh*t, and this sh*t is dirty… hence the mud dragging.
You should also note that I’m not a licensed professional. Always seek a practitioner if you’re looking for a formal diagnosis, etc. The research and consulting that I’ve done stems from my personal experience and my newfound desire to resolve the issues that have plagued me as a result of these experiences.
Imagine this: you make your way to your local memory chop shop where they slice away some of the funky little recollections that pester you to no end. The ones that cause you to loudly emote all over yourself. The ones that lead to self-doubt and even to self-sabotage. The ones that trap you in an endless loop of negative delusion while simultaneously making you question your very existence. Oh, yeah… The thought of ‘Sunshine on the Spotlessing’ seems like pure, unadulterated gloriousness, doesn’t it?
Sidenote: I will be coining ‘Sunshine on the Spotlessing,’ unless Charlie Kaufman himself decides to find me while I’m, say, loading the trunk of my car in an empty-ish parking lot and shank me mercilessly for said coinage. (They’ll know it’s you, Kaufman! They’ll now know it’s you. 👀)
Eradicating those negative memories, and/or thoughts, and/or patterns of thought, and/or the embarrassing reminder of that time that you forgot to wear deodorant and then ran around in the summer sun with total abandon not thinking of the long-term consequences, seems pretty preferable. But I speak now of more serious rememberings.
There was a relatively short segment of my life (although it felt like a f*cking lifetime) that I wouldn’t mind erasing. It caused such lasting damage that it has literally taken ten years to begin to recover. Granted, it might have taken less had I not also been thrown autism-shaped monkey wrenches, but that’s another tale that I keep promising to tell and will… I promise.
We were really only “together” on and off for two-and-a-halfish years, the ex and I. Tumultuous start + unexpected pregnancy + tumultuous end = too-EFFIN-multuous. But there were always the signs — those blood-colored flags waving around in my face, smacking me with reckless abandon. I’d just bat them away like the little ‘skeeters I perceived them to be.
I would tell those skeets, “Don’t you know I one-hundred-and-fifty-percent desire to get absolutely wrecked by an absolute demonic right now?! Begone you well-meaning little pests!” And they said, “M’kay. We’ll begone, b*tch.” And they left. Left me to be chained to my self-built Newel to learn my lesson… and lessons I did learn. Not just one. Many. I also learned about what diagnosable narcissism might look like.
…
I know you might be thinking, “Oh, jeez… here goes another chick talking about her ex.” Or, you might say, “There she goes throwin’ that narc buzzword around.” I would normally be on board with you, but this dude? Was an actual problem. Let me present to you the checklist! Okay, well not the only one in existence, but one that’s vibrant and makes linking your personal catastrophe to a bunch of checkboxes a bit more upbeat, or manageable, or something. Let’s just say that almost ALL of these little boxes were marked with angry black ink when I completed it, but it still looked cheery, so…win-win!
We can all exhibit narcissistic characteristics at times, vacillating between being slightly more self-involved and slightly less. However, I am referring to an actual fracture of sorts (this is how I see it), most likely brought on by events or moldings early in life — Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Now, there are various subcategories (malignant, covert/vulnerable, grandiose, etc.), which I won’t delve into, each presenting in a particular way, and I also won’t delve into why I might have fallen for someone checking so many of these boxes, but a general overview of the disorder goes a little something like this:
Of course, you or the person you’re dealing with could have any of the other multitude of borderline personality disorders, a disorder classified in another cluster, or just be a straight-up dick, but if something actually feels off, if you’ve been destroyed on an emotional and/or physical level, and feel confused as to the progression of said emotional and physical destruction (usually within a shortish period of time…), then you might want to evaluate and speak with a professional alone and/or with your partner about NPD.
…
Things Not to Forget When Meeting or Dealing with a Potentially Diagnosable Narcissist/Toxic Partner
If you are seriously considering that you might have a “real one” on your hands, here are some things I suggest you incorporate or pay attention to when dealing with them (while you wait for that much-needed therapy appointment, of course).
- Always follow your intuition.
That kick in your gut or the icky feeling you get? Always. Follow. That. I remember when we first started “hanging out.” There was this weird moment during an interaction when I suddenly got completely wigged by something he said — by the vibe he gave off.
I literally felt like prey. 👀 The fear inside me rose up so strongly, yet I thought, “Chill girl. You guuud.” I should not have chilled and I was definitely not guuud. I pushed the feeling down (like many of us do when our intuition pipes up and we’re not feeling too confident about the messaging), but I should have listened. Something wasn’t right. That’s the only clarification we should need. Period. - Listen to their words… because they often don’t make f*cking sense!
They lie. They manipulate the truth. They obfuscate. They try to distract. They redirect blame. They f*cking word salad. They DOUBLY f*cking gaslight. Oh, and if you call them on their inconsistencies (even mild mannerly)? They might rage and go all Christian Bale on your unsuspecting Director-of-Photography behind.
QUESTION THEM. They don’t like it, so be warned, but this may provide you with the between-the-lines you need. Now, I’m not talking about just harassing/nagging your person unnecessarily. I’m talking about when things don’t add up and continue not adding up. I’m talking about when they put you in a state of pure confusion about simple asks. When sh*t smells off, it might just be putrid, you know? Also, always remain safe. A malignant narc is not someone you want to readily poke. That kind of bear is a particularly potent breed of powder keg. - Test the ownership/responsibility waters!
This ties into listening to their words (check out Dr. Ramani’s gaslighting/blame-shifting video linked here). If you notice that a person does not take responsibility for their actions ever? That’s a flag. Now, I’m not talking about miscommunication. We can all be guilty of that… It could be a warning sign if their response is often atypical — like a person who hardly ever accepts responsibility for their actions unless a disingenuous apology serves a purpose of theirs (a strategy used to get back into your good graces, etc.).
If you feel a complete lack of ownership on their part, or they deflect back onto you, or they make an excuse (these can be nonsensical, as well…) for even the smallest transgression, or they don’t seem to fully exhibit an empathetic response unless mimicking yours or being led by others? This might be a f*cking fliggity-flag. - ‘Roid rage, no ‘roids.
Are you dealing with a zero-to-one-hundred-in-under-fifteen-second type? Are you confused by the level and speed of escalation? The drama from absolutely nowhere? It could just be an anger condition, but maybe it’s something else. Now, I’m not saying you don’t rise to the occasion. It’s kind of hard not to question someone who behaves so questionably (especially if you can be a bit black-and-white in your thinking, like me). Regardless, you’re found at fault, even if the reasoning doesn’t make a lick of logical sense. This might be a flipping flag if it’s happening on the regular. It can potentially be a response to being called out or questioned or even a diversionary tactic. A baiting can also occur. And like the good little fish you are, you bite. Damn juicy-looking bait worms! - Don’t go believing all of their negative hype.
Sadly, it’s often easier to believe a negative comment from a loved one, than a positive one from the self. And, I’m not talking about constructive feedback, or the “babes, could you not immasculate me in front of the homies,” talk. I’m referring to an individual who tears you down subtly (or not so subtly) in an effort to make you feel small. They might bring up the ways in which others are “better than you,” or how they think you’re lacking. This can be a long, drawn out process that leads you slowly to the slaughter of your own self confidence. They do this most likely for a few reasons, but mainly because they must make you less than so that they can continue to be just that… less than human! 😈 - A bit excessive, don’t you think?
It might be a real red one if they do sh*t in excess… Drink, drug, lie, cheat, steal, cheat… lie about that and then lie about you doing the thing they were actually doing… and then probably excess some more, and then rage at you when you show concern. It is typical for those of the narc persuasion to indulge, and while not totally or solely indicative, definitely something to pay attention to. - If people start distancing themselves from you… get the why.
A true narc will most likely try to isolate you (once again, there exist subcategories and tactics that each subcategory might utilize). They might attempt to turn those closest against you. They can be very charming and persuasive. They will outright lie or bend truths and make themselves the victims. To your friends, your family, your neighbors, your co-workers… To anyone who will listen and feed their supply. If you notice people starting to retreat, ask them why (while not in the presence of the potentially problematic person). Be point blank. Find out the reason(s) they might suddenly be wary of you.
We often let things fall apart with other people before genuinely discussing them, but if you notice a broader pattern that doesn’t make sense? It probably doesn’t make sense. Or, you could really smell bad. In either case, it’s good to know. - Beware of the too-good-to-be-truers.
I was promised a “someone” who did not exist (feel free to look up love bombing). I wasn’t all that interested, focused on other things, but he poured a bit into my empty cup. When I finally succumbed to the drank, I was too tipsy to drive away. And I eventually was driven into a thick tree made of pure depression, anxiety, and a deeper level of insecurity.
People often put their best foot forward when trying to make a good impression, but this is beyond. If they always follow your lead and seem to feel exactly as you do (mimicking) and you feel as if you’re connected via an invisible pure love cord that formed real, real quick, this might be a flag. Now, it could be that you found a soul just as unique as yours, but if the temperature of the cord changes just as quickly as it was formed (i.e. after you believe you’ve fallen for them or bitten the juicy worm on their hook) then that might be a flag. - Keep the ‘ceipts!
Keep the proof of your interactions. Not to prove to others, although you never know… But for your personal evaluation. To prove to yourself what you might believe but won’t allow yourself to fully. Even record a conversation/argument you have and transcribe it later. Once again, this is just for you or even your therapist if you decide to see a couples counselor for example. Read that transcription without all the “drama” and emotion of the moment attached. What do the words really say? Are they just as confusing? Do you see any patterns, any falsehoods within the same convo? What do you see about yourself as well? Obviously, stay safe and don’t antagonize if you’re dealing with someone more than verbally violent. - Finally, if you haven’t followed points #1–9, remember this — there will always be options and there will always be help.
You’ve got options. They may not fall at your feet all at the same time when you want, but the right one will fall straight into your love cart when you begin to truly give a sh*t about yourself first. You’ll draw in a decent human who won’t be out to destroy your basic fiber because they themselves were wrecked early in their humanhood. At the very least, you’ll trust yourself when you get those icky vibes and walk the f*ck in the other direction as fast as your little toothpicks’ll take you.
And, always know that you can find help. You may have to scour and scrape, but if you make the first move and reach out, you’ll most likely find another who has experienced what you’re experiencing or someone who can counsel you.
Making Peace With the Experiences You Wish to Forget (a.k.a. Not SotS-ing)
Now, I admit — it might be a bit easier for me to go on this healing journey, given my baby daddy is not the “present” kind. He was/is the “always liked to pretend he was/is the father/human he never was/is” kind. The “always blaming the ex” kind (I’m assuming he does that to me as well…sigh). He’s the “I’m going to create a story that I like to regurgitate about hiring a P.I. to find me even though I’ve had the same two phone numbers since I’ve known him,” kind. I was responsible for reaching out, but I stopped. I was the orchestrator of time spent with his child, even when I moved hours away (partly because he ghosted his son a.k.a. his only childcare while I worked and was finding new work). I stopped that. And then all communication ceased.
Okay, I’m ranting a bit here as I’m finally airing my side in the breeze, but the main lesson is that I’ll never make a grown person act their grown-ass age…again. Neither should you.
Mini rant aside, all the horrible sh*t I’ve experienced with the ex that I’ve intentionally left out of this post, and all of the stories I’ve genuinely wished to erase… well, without those debilitating, earth-shattering, tear-extracting, fear-inducing, crazy-making memories, I might not be confident enough to trust my discernment when it comes to the well-meaning vs. the not-so-well-meaning. I might have continued to fall for those who treated me the same as I’d always been treated. Not saying that they won’t try or tempt me, but that I have a STRONG ASS reference point now for what may happen if I ignore the flags.
I might have continued to turn blind to the fact that my self-fulfilling prophecies and the beliefs they were built upon were chipping away at me. I might have continued to work my way into situations that “situation the same” as I’ve been used to.
Sometimes we’re so hard-wedged in what’s wrong for us, that we must experience the absolute opposite of what we genuinely deserve in order to break us free.
That statement sucks, but it might be true ultimately — even if you don’t feel this now, or not for a long while. Even if you rage at me or curse my name. I’m not victim blaming, by any means. Just trying to take responsibility for my part. It must resonate at some point because we must learn something, otherwise it will all have been for naught, right?
You might have to acknowledge that you are hiding from something much more painful than that one particular person, and that’s when the deeper and more necessary work can begin.
After grieving the time lost or the wounds acquired you might begin to accept that what was done to you is not who you are, but who they made you believe you were. You were you before them. Always remember that. Now, you might be a slightly (or very) different you, but you will always come back to yourself. If you allow it. That was a lot of second-person pro-nouning, but it follows, no?
If you genuinely feel as if you are a victim of narcissistic (or any type of) abuse, please reach out. To (most) anyone. Find a professional to work alongside you — to help you work through your experiences, to aid in your transition into a better situation, or to just hear you out. Trust yourself and that rumbling instinctual gut.
And maybe don’t Sunshine on the Spotless after all? Those memories might serve as valuable guideposts reminding you to avoid similar ‘skeeters or fish hooks in the future.
A few finds on narcissism and toxic relationships:
Narcissistic personality disorder: Symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment
What are the traits of narcissistic personality disorder? Learn about the noticeable symptoms and how to get help for…
www.medicalnewstoday.com
Narcissistic Abuse Red Flags Checklist
These red flags in one’s behavior could be a warning sign of their capacity to engage in the cruelty of narcissistic…
www.psychologytoday.com
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/7-signs-of-a-toxic-relationship-how-to-get-out-of-it/
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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