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This is a tale of two recent dates. Both men are attractive, interesting, and interested in me.
The first date is at the local science museum on a Thursday night. We wander around the museum playing with various exhibits. We talk about his recent relationship, what we do, who we’re trying to become. After half an hour of exploration, he gently puts his arm around my waist to navigate me through the crowd. I lean in. Later, while we listen to a lecture on physics, he plays with my hair. I lean in and smile. We wander around hand-in-hand for a bit, then go outside to explore more exhibits. It’s a chilly night, and the stars are out. We stop, face each other, he pauses briefly to look at me, and leans in to kiss me. I lean in and kiss back.
For the rest of the lunch part of my brain is occupied with trying to find a “good” reason to tell him why I don’t want to kiss him again.
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Two weeks later another guy, another first date. We meet for lunch at an upscale restaurant. It’s midday in a bustling restaurant, and I’m in get-to-know-you mode. We talk about our childhoods, what we’ve learned, what we want to accomplish with our lives. We have a lot in common, but I’m not feeling any desire for physical intimacy in that moment. During the lunch he leans over and kisses me. Long kisses. Three times. Each time, I don’t know how to get out of it without making a scene. Do I pull away? That seems awkward and unkind. He’s a nice guy. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to make me feel the way he does. But I feel trapped each time he kisses me. I allow it for a few seconds, then pull away.
For the rest of the lunch part of my brain is occupied with trying to find a “good” reason to tell him why I don’t want to kiss him again. After lunch he’s walking me to my car and leans in for yet another kiss. Finally, I come up with a reason. I tell him that it’s too bright and busy, just not the right environment for me. He understands, and we say goodbye with a vague plan to get together soon. On my drive home, I wonder why, in spite of our excellent conversation, I don’t want to see him again.
I’m at a class on how to be a more intuitive in romance (oh, irony!). I do a couple of exercises with a man, and it’s clear that we both feel a connection. I’m interested in exploring the connection but not ready to commit to any further contact yet. After the class, a group of us stand outside talking, and I can feel his desperation to connect. He and I say goodbye, then he holds me in a hug that is so long and uncomfortable, my arms drop to my sides. I stand there stiffly in his vise-like grip, waiting for it to end. When he doesn’t let go, I feel the need to weakly put my arms back around him because otherwise it just seems too damn awkward. (There’s that word again!) After that, I move away from him as quickly as possible and beat a hasty retreat to my car.
In both of these last two situations, I was frustrated and angry. Angry with him for having zero understanding of what I wanted. Then, angry with myself because every time my physical boundaries are crossed, and I don’t say something, I feel like a coward.
I don’t want to be a victim. I want to be in complete command of my own body and its desires. I want to be that woman who can, in any moment, say what she wants and doesn’t want. I’m working on it.
While I’m working on finding my voice, I also want men to work on creating space for my voice.
I don’t want to be a victim. I want to be in complete command of my own body and its desires.
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I almost hesitate to use the word “consent” here because consent has gotten a bad rap as a mechanistic, legalistic obtaining of permission to touch someone. Super PC, super unsexy. But to me, consent means showing me that you care just as much about my desire as you care about your own.
Men may rightly ask “OK, fine, but WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Tell us exactly what to do!”
You can get her consent non-verbally if you’re really confident in your intuition skills. The stakes are high, so be honest with yourself. Understanding non-verbal consent requires exercising emotional muscles that have probably atrophied because we expect “real” men to go out and conquer, not consider someone else’s feelings. (That’s a woman’s job.) Do you see a look in her eye or a genuine smile on her face that says, ”Yes, I want to kiss you,” or “Yes, I’d like to get closer to you”? When you touch her arm or the small of her back, does she lean in? That’s a “Hell, yes.” Does she stiffen or move away? That’s a “Hell, no.” When you’re alone together, she’s half-undressed, and you’re really turned on, take a minute to focus on her. Do her face and body say, “Hell, yes”? Or are you hoping/praying/assuming that anything less than no means yes, and you’re sure that even if she’s not totally into it yet, she’ll get around to enjoying it once you’re doing it? Woman tip: that’s a far less likely outcome than regret.
If you’re not sure from nonverbal cues that she’s a “Hell, yes,” don’t guess; ask. Getting explicit consent can be really sexy. It’s called dirty talk. “You look so gorgeous right now, can I [insert act here] you?” whispered seductively in her ear. The best first romantic experience I’ve had recently was a guy asking me at each stage of engagement what I liked, and thanking me when I told him I didn’t like something he was doing. Hot!
Give the woman a chance to express her own desires instead of imposing your desires on her and assuming she’s down because you are.
There’s a scene in the movie Hitch where Will Smith teaches his dating student, Albert, how to kiss a woman:
Hitch: See, this is what most guys do. They rush in to take the kiss. But you’re not most guys. The secret to a kiss is to go 90% of the way and then hold.
Albert: For how long?
Hitch: As long as it takes for her to come the other 10.
We’ve all got some work to do here. I want to be a woman who can tell a man what she wants and needs. And I want a man who can manage his own desire enough to give me the space to do that.
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Yes boys, that’s right. AS LONG AS IT TAKES. And you need to be ok with the possibility that sometimes it will be never , that just because you’ve ended up in a seemingly romantic moment with a woman, it doesn’t mean that she wants what you want. She gets to decide every step of the way whether she wants to continue or not.
Consider applying Hitch’s 90/10 rule to all aspects of romance (or even 80/20 or 70/30). Put forward some of your desire, then watch and listen for her response. If you want a “Hell, yes” partner (and we hope you do!), encourage her voice, don’t suppress it with the forward motion of your desire.
We’ve all got some work to do here. I want to be a woman who can tell a man what she wants and needs. And I want a man who can manage his own desire enough to give me the space to do that.
Deal?
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Post-script: The new improved me decided to have an honest conversation with Date #2 about my discomfort with the lunch kissing. I called him a few days later and asked him what he was thinking before he kissed me each time. He said he wanted to kiss me, and because he thought I had enjoyed kissing him at the party he assumed that the connection was still present. I told him that for me, the connection hadn’t been so strong at the party that I was ready to roll straight into something. We talked more about each of our assumptions and expectations. He understood where I was coming from, and that he could do a better job of feeling into a situation and waiting to see if there was reciprocity or not. I really appreciated him engaging in honest conversation with me, and it left me more open to a future date. Progress!
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A version of this post was originally published on Medium.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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