After a long and difficult day, I let out a deep exhale to let it go. My car’s window is partially open and I hear this song in the parking lot’s ambient speakers. “The First Cut is the Deepest” by Sheryl Crow.
A girlfriend on the way to our breakup said this to me many years ago.
I was young and arrogant, so I missed the truth she was seeking to convey.
I hurt her.
Not in what I did, but what I didn’t do through the unintentional mishandling of her heart.
The many ways I failed to show up, hiding behind masks that shielded us both from the intimacy we wanted.
I was safe and alone. She was let down and sad. We were done.
We do cut each other. It’s human. We can’t help it and it fucking hurts, but we keep coming back to each other because life isn’t meant to be done alone, at least not forever.
Now, a decade later, I’ve spent my nights, nose down submerged into hundreds of consumed books, countless 3, 10 & 12-step meetings, confessions, prayers, a sweat lodge, and I’m pretty sure a ceremony involving antlers and incense.
I traveled far and wide, seeking to find the man I sensed inside me. It was the joy of listening to trusted circles of women and being guided by the power of feminine energy that led me to a few discoveries.
Ladies, there are some things you really need to know, however, if you want to be heard.
1. Get his full attention.
If you don’t have our attention, we hear you, but don’t really listen and therefore we have difficulty responding or being engaged.
This causes all kinds of conflict because we appear not caring and you get angry at us when the opposite is actually true.
The guy gets defensive when in reality, he’s just distracted.
2. Choose your timing wisely.
You can tell a guy just about anything and he’ll remain calm and collected provided your timing is right.
When we’re stressed, we want usually two things.
- To be left alone (i.e. the man cave) or…
- To just be WITH you quietly.
Occasionally, if a guy feels safe around you, he’ll want to tell you his stresses but only to share, not to be fixed. Choose your timing wisely.
3. Give us only the facts.
Yes, I realize that all the back story can be fun and engaging to your girlfriends, but we find it burdensome.
We are creatures of action and want to know only a few things about how the story relates to us, if you’re safe or how else we’re involved.
To drown him in story turns most guys off. Save the chatter for girls-night-out.
4. Frame your story with context.
My girlfriend regularly launches into a story and I have NO clue what she’s talking about. She’ll string parts of previous conversations together from various dialogue and I sit there in confusion wondering what she’s referencing.
“What?” she says, wondering why I have a dumbfounded look on my face.
“Can I get some context please?” I’ll say politely, wanting to hear more but not knowing what we’re talking about.
We laugh it off and figure it out, but it slows us down and could cause breakdown with your guy.
Pull him into your share with framing the conversation, especially if it’s a subject you’ve already discussed or are changing subjects.
5. Tell us clearly what you want, need and/or expect.
The entire time you’re talking, we’re looking for the little buried signs of trouble, where we need to jump in and protect, provide, or spring in to some kind of action.
We are, by nature, fixers and most guys will offer suggestions immediately to help solve your problem and feel valuable to his woman.
While there is a growing group of conscious men that have done some serious work (or therapy) on how to listen and ask clarifying questions, most guys will just zone out unless you tell us what you want, need or expect. Be clear!
6. The best way: Distract him with another activity.
That’s right, distraction.
Invite us into another activity that is NOT a lets-sit-down-face-to-face and talk. This scares us.
We’re waiting for the shoe to drop, we’re wondering why it’s so serious, we feel scolded or in trouble.
Want a guy to listen? Have an activity, any activity that keeps you both engaged and the attention on you both collectively such as a project, gardening, a walk (perfect!), a craft, and exercise are all great options.
Hint — if it’s exercising or a sport, let him critique your moves. It makes us feel relevant, strong, and important to you.
Date night is the best!
Like so many men, we cherish our relationships and even regret the ones where we just weren’t ready for commitment or lacked the emotional intelligence to propel the relationship forward.
Now, I listen to Sheryl Crow’s song with a different meaning.
This time, I know I’ll hurt others because I’m human and this time, I’ll make amends quickly.
I’ll look deeply into the eyes of the other and truly connect.
I’ll speak my truth with humility and love.
I won’t look away, I won’t hide.
I’ll be a source of healing and help others and keep showing up with all my silly flaws and eccentricities.
The first cut IS the deepest. It’s also the wound that heals and grows us so, so much so that we can return to do it again.
Love each other, as awkward and as painful as it may be.
~Robin
♥️ My newest novel 📖 Slave To Your Grind, a two part, full length contemporary romance available June 2021 at: linktr.ee/robinreed 👈
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: by Christin Hume on Unsplash