The Anxious Mind During No Contact: Respond Properly

By now, you should know what no contact is, but for those who need an overview, we will run through it quickly.

We have all experienced the turmoil of a breakup, but what no one tells you is that your reaction to the breakup can carry more weight than the moment it happens.

No, we don’t want the on-and-off relationship, but if you want to have any hope of reviving the relationship, then the moments after the breakup are crucial.

No contact is a period of time when you cut off all communication with your newfound ex. No reaching out for closure, no checking new Instagram posts for cryptic information, no using friends as middlemen to get intel, and no counting days on the calendar. No contact.

I won’t dive into the real goals you should strive for during no contact, but I will move on and teach you about what is going on in your partner’s mind during the period.

Every attachment style reacts differently to no contact. There is a difference in the cycle each goes through during this period, and it will shape the path to the outcome you want; the end of no contact.

Remember when I said your reaction to the breakup was crucial? Your response to the end of no contact is vital too, and it is also important to understand what is going through your partner’s mind during this “cold” period.

The Anxious Preoccupied view

No one wants to be blunt and break the news to you, but regardless of your partner’s attachment style, the first thing they experience is immediate relief.

What differentiates the anxious preoccupied from the avoidant is that they have most likely thought about this moment for some time. Their thoughts have raced through their mind, and they have thought about the result of every possible avenue and came to the conclusion that ending the relationship was best.

When they approach you with the breakup, they have hit their peak.

Here is where your first reaction comes in and paints the immediate path for success. You don’t “match the peak.” Your partner expects you to fight for the relationship, try to fix everything, and reassure them of their perceived value as they walk away.

Don’t react that way. When you crash out and push for your partner to stay, you will accomplish two things: you will heighten their anxiety, and any “success” you have will be the result of momentary pity.

The truth is, your partner isn’t at peace, although they have some sense of relief.

I don’t want to paint the picture that your duty is to give your partner the cold shoulder, but you do want them to sit with the decision that they made. The longer you go without chasing, the more their anxiety increases, and they begin to question their decision.

The misconception is that no contact is manipulative. In stark contrast, it is the most respectful thing you can do for yourself and your partner.

DDD

I like to call the next section DDD because there are three Ds that the anxious preoccupied individual goes through during contact.

Other attachment styles react differently to no contact, such as avoidant, who can go weeks and months without hearing from you and seemingly be fine with it.

Your anxious partner will go into doubt mode quicker than any attachment style. Anxious preoccupied individuals are self-critical, so when they reflect on the relationship, they will start to wonder what they did wrong for the relationship to fizzle. They will wonder if they made the right decision, and they begin to doubt that you will ever reach out.

The anxious preoccupied attachment style isn’t as easily distracted as the other attachment styles. Sure, having out with friends and getting back to hobbies creates a momentary band-aid for the situation, but it will not erase those moments when they revert to thinking about the relationship, and curiosity kicks in about what you are doing since you haven’t reached out.

Lastly, your partner will begin to desire some form of feedback. What is my partner experiencing since the breakup? What are they doing, and who are they doing it with? How would they react if I were the one to reach out because I want to hear from them?

The moment the tables turn is when it is in their hands to go back and sift through those other avenues they thought were less peaceful than breaking up with you.

Again, none of this is meant to be manipulative. Your partner has to do the work, and if they want to fix the relationship, they can start the process. This is the moment when they are most likely to reach out, weeks 2–4.

Gone overboard

I don’t want to cause anyone to go into panic mode, but after the month window, your partner can become overly critical of themselves or the relationship, and begin to convince themselves that the relationship is over for the best.

Keep in mind, you are working with someone who is cycling through thoughts, and has explored thoughts ranging from your behavior, their actions, the relationship, their time without you, your growth as a person, and the list goes on.

Although they might not want to give up on the relationship, they will try to start convincing themselves that it is for the best.

When does no contact end? When the person who ended the relationship decides it’s over.

Tunde, you just said if I wait too long, then they will accept that the relationship is over.

No, I said they will try to convince themselves it is over for the best.

You want your partner to sift through those other avenues they could have chosen and make the decision that trying to make beneficial changes to the relationship was the best course of action.

To help keep you at bay, anxious preoccupied individuals are the least likely to race to the next person and immediately search for a rebound. I am not saying it isn’t possible, but rest assured, they’re doing their best to process everything.

Allow themselves the space to do so.

Remember how you didn’t freak out, start begging, and show signs of weakness when the initial breakup happened? Good. Now your partner knows you won’t freak out, and start begging if they initiate the conversation.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.