I know you’ve heard it before.
If it’s meant to be, then it will be.
A breakup is a breakup for a reason.
Listen, I am not here to change your belief system, but I am here to call bullsh*t on a few things.
While staying in an unhealthy relationship is certainly not the point of this article, I am here to give my input on how your relationship can be saved or reconstructed.
By now, I want to be confident enough to assume you know that the core of my writing is on attachment theory and a breakdown of attachment styles.
If this is your first time reading my writing, welcome!
I favor writing about the dismissive-avoidant attachment style because I am on my journey to secure attachment. I share education and knowledge with you so you can relate to someone on the path.
Today’s article will focus on rebuilding a relationship with a dismissive avoidant partner while also talking about what must happen in stages to create a restructure.
The early stages
In the early stages, you must focus on the relationship dynamic and decide if you are working with or against your partner.
Most people look at saving their relationships with an emotional view; can we find love again?
In the early stage, you must look at it from a behavioral viewpoint; can we change the behaviors that landed us here?
- Do you feel comfortable expressing your needs and values and envision your partner respecting your thoughts?
- Is the conversation coming from a space of two-part accountability?
Can the relationship become broken due to the actions of one person cheating or moral values crossed? Yes. Negating the extremes; If you are willing to come back or fix a relationship, you both played a part in the breakup.
Be honest with yourself from a behavioral understanding of your partner. Write out your answers to the bullets above. Keep in mind that this will not happen overnight.
Do you see the value in working with your partner and restructuring your relationship with someone working on themselves? Well, good news then, you have crushed step one.
Leave. Them. Alone
If you have a kid, niece, or nephew, you will be able to relate. Have you ever watched a kid have a temper tantrum and start crying, but instead of giving in, you just let them? Eventually, they stop, and the root of all is a desire for attention.
Now I know you’d love it if I tell you your partner or ex is being a little child, but that isn’t exactly what I am getting at.
- When a dismissive avoidant shuts down, they’re self-soothing by finding the answer to their issues internally.
- Once they discover their faults and find peace in their mind, they can let go of problems.
Dismissive avoidants struggle in many areas, but vulnerability and expectations/pressure are two pinpoints. Give them what they are asking for, and soon they won’t want it.
A dismissive-avoidant wants to find peace and harmony with their partners, and when they don’t, they shut down because a lack of consistency threatens their safety.
Once your partner sees the value missing you, they will be able to work through the benefit you provide and will even engage with you to find a solution.
Remember the start of the article; we, not just you.
If your partner reaches out or is receptive to you reaching out, do not go back to the blame game. All criticisms should start with us or we.
- What communication can we place to express how we feel if this event happens again?
- How can we work on our behaviors; so we have a way to notice what is going well or not well for us?
The blame game is over. There is no “when you do this, it makes me do that.”
The rifts that exist in your relationship are more behavioral than emotional. You do not fall in or out of love out of the blue. Behaviors result in the emotions that cause you to fall in or out of love.
That dynamic is on the individual level and a partnership level. Create behaviors that do not place pressure on one person to be better.
When your partner is looking at the relationship and engaging with how you can be better as a couple, it will alleviate their fear of vulnerability, and you are likely to get the collaborative results you are looking to find.
Take your time
A mistake you will see in a dynamic with a dismissive avoidant is rushing back to the relationship.
You will see a push away from a dismissive avoidant but a pull back when they feel secure with you.
- Be careful not to rush back to “regular.”
- Take time to dive into the behavioral issues that affected your relationship.
- A rush into being all-in will have twice the detriment if the relationship blows up again.
Don’t immediately trust what you see or become visibly secure with your partner too soon.
Earlier I said, a dismissive avoidant loves harmony. I add that a false sense of peace can result in a “sweep issues under the rug” effect, whether intentional or not.
Take your time with your partner. Trust me, being patient and somewhat distant will do everything but push them away.
I love to see people work on their attachment style as we all aim for that glorious secure attachment.
It takes time, often years.
When you put structure and behavioral balance in place, there is only room to grow and thrive.
Do not rush the process.
Think about it like a diet. Are you going to lose 50 pounds overnight? No.
Are you going to lose 5, get better sleep, breathe better, and create healthy habits as a part of the process? Yes
The same applies to attachment style. Give your partner time.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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