And that was just the problem, wasn’t it? I’d heard the “I’m here to help” schtick before, and look where it led me. I didn’t need his help, dammit! I could do it!
I could build a desk. I could pay for my own movie ticket. I could take care of myself and my children. After a while, it started to seem like I shouldn’t be in a relationship at all…because what was the point if I wasn’t willing to accept companionship?
The dirty little secret I’ve kept tucked safely away for thirty-four years is that I’ve always been a closet romantic. I’m talking sick levels of romantic, here. Blooming flowers, singing birds, mice sewing ball gowns…all of it. It took me a long time to admit that to anyone, especially myself because it felt less bad-ass to want to believe in the Happily Ever Afters. I was torn – the two halves of myself, Romantic and Independent Woman constantly at war. It almost felt like I was letting down Gloria Steinem personally every time I would get starry-eyed over a particularly sparkly engagement ring in a magazine ad. I felt as if I was punching Rosie the Riveter right in the mouth every time I wished for Prince Charming to show up and slay the dragon, for once. (I am so damn tired of slaying the dragons.) So I denied that half of my soul to everyone including myself because it felt disingenuous to want both to be a strong independent woman and to wish for a man to sweep me off my feet.
It took a major relationship argument to realize that, while I knew I could go it alone, I really wanted someone else along for the ride. To help. To support. To love me through it.
I really wanted to need a man just as much as he needed me.
That realization has completely changed how I approach relationships. While I’m no longer with that particular boyfriend, I am a little more gracious in accepting (and, GAG, even asking for) help. I’ve learned to embrace my inner sap, instead of cage her off in a corner somewhere. I’ve made peace with both halves of myself, both in and out of a relationship. Because at the end of the day, I want to need a partner in life. And that subtle shift in thinking has made all the difference.
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I came to my independence as a woman out of necessity. It was forced on me, not something I ever really wanted…rather a question of survival. My 42 year husband left me for a younger, wealthier, fake blonde. I’ve learned to do so much on my own and slowly realized I loved not being a wife anymore. The freedom is empowering. However, I have a lot of men friends (not boyfriends) who are happy to help me with the things I can not do by myself. I take their help willingly and with nothing but appreciation. But at the same… Read more »
Nope. The only thing that gets a wide berth of no travel than a single mom is the ‘strong independent woman’. I avoid them both and have never regretted either decision. Show up with the Gloria Steinam mindset and you will guickly find I agree, Women need a man like a fish needs a bike. There should be no men that jump on that grenade, it certainly will never be me. P.S. ‘Romance’ is the fat Santa Clause of Love – eventually you will learn it us just society’s pandering dressed up in a seasonal costume. #MGTOW – we do… Read more »
This is the drama of all ‘independent women’. They want to do everything and there’s nothing left for the men to do. Men want to be helpful! They need to be helpful because that’s what it means to be a man. If a man doesn’t feel helpful it’s very easy for him to get depressed. You make him feel like he’s not good enough. You deny him the opportunity to bring value into your life.
Have you ever thought about volunteering? Seriously. We men like to think we always need to fix things. Problem is most of us can barely fix a leaky faucet! We cannot even fix our own lives. So, how is it that we can fix other people’s lives? Just who the hell said the definition of a man is to be helpful? Perhaps this is the problem. I think we men need to broaden our horizons. We need to define for ourselves what it means to be a man. Be your own man I say! Stop thinking that your sense of… Read more »
Your words resonate with me. I am a strong and independent woman who has learned to take care of herself, and takes pride in that. After 38 years of adulthood and two marriages, I find myself single again. I’ve grown tired of being strong and independent. I want a man in my life who wants to take care of me – not to be confused with me wanting to be taken care of. Just someone who will love and support me, and carry my burdon when I grow weary until I’m ready to take it back again.
That’s been me for the longest time. Being masculine in my mind and a feminine at heart, I take pride in my ability to lead an independent life (because that’s what my father thought women can’t do!) at the cost of stashing my romantic need for a man to step up and take charge into a closet! I feriously guard my able self and don’t let a man provide for me…I can’t imagine asking for a man’s help unless of course I need one’s physical strength. I feel disoriented around strong masculine men as they seem to challenge (same charges… Read more »
For alot of us more old fashioned guys like myself, being physically useful is absolutely necessary. For us, we shoe love by what we do with our hands. Fixing her car, roofing the house, finishing the basement, repairing the dryer, these things are the source of our sense of worth in relationship. It makes you feel like a man, a provider. In this way, I need to be needed. A woman who won’t let me do these things is a woman I’m not interested in.
*show
“For us, we shoe love by what we do with our hands. Fixing her car, roofing the house, finishing the basement, repairing the dryer, these things are the source of our sense of worth in relationship. ” I can understand how doing these things give you a sense of pride and joy. What is incomprehensible to me is just how not being able to do these things for a woman makes you feel less of a man. I don’t get it. I can paint, replace a toilet, my sink disposal, repair my Kubota snowblower……I grew up doing these things. But,… Read more »