When we think of love triangles, it’s usually about two people who are vying for the love of the same person. Or maybe we think more psychological and recall Sternberg’s triangular theory of love which states that in order to have consummate love, a couple needs intimacy, passion and commitment.
The relational triad we’re about to go into predates Sternberg’s theory by almost twenty years. Psychiatrist Steven Karpman developed the “drama triangle” to map conflict within interpersonal relationships.
He realized that conflict needs players but each player must have a role. In his research, he consistently found three archetypes in relational conflict: the victim, rescuer and persecutor.
The Victim
To be clear, the “victim” in this context is not someone who experienced an infringement on their rights or experienced a crime.
This is someone who feels oppressed and powerless to change their circumstances. They shame themselves for their inability to have what they want or to do what others can. Ultimately, they want to be taken care of.
They subconsciously seek a rescuer to come in and save them from their inadequacy, but they also subconsciously want a persecutor to remind them that they’re useless. Both the rescuer and persecutor reinforce the victim’s identity of being hopeless, misunderstood, beyond help and that everyone has their life together except them.
The victim does not believe that they can support themselves and give themselves what they need and as a result they do nothing to change their fate. And when they make mistakes they cannot take accountability.
The Rescuer
Unbeknownst to the rescuer, amidst their attempts to help and heal people, is their tendency to avoid dealing with their problems and a desire to be seen as useful to others.
Rescuers are enablers and codependents. If they aren’t able to save the victim or the perpetrator, they feel guilty. To them, it’s their responsibility to make people “better.”
But as they try and fail to improve others, they develop a quiet resentment when they take on the burdens of others and fail to get what they think they deserve for all their self-sacrifice.
Nevertheless, the rescuer wants a victim and persecutor to help in order to distract from their own problems and to instill a sense of ability in the hope that they can transform these people.
The Persecutor
The persecutor is essentially a bully. They are critical of others, unemphatic and seek errors in others to attack them. While all three roles utilize guilt, this role wields it as a weapon as often as they want.
As much as the persecutor unconsciously wants a victim in order to express their persecutory role, they are afraid of being a victim themselves. They refuse to be vulnerable because they don’t want to be attacked. With regards to the rescuer or savior, the persecutor views them as a sitting duck, ready to be exploited.
Despite all their hostility, the persecutor offers no real help. But the goal was never to help anyway. The goal was to maintain the dysfunctional relationships and their belief that they’re always right.
Examples of the Roles in Action
The drama triangle was initially utilized in family dynamics but can be seen in friendships, romance or the workplace. People tend to have a default role that they learned in their relationship with their family of origin. Some people are mild versions of these roles while others are extreme.
If you were trying to extinguish fights or make people feel better, you learnt to be a rescuer. If you were helpless or people assumed your responsibilities, you became a victim. If you exploded at other’s inabilities to meet your needs, you developed into a perpetrator.
In an example of the drama triangle in a family dynamic, a father will yell at the child for not getting good enough grades in school.
The child plays the victim as they believe they can’t do any better and the mother tries to soothe the child and father to de-escalate the conflict.
In a romantic dynamic, a woman may be a victim and ingratiates herself to a rescuer who is more than happy to oblige. The victim won’t be able to take any advice from the rescuer and then feels shame that she cannot match up to the rescuer’s vision for her. She then enlists a persecutor who will further reinforce that she’s helpless but with less expectation.
What’s interesting is that the roles can change as the players continue to interact with one another.
The rescuer sees that the victim has left, feels slighted by this and then may become a persecutor himself. He yells at the woman about everything she’s done wrong, but this may cause the initial persecutor to then assume the rescuer role to soothe the victim.
Solutions
Ultimately, the best way to hop off of this drama is to recognize the role(s) you tend to play in your relationships with others.
Also, if you can see what your role wants, you can learn how to meet these needs without engaging in toxic behaviors.
The victim wants to be cared for. The rescuer wants to be useful. The perpetrator wants to be righteous. If you can think of healthy ways to meet these needs or heal the trauma that is linked to the underlying desire, you’ll be in pole position to exit the drama triangle.
Ultimately, here’s what each role needs to know in order to drop the role altogether:
The victim is not an actual victim because they are not powerless in life. They are like everyone else and can take responsibility and accountability for what occurs in their lives. If they are unsure on how to do something, ask for help. The steps are available.
The rescuer is not an actual rescuer because people can only save themselves. It is not their responsibility to save people and they will never have the ability to anyway. They can be useful by encouraging others and being a good example.
The perpetrator is not an actual perpetrator because they hide behind the reality that the pain they inflict on others is pain that was inflicted on them. Forgiveness for those who have wronged them will do a lot of good. As a result, they won’t be preoccupied with who needs a tongue-lashing because of the realization that we are all imperfect.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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