It’s not for everyone, self-exploration. We live in a modern world where people seem less and less intent on analyzing their own mistakes but rather judging others with a wagging finger. I see political divides far greater than I have ever seen. Each part of the spectrum more or less intent that their side is the good side and the other side, theirs is the broken one.
We seem to have taken our political ideas and merged them with our personal lives. We no longer keep political discussion to a minimum, knowing that such talk can cause arguments. No, it’s encouraged that people, “call out” such inappropriateness.
It’s becoming harder to talk about our identities without having some assumption thrust on us about our leanings. Any disagreement is taken as a personal insult, rather than a differing of opinion, because to disagree is to disagree with a person’s existence. This is flawed. And I blame social media for inviting politics into our home.
It’s a very simplistic view of the world, that one belief set is morally bad, and the other good, and don’t get me wrong, every part of the spectrum is at it, not just one side. Personally, I’d like to believe that every person has the capacity to do good and bad but in the name of good from their own subjective worldview.
I was previously such a character. Driven by my wanting to always do good I would ultimately end myself up in some bad situations. Sometimes the only options we have are the best decision out of a set of horrible ones. A good person once said to me, “Raymond, soon, you’re going to learn that life isn’t just black and white, but more-so several different shades of grey” and she was right. It took me a while though.
One such event was when I was taken through my first set of counseling appointments. I remember the lady, she was Polish and about my mother’s age. She spoke softly to me and was very intent on listening to what I had to say.
We spoke about everything in our sessions, from the good to the bad, to the ugly. I remember on my third session she noticed that I never talked about any of my failures, my regrets, the dashing of my own hopes. It was a hard thing for me to do back then, admit that up until that point I saw myself as a complete failure.
I remember her telling me that I talked a lot about what people had done to me, but not much of how I saw myself, or rather why I thought I was a victim or a big fat failure. This is where the real work began. We didn’t talk about anything else after that; it was hard, but we worked through that.
I remember after one session coming home, plonking myself on my bed, hugging my covers, “I’m not a fucking failure” I shrieked as I threw my Xbox controller against the wall. My mind continued to spiral as I clutched at my head, trying to stop these thoughts that she had very gently set in motion in my head. “It’s their fault! Those fuckers did this to me!” I screamed as I headbutted my mattress. It took most of the night to calm myself down but over that night I had come to terms with a few things. Mostly that I had been trying to suppress my failures whilst shining light on the good.
You see, looking back, I had been avoiding that conversation with myself for most of my adult life. My family, my friends, all expected me to go onto do great things. I was in the Scottish National Golf team, I was headed for good Universities, I was a top achiever in school. My life had been practically set out for me.
And then what? Drugs, drink, in a gang, going nowhere? Dropped out of school, failed college, couldn’t hold down a place to live or a job to save my life. There was a lot I was avoiding, and I was putting the blame on other people for what I had failed in. My Auntie told me a few weeks ago that I’m an adult now and that I should be responsible for my own decisions in life. She is right.
I am the result of every single decision I have made up until this point. This can’t be truer.
One lady said to me several years ago that I was my own worst enemy. I could never understand that phrase, how could one be their own worst enemy? My enemies spanned far and wide, yet how could I, Raymond, be damaging to myself?
Turns out there can be a lot of ways. My biggest one was not dealing with situations as they arise. Dealing with stuff head on is unpleasant but it saves for a bigger explosion further down the timeline.
I don’t fear myself anymore. I’ve been taken to the most terrifying of realizations about myself and worked to overcome them. If I couldn’t overcome them, then I have tried to accept that it’s something I can’t change about myself, and because of this, I fear little anymore.
I’m far more understanding. If I don’t understand it, I try to understand it. Through this, I’ve learned to judge far fewer people than previously. That we’re all just trying to good in the only way that we know how in a messed-up world that seeks to undermine us in as many inhumane ways as possible.
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