No one warns you about the wave of “firsts” after a heartbreak…
They aren’t monumental milestones. They’re the small, everyday moments you’ve done your whole life. Most have nothing to do with the relationship itself. They are things you’ve done your whole life before the relationship, during, and now, after. Suddenly, carry heavy meanings…
Everything is the same, yet nothing feels the same anymore.
You don’t feel the same. You feel like a divided version of yourself, one ‘before heartbreak’ and the other ‘after heartbreak’ (which, by the way, ends up being a great thing after some time…).
For example, I love cooking… especially making soup. I’ve made soup for myself, for friends, and yes, even for my ex. Soup didn’t start with him and wouldn’t end with him.
Yet the first time I made soup after the breakup, it felt wrong. Something I’d done a hundred times before, so simple and normal… suddenly felt heavy.
It was as though doing something so routine, something I usually did twice a week, was betraying my feelings. I didn’t feel normal inside, so why was I doing normal things outside?
That was the conflict.
Making soup on a Monday night, like I always had, felt like pretending everything was fine. But it wasn’t fine.
Suddenly, even the most ordinary routines felt like an act of betrayal against my grief.
The first time I walked in the park…
Walking around the pond had been my routine. I’d done it before him… My gratitude walks most mornings. During the us, I’d thanked the universe for him.
After him, I didn’t know what to hope for. I circled the pond, lost, going over things, trying to make sense of things, but mostly, I just wanted the pain to stop.
Then, there was the first time I passed his street. It was the same route I’d taken a hundred times, walking away from his door after weekends together, my heart full of love and excitement. Now, the street was the same, but I wasn’t.
The first time I ordered sushi… something I loved long before him… I stared at the menu for far too long, paralyzed by the memory of all the times we’d ordered sushi together.
The first time I bought myself flowers again, I stood contemplating at the booth for ages. I’d buy myself flowers weekly before him. Flowers had nothing to do with him… He only bought me flowers twice. But somehow, the simple act of picking out a bouquet for the first time after him felt heavy.
The firsts kept coming.
- The first time I went to a musical alone, one of my favorite activities.
- The first time, I made it through a day without crying.
- The first time, I finished a meal without feeling sick from the pain.
- The first time, I didn’t click on his name on WhatsApp.
- The first time I finished reading a book… something I loved had done since I could read that had felt impossible for months.
- The first time, I could focus on a movie without drifting off or turning it off halfway through.
Every first good thing or bad thing felt like a betrayal of my grief.
Even hugs from friends felt wrong at first. So did the first dates, or even getting kissed for the first time after the heartbreak.
Every first felt like moving on, and for a while, I didn’t want to move on.
Feeling okay felt heavy, like a guilt I couldn’t shake.
But I reclaimed a small piece of myself every time I got through one…
I didn’t realize it then, but with every heavy first, I was moving forward.
Each moment was a step toward a new normal.
It’s okay to return to the things you once loved.
It’s okay to let them feel new… even if they hurt at first.
It’s okay to feel like you’re betraying your grief.
Because eventually, those firsts become seconds. Then thirds. Then, they go back to being routines and habits you once loved again. Some even new ones you pick up along the way…
They stop being about the heartbreak, about him…
They become yours again.
All the firsts are a part of healing…
Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in tiny, painful moments…in everyday things… like cooking soup or buying flowers.
It’s okay to get back to normalcy. It doesn’t make your love or pain any less valid.
Reclaiming the parts of your life that heartbreak made you lose is okay.
Every first is proof that you’re still moving, still growing. That you are still you…
The scary part about heartbreak is that it makes you feel like you’ve lost yourself. You don’t feel like yourself for a while… But these firsts… these ordinary moments, remind you that you haven’t lost yourself. You are still you, working towards an even better version through the healing and the lessons…
And one day, you’ll look back and realize the “firsts” weren’t betrayals.
They were beginnings.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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