No one likes head games. At least, not when one is the target.
Unfortunately, it can be hard to avoid them when you’re dating. They make what could be a fun, pleasant time for all concerned into a royal pain in the keister.
So, what to do?
First of all, don’t play head games yourself. If you suspect you are guilty of doing this at times — STOP! Talk to a friend you can trust if you need help spotting bad behavior. Then get it under control. After all, how can you expect others to treat you with respect if you don’t offer them the same courtesy?
Second, realize that everyone can play games. Men do it. Women do it. Even little dogs can do it. Yes, really.
You have to nip this type of thing in the bud. That means, you can’t be a doormat.
Let me explain.
I’m a nice person. No, really, I am. I’d much rather be kind than not. I’ve donated time and money to help people and animals in trouble, I’ve made soup for sick friends, I’ve fed the homeless and visited nursing homes at Christmas time to sing carols to the elderly.
But I don’t like it when people try to take advantage of me.
Which is great for the most part, but what if you’ve got a something-something for a particular guy or gal? That is when you really have to take a step back. Nothing kills romance faster than letting stuff slide.
The first time I figured this out — I was in college. This guy really liked me. He took me out to fancy places and bought me gifts. It was great except… after the fourth date, I realized I didn’t really like him the way he liked me. He was talking about what kind of house we’d have. What color scheme I’d want for our living room.
I was a girl who just wanted to have fun. I wasn’t ready for a mortgage, 2.2 kids and in-laws.
He must have picked up on the fact that I was going to have “the talk” with him when I asked him to meet me for coffee a couple of days later. My treat.
Before I could tell him we should just be friends, he told me how depressed he was. That he’d been feeling suicidal.
OK, I knew he was playing me. I could just feel the emotional manipulation creeping over me. But…. There was a part of me that wondered — what if he really does kill himself? Then aren’t I guilty? Would I really be able to live with myself if I broke it off and then read that he’d drowned in the paper?
I didn’t break up with him over coffee, but I stewed about it that night. I didn’t get much sleep.
The next morning, I called him and told him we were breaking up.
Because here’s the thing. I’m not a slave to anyone else. I’m not required to ruin my life because someone else is emotionally insecure.
If the guy really was suicidal, he needed therapy and meds, not a girlfriend to drag down with him.
I wasn’t mean when I called him. I told him I had enjoyed dating him (which was true of at least the first couple of dates, before every conversation became a discussion about furniture and what we’d name our dog). I let him know we could remain friends, that I hoped he got the help he needed. I mentioned on-campus therapy services and other options. I even let him know he could call me if he needed to talk… but I could not be his girlfriend.
He was not happy. Various other manipulative tactics were tried. The more he played games, the less sympathetic I got. I finally told him I couldn’t deal with the drama and hung up on him.
Now, there are men out there who would call me all sorts of names.
To them I say — women are human beings too. And men are not entitled to a relationship. Neither are women, for that matter.
Relationships take work. They can be messy. They don’t always pan out. Disappointment and heartache comes with the territory.
So, does that mean you shouldn’t date? No. But understand that it’s risky.
Maybe you’ll find your soul-mate in high-school or college. But maybe it will take you decades. I’ve known people who thought they’d be forever single, and then found the right person for them in their 40s or even 50s.
There is no “right” timeline.
So stop pushing things, manipulating people, or playing head games in the vain hope that it will lead to lasting love. This kind of behavior reeks of desperation and will backfire.
A better strategy — be honest, don’t play games, and live a life you love whether you are with someone or alone. And if someone breaks up with you, for God’s sake don’t threaten to kill yourself! Trust me, you’ll be fine!
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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.
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