So long as people think abortions only happen to people they don’t know, they’ll continue to limit our choice.
It is a truism that it’s much easier to discriminate against a class of people whom you have never met. Justice Powell, prior to ruling in support of an anti-sodomy law, is famously said to have remarked to his closeted law clerk that he didn’t believe he knew any homosexuals. This issue was a large part of the rationale behind encouraging gays to come out publicly, and it is behind the nascent movement encouraging women to talk about their abortions.
This is particularly important when the vast majority of people making legislative decisions about reproductive rights are men (83% of Congress, about the same as Libya’s new democracy). What is their personal experience with abortion? How many of them have sat with a partner in an abortion clinic?
The answer should be simple of course. One out of every three women in the United States will have an abortion. No responsible man (and I mean responsible in both senses of the word) would leave his partner to face such an emotionally traumatic event on their own. So that means that 33% of legislators have been inside an abortion clinic and had a relationship with the women whose choices they are eliminating. And 33% of the men reading this article have had to help make the momentous decision of whether to bring a new person into the world, or wait, perhaps, until a better time.
But of course, it’s not that simple, is it?
Some of those abortions are happening precisely because some of those men (but not my readers, I’m sure) weren’t there to provide support. And in many others, the full weight of the decision and its consequences fell on the woman alone. Abortion isn’t something that anyone wants to consider, but only the man is given the option to avoid facing it at all. Also, some clinics don’t allow men; they have valid concerns about abusive partners who may want to interfere with the decision process, in one direction or the other. So a man’s participation may end at the door.
Given the rising tide of anti-choice legislation, I feel it’s very important for us to “humanize” those involved in the decision for an abortion. It needs to be clear that the people who have abortions are your neighbors, your friends, and your partners. And in that process, I believe that the men involved also have a responsibility to tell what it’s like for them. We are one in three too.
So let me tell you what it’s like to be one of those men.
When I was in college, I met a girl. We went out. We got closer to each other. We decided to have sex. It wasn’t the first time for either of us, but it was our first responsible time.
We were safe sex fanatics. We tried the pill, we tried the diaphragm, and we tried condoms. We were open to people about our relationship, and we were open about using birth control. This was pretty novel in the 70’s, and the college health center even referred people to us who had questions about our experiences with different methods.
We went out for about a year, but although we liked each other, we fought a lot, and it obviously wasn’t working. In November, we tearfully broke up.
A month later, she discovered she was pregnant.
We talked about it. It was clearly her decision to make, and she was not at a point in her life where she was ready to have a baby. She wasn’t sure if she ever wanted a baby. She decided to have an abortion.
We were at a small college in a rural state, but there was a city an hour away, and it had a clinic. We decided I would take her to the clinic, and then to a relative’s where she could recover over Christmas vacation. We scheduled the appointment for the first day of vacation, and I told my parents that school got out a day later than it actually did.
The day came, and we drove to the clinic. I don’t remember a lot about the trip. It was a somber occasion, and we weren’t going out with each other anymore; there wasn’t a lot of talking. We parked. We walked into the clinic. She checked in, and I sat in the waiting room waiting for her to be called. While I sat there, I got to see what kind of women go to a clinic for an abortion.
Remember, this was a rural state. I doubt there was another clinic in a two hundred mile range. I was an hour from my college, and two hours from my home town. Who did I see?
I saw my ex-girlfriend, of course; nervous but determined that she was doing the right thing for her life and her career.
I saw the older sister of a friend from elementary school; just a few years older than us, who was always the responsible one in her family.
I saw my high school English teacher; the woman who had written on my report card how she thought I was the next O’Henry.
I saw women just like the women in your life; strong people making a hard decision, but one they were sure of, and firmly believed was correct.
When the procedure was over, she came out. I helped her to the car, drove to her relative’s, and watched her walk unsteadily to the front door and step inside. And then I made the long drive home.
Some thirty years later, I still stop and think about it occasionally. I wonder what he (for some reason, I visualize a boy) would be like today. And I think about what our alternatives were. Two people who didn’t get along, raising a child that neither wanted, with no money, and no college education. I have two grown daughters now, and I’m more proud of them, and how they were raised, than anything else in my life. They were children who were brought into the world when I was ready, and when they were wanted. I always wonder about the path I might have taken, but I never regret it.
A number of the new anti-abortion laws work on the false (perhaps intentionally so) theory that a woman seeking an abortion doesn’t fully understand the ramifications of what she is doing, and that if she did, she would change her mind. There’s a myth that people treat it like a trip to the dentist to take out a tooth. As a man who went through the decision, I know that nothing could be further from the truth. It wasn’t true for me, it hasn’t been true for any of the men I’ve known who have had to make the decision, and it certainly isn’t true for the women.
So long as we remain quiet about our experiences, we allow others to shape the discussion, frame women as victims, and remove the agency of women and men who need to make this important decision for themselves. We need to speak up. We need to tell our friends, our neighbors, and our legislators, that yes, people just like us have abortions.
Read more on Abortion.
Image of woman selecting magazine in medical waiting room courtesy of Shutterstock
At the age of 10, I lived in Madrid. The first thing I remember about the event was watching my mother carry a basin-full of blood out of our housekeeper’s room. There was so much blood, and it scared me. The Spanish doctor came, and I heard he and my mother shouting at each other. He was screaming that Angelita (our housekeeper) was just a stupid peasant girl who got what she deserved. Then he stomped out of our apartment, slamming the door. An hour later, a tall African American was at the door. He was a doctor from the… Read more »
“As for the taxes–you’d be paying a LOT more if an abortion didn’t happen than if it did. A 500 dollar abortion versus welfare for a child for many, many years? Medical care, food, education, etc. What about lawyer and police costs to chase down the father for child support? What about the prison costs if he doesn’t pay up? What if the cycle continues and the child becomes a single parent?” Tax dollars to pay for a women who has no husband/partner is another topic all together and not a reason for abortion. Goes back to what I said… Read more »
Since when was having sex with one person, with whom you are in a relationship, become ‘sleeping around’? According to the CDC (http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6015a1.htm?s_cid=ss6015a1_w) 36.4% and 8.0%, respectively, had previously had either one to two abortions, or three or more abortions, so I’d be interested to see your statistics. I would also like to point out that women are fertile from about 15 to 45. Two abortions over 30 years does not suggest to me that it is being used as contraception – certainly I am using contraception a heck of a lot more than that. Yes, that 8% may be… Read more »
You mean you had your first sexual encounter when you were ready to have children? Most humans become sexually ready well before they are ready for children. That’s just basic biology. And accusing everyone who had sex when they were not ready to raise children of sleeping around is ridiculous.
Thank you for this. Wonderful story. As for making this a conversation about men’s choice. I do believe that the argument about a financial abortion is a legitimate one. I’m on the fence about it, but I completely understand why it could be done in a certain period of time. The woman could get the man to say whether or not he would support the child within 3 months of the pregnancy, and if he says no, she would still have time to abort or chose to keep the child as her own. Although, I do think that if the… Read more »
Don’t you think that it would be an even better idea if, given that there is contraception which is 99% effective and easy to access, that the people who aren’t ready for children would use contraception before having sex so conception doesn’t occur?
@Candy Remember, 99% means just that; 1 out of the 100 times you have sex, you are likely to get pregnant. Furthermore, the options that are in the 99% range (pill, UID, implant) are not cheap and not always easy to access. The IUD, for instance, is pretty awesome, but can cause severe cramping in some, and costs hundreds of dollars up front. Never mind that some doctors refuse to give it to people who aren’t in a long-term relationship (because it can aggravate STIs). Not everyone can deal with the side-effects of the pill, and I’m not even sure… Read more »
Yes Drew: Heaven Forbid, someone might have a different opinion.
The thing is, if you’re against abortion, don’t have one. Don’t make your partner have one. Like gay marriage. If you don’t like it, don’t marry someone of the same gender. Why is it so important for you to force your opinions into other people’s lives? The woman, and often times the man, are going through something very tough in their lives. The woman is going to be affected more physically, mentally, and financially…but the man might be suffering from guilt, worry, not being sure how to support the woman, etc. Why add to their pain? Why not educate on… Read more »
These articles are always heartfelt and real. I’ve been through this and I have my own views.
You debate-freaks ruin a good article just like the twelve-year-old internet thugs ruin my favorite music videos.
Read, stay cool, open your mind. Show respect.
@ Kee … I’m gonna be blunt here … “1. If your partner doesn’t share your views on choice (men’s or women’s), then you shouldn’t be having sex with them. End of story. Why on earth would you do that?” If you’re not ready to handle having a child, then why on earth are you having sex with a women you don’t plan on spending your life with? You claim to be a fanatic about birth control …. She got pregnant! What went wrong? The 33% most definitely includes women who have had multiple abortions. What legislation is anti-choice? If… Read more »
er…not me.
Me neither. It was hard, it was sad, it was necessary and I have never regretted it. It is reprehensible that there are clinics who’s primary purpose is to take advantage of a woman’s ( or girl’s ) mental state at a vulnerable moment, and try to influence her to feel worse about it, and to make decisions that she herself doesn’t want to make. I heard a story once about a friend who visited a pro-life ( or anti- choice, we are all pro- life ) picket line with a contract, asking any of them to sign it, agreeing… Read more »
I know almost exactly where you are coming from sir, I had a very similar situation a few years back. My best friend (female, as are most of my friends) dated some guy against almost everyone we knows advise and got pregnant. This guy, being the douche that he was, just walked away when he found out. So being the person I am, I volunteered to take her to the clinic and be around the next day. The whole thing tore her up for months. I agree that these laws assume that the women going in somehow don’t understand the… Read more »
You’re a good man, Jack, to do that for your friend. And completely correct in that it’s ignorant to think that most women don’t take time to think about the decision and weigh the consequences. Or that they aren’t affected at all by it. Abortion is a last resort, not something taken lightly or used as a form of birth control.
There are some things wrong with this post: “So long as people think abortions only happen to people they don’t know, they’ll continue to limit our choice.” Assuming you, like I, don’t have an uterus it is not your choice (according to the prevalent moral standards), but the potential mothers with the fetuses right to live as the only possible constraint. As the potential father has no say whatsoever in the decision to abort or not, he cannot have any responsibility, it is the woman’s body. He has though a parent’s responsibilities towards the child, in case it gets to… Read more »
Addendum: “A number of the new anti-abortion laws work on the false (perhaps intentionally so) theory that a woman seeking an abortion doesn’t fully understand the ramifications of what she is doing, and that if she did, she would change her mind. There’s a myth that people treat it like a trip to the dentist to take out a tooth. As a man who went through the decision, I know that nothing could be further from the truth.” And this is just awful reasoning, just because you know about one case, doesn’t mean you have any knowledge of any other… Read more »
I agree. I know women who’ve had abortions – I even a friend the cash she needed to get one (and no; not mine). That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t support abortion for the very reasons you outline (I know that there’s some hypocrisy there, but what can I say? you support your friends even when you don’t agree with them. That’s why they’re your friends). This is the only way to be fair. I probably wouldn’t even look that well on such an act. I don’t look well on abortion itself, either. It’s an act of weakness… Read more »
Do you also look badly upon people who get medical care for other health problems? After all, they didn’t take proper care of themselves, so they “messed up and now they want to escape the consequences of their actions” by heaving a bypass, cancer treatment, a bone set, etc? No? Then you’re judging women about sex, not about messing up and escaping the consequences.
Have you stopped to think about your two daughters and how if their mother had decided they wouldn’t exist the guess what , they wouldn’t exist. Your opinion didn’t count.
@ GudEbuf
The fact that women make up the majority of voters doesn’t mean that 83% men is ok. It also doesn’t mean that there isn’t sexism at work in voting behaviour. Women have also internalised the association between ‘men’ and ‘leadership’ that disadvantages women in elections. It’s also highly likely that many voters were not given the option of voting for a female candidate. Where only male candidates are fielded, you’re going to get a man elected. Where a majority of male candidates are fielded, you’re going to get a majority of men elected.
ok- so when are women actually responsible for anything in your worldview?
1. Women make up the majority of voters.
2. More women than men vote.
3. Women are not restricted from running for office.
Reminds me of the old lyric from Cracker- “If you want to change the world, shut your mouth and start to spin it…”
@Texpat That’s a long discussion about privilege, and really better for somewhere else. But imagine a mostly male party apparatus deciding who to support as a candidate, who to give money to, and who to invite to the get-to-know-potential-candidate meetings. They naturally pick people they know and whom their friends know, and whom they’ve done business with or socialized with. Needless to say, there aren’t a lot of women in that list. Intentional bias isn’t required, it’s all a huge chain of relationships which were biased years ago, and which will take many more years to recover from unless people… Read more »
Sorry- doesnt ring true. Look at how many candidates run unopposed at the municipal and local levels. These are the springboards to larger platforms. Municipal and local races can be won with resonant grass roots campaigns- it doesn’t take a ton of money or influence. If women (as a group) wanted to elect more women they have the absolutely overwhelming power to do so. They aren’t doing it. They are electing the same candidates they have been all along. Those who hold the power shouldn’t be cloaking themselves in victim’s robes. I’ll talk privilege when it comes to race and… Read more »
@Texpat I’m going to drop this as off-topic. I can provide references if you want to discuss it elsewhere.
He’s right, the decisions are made by those who show up.
“This is particularly important when the vast majority of people making legislative decisions about reproductive rights are men (83% of Congress, about the same as Libya’s new democracy). ”
And who votes those men in? Women make up the majority of voters, and polls find they are just as likely as men to oppose abortion.
Except Kee, you never made any real decisions did you, because by law, your opinions were irrelevant, you might think you had a say in all this but you didn’t . AND that is the point some are trying to make. Your partner may have made it seem like you had any say, but sorry, you didn’t. If you partner had decided to have the child, you would have no choice, if she aborts, again, you don’t have a choice, if she decides (and she is even half way intelligent) to not have an abortion and give the child up… Read more »
I really don’t want this discussion to turn into a debate about men’s choice, so let’s see if I can address your comments and present my stance on this, and then we can move on and focus on the issues I actually discussed. 1. If your partner doesn’t share your views on choice (men’s or women’s), then you shouldn’t be having sex with them. End of story. Why on earth would you do that? 2. We all make decisions with other people every day. They are no less real because they aren’t enforced by a law. Red herring. 3. My… Read more »
I think what john is saying is that if those decisions are enforceable (by law) they aren’t real and that is a fact. If you and a love one decide to do something and the other person changes their mind (or lied to you to begin with) and you have no recourse but to go along with what their final decision was, your so called decision and your place in that decision isn’t real.
I think what Kee is pointing out is that what you need to do in that case is make the decision before hand. I.e. If you would wish to abort should she get pregnant then say that before you have sex, and if you don’t want to have a kid and want to use birth control, but also would want to keep any potential kid, then say that. I can’t actually remember if I did that initially, but I have had a few discussions along the way with my partner about how he and I would feel at various points… Read more »