A happy relationship can add a lot of chocolate chips to your life cookie — a bad one can burn it like an out-of-control toaster oven.
This Harvard University study found your relationships with others are the biggest factor determining your happiness. It’s not just about love-drunk teenagers — they tracked and questioned the same people for over 80 years.
But what starts with rose-colored glasses often turns into tears, cuss words, and breakups. Divorce rates sit at 50% in the US, that’s one every 42 seconds.
The crazy thing? I’m surprised they aren’t higher.
Nobody prepares you for what in good and bad times means. Instead, you grow up with unrealistic Disney movies and happily-ever-afters. This isn’t reality.
If you want a happy and long-lasting relationship, you’ll have to swallow a few bitter pills.
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You Need To Have the Tough Conversations
The tougher a conversation, the more you need to have it.
Feelings, vulnerability, weight gain, sexual satisfaction, wanting an open relationship and other sensitive topics don’t get any better if you keep quiet.
There can be no secrets. Secrets divide you. Always.
This doesn’t mean you have to share your dirty browser history. But if it’s a topic that concerns you both, silence becomes the wedge that drives you apart.
When you stay silent, you swallow and repress things until they become too much to bear while the other is in the dark about what’s going on. My ex did this until she exploded like Mount St. Helens in 1980. Had we talked before, we would’ve saved ourselves a traumatizing emotional mess.
Instead, build a safe space where you can talk about sensitive topics:
- Create a calm and intimate environment. No time pressure, no stress, no outside influences.
- Feelings first, interpretation second, conclusions last. “I feel unappreciated. I think you don’t give me recognition for my efforts, for example XYZ. Let me know what you think and maybe we can do it better in the future.”
- Detach yourself from the situation. This one topic doesn’t define you, your partner, or your relationship. It’s just one of the factors you need to talk about.
There will always be tough topics that make you uncomfortable, which is exactly why you need to talk about them. If you can’t, your relationship is doomed from the beginning.
How to swallow the bitter pill:
Accept that some topics will be difficult because of deep-rooted fears we all have. But not addressing them doesn’t help. You will have to bite the bullet if you want your relationship to last.
You Have To Compromise, but in the Right Way
“Love without sacrifice is like theft.”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb
In relationships, compromising is both the most important and hardest thing to do.
Not everything will go your way. To bring together two complex human beings, you’ll have to make sacrifices. But you have to do it right.
I’ve always been a man with strict principles I wouldn’t budge on. It made me devilishly attractive to the women I met, but also led to an imbalance in my relationships. When my ex left me, I learned a painful lesson.
You’ll have to sacrifice, but what you can create together is often better than what you can create alone. The whole is bigger than the sum of its parts.
But what makes a good compromise?
- Both have to give up something. Relationships aren’t a one-way street but a way to grow together, which both have to contribute to.
- Both have to be okay with that sacrifice. Nothing unsaid, nothing repressed.
- The compromise has to align with your authentic selves. If the change isn’t genuine, don’t do it.
How to swallow the bitter pill:
If you want to make a relationship work, prepare to give up things that are dear to you. Don’t betray yourself but know that nothing worth having comes easy. Great things require great sacrifices.
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You Will Hurt and You Will Get Hurt — That’s Why You’ll Have To Forgive
Big fucking news coming in hot: Humans aren’t perfect.
You mess up. You hurt people you love. They hurt you.
However, strong emotions amplify pain like a magnifying glass a sunbeam, burning holes into your heart and leaving scars.
- The mean words that came out in a heated moment
- The childhood trauma that made you close yourself off and push your partner out
- The snarky comment that made you feel disrespected
When that happens, you have two options.
You either hold grudges or forgive and move on.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “That egoistic asshole hurt me without any regard for my feelings, why should I forgive and move on?!” The answer is simple.
It brings you peace of mind.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
― Buddha
I’ve made dumb mistakes that hurt others. I’ve been through more heated arguments than I can count. In the end, it always comes down to the same few things.
Talk about your feelings and acknowledge your partner’s. Apologize for what you did wrong and forgive the other. Learn, grow, and move on.
How to swallow the bitter pill:
Put your ego aside. Forgive. View mistakes as an opportunity to grow stronger together.
Photo by Andrey Andreyev on Unsplash
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You Will Have Days When You Don’t Want To See Them — That’s Normal
I love ice cream, but there’s only so much I can eat before I get sick.
Relationships are the same — no matter how happy you are, sometimes you or your partner need a little breather.
Don’t assume you’re falling out of love like an unsupervised baby out of a shopping cart. Humans aren’t robots and relationships aren’t linear. Ups and downs are fine — just follow the golden rule:
Communicate clearly.
In my first relationships, I didn’t share my thoughts and feelings because I didn’t want to hurt my girlfriends.
This poured gasoline into the fire of insecurities.
Instead, let each other know what’s going on — and don’t feel bad if they withdraw. Most times, it’s nothing personal, just the natural ebb and flow.
You can’t always be on cloud nine.
How to swallow the bitter pill:
Talk openly about what you feel. Don’t withdraw without explanation. Let your partner know where you stand and invite them to do the same. When they do, don’t take it personally — give space where space is needed.
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You and Your Partner Will Change In Ways You Don’t Like
Life isn’t static and neither are your relationships.
People change all the time. Values. Hairstyles. Political orientation. Body weight. Interests and passions. Guess what — you won’t like all it.
When I started my business, the time I could spend with my ex went down like a leaking submarine. She didn’t like it, just like I didn’t enjoy the increasingly toxic interaction with her mum. But in a healthy relationship, both individuals need to respect each other’s development.
If you don’t, neither of you will be happy in the long run.
How to swallow the bitter pill:
I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t get too attached to one individual aspect. People change. Instead of holding onto the past, view it as an opportunity to grow in the future. It’s the only way to enjoy the present moment together.
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Summary Of The Bitter Pills You Have To Swallow To Have a Happy Relationship
A happy, loving relationship is one of the most beautiful things life has to offer — but it takes work.
The sooner you learn to swallow the bitter pills, the less disillusioned you’ll be when you realize that real life isn’t a picture-perfect Disney movie.
- You need to have the tough conversations.
- You have to compromise, but in the right way.
- You both will hurt each other — learn to forgive and move on.
- You will have days when you don’t want to see them — that’s okay.
- You both will change in ways you don’t like so appreciate what you have without getting too attached.
We all want beautiful moments, but what creates them is the hard work we put in together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Candice Picard on Unsplash